a break or a reminder?

Everytime i go home i am stuck between a break and a reminder. I love my family and spending time with them is so precious to me. However each time i am home i find myself thinking about how much i want more for myself. I don't want to have to decided between rent and groceries because the hot water went out again or because the furnace motor went out again. I want to have food in the cupboard and a roof over my head and not have to worry about it. I don't know if this will happen for me but i sure hope so. I want more. More than scraping by and more than just barely making it. I want more.

A year ago today i prayed that God would use my life to effect change and that i would be a light. Over this break i have often wondered if i had reached this goal. I know that we can always do better but was i the light i wanted to be and then i went to Ohio. After seeing my Dad's side of the family and answering my many questions of graduation, student teaching and where i'd like to teach some day i went to my Mom's side of the family. It was pretty remarkable because we had family come from South Dakota for the holiday season. It ended up being a great big family reunion and it was great. I went from a room full of college degrees to a room of former drug addicts. I had one cousin ask me how i was related since i wasn't divorced, drunk or doing drugs. I laughed and said i wasn't sure. Then my aunt starting asking me what i did the conversation when something like this:

Aunt: Do you smoke
Me: no
Aunt: Do you drink
Me: no
Aunt: Do you do drugs
Me: no
Aunt: *after picking on a younger cousin* Have you ever had sex?
Me: no
Aunt: *eyes widen* What DO you do?
Me: ummm a lot of homework?

it makes me sad that i am the only one at my age who is still a proud virgin that my family knows. On that side of the family there are 14 yr olds having sex. This breaks my heart, truly! I think though that this proves that i am shining. It may not seem like much but they are seeing that something is different with the girl who doesn't drink, date no good guys, get married too young or get into drugs. I was sitting and talking with two aunts and two cousins (all girls) and they were talking about their past drug addictions and they were using drugs i had never heard of. They would stop and tell me how they wished they were wise like me and that i had a great head on my shoulders and to be wise from here on out. Then one said to make sure i knew a guy before i slept with him, i reassured her that was NOT a problem.

I love my family. They are so diverse and show that there is a need in America. A need for love and compassion. A need of a light. I made a choice that night to do the little things to show my light. SInce then i have refilled glasses of pop, served dinner to family or ran errands for my tired brother. I believe the little things speak loudly.

Back to school on Tuesday and i truly am not sure if i will be back home before i am finished, i guess we'll see. I'll use this time given by God to shine his light. I do believe things are happening. Even if it's just them warming up to me talking about God. Little things are happening.

These are my thoughts,
Kris

break...

I really want to go somewhere. Somewhere exotic, fun or even third world. Just saying. Break is going well. Yesterday i had to drive to Coldwater to get a new motor for our furnace because for the two days prior the trailer had been at 55 and one of the days it was 5 degrees outside. Brrrr. It's a lot better now. However i think due to the three days sitting in a freezing trailer I'm getting sick. At least I'm on break and don't have anything to do, right?

On other news my family got donated two huge boxes of food from a local church. My brother and i literally had to talk everything out of the cupboards and reoragnize because there was so much food, thank God for that church. Money is tight and it's hard to feed ten people! We were organizing and he says "i give you a lot of s**t for your beliefs but if it weren't for people like you i would be starving and my kids wouldn't have many presents"
Just in case you are wondering that is the highest form of praise! I was so happy! I feel as if i am a lonely missionary on an island of those who don't know and don't care. It's hard but i know God will bless me for it. I have read my bible more than ever and i pray often. I even have an alarm on my phone that goes off everyday at 3pm to pray for Nate, Kait and Rachel. My brother saw it going off one day and yelled into the kitchen "YOU NEED TO PRAY" Then i got to explain how i dont only pray at that time but it's a reminder to keep praying for them. Then i got to talk about them being in Africa. It's the small stuff for this missionary.

Kris

So apparently this internet provider (at the library) won't let me get on facebook or even look at my blog. I can read other blogs and blog but can't look at my old posts. It's blocked facebook due to it's chatting tendencies. Oh well i'll deal. Well it's day three of break and so far i've

-cut up a deer
-pulled something in my back
-decided it will be a very loooooooong time before i have kids ;)

One of the amish guys in the area shot a deer and said that if my brother wanted to cut it up he could keep the meat. So as a family we cut up a deer. Interesting experience to sit around with your siblings and siblings-to-be's cutting up a deer and chatting it up. It was pretty great though. Not gonna lie: I didn't think i'd be able to stomach it but it was pretty cool. Plus we have deer meat to eat for a long time.

Now this Christmas is very exciting to me. Not because i sleep on a couch which pulls my back in ways it should never be pulled but because it's all about the kids. All the adults in my family decided a month ago that the kids were the ones that the gifts part of Christmas was for and they were to recieve the gifts and not us. We instead will all pitch in for our family Christmas dinner. I wanted to be with my family that's all i want. Also this year the Locker side is getting together the day after so for the first time in a long time i get to wake up on Christmas and go NO WHERE! That's so awesome! I'm excited about that! My gift is already recieved. I get to wake up and go no where and be with my family!

Speaking of family i love them but right now i'm in a two bedroom trailer with a total of ten people and five of which are kids ranging from 3 to 11. I think i'm okay with not having children for awhile. Seriously, i'm alright waiting a long long time :0)!

Oh and P.S. i don't know if i blogged about this but Carp came to SAU to visit me and it was amazing. I went over to Laura's and she seemed way to excited and that she was hiding something at first i thought Nate had lied about his flight but knew that was too good to be true and there Mike Carpenter was! I about flipped then we watched Wall-e and i found another fan of a great movie :)! No offense to Mike but i was really wishing it were Nate. It was great though we watched one of my fave movies, ate homemade cookies, drank Dr. Pepper and celebrated that i had completed my most challenging semester yet! Woot!

CHRISTmas

During these weeks of final projects and exams it's easy to forget the true meaning of the Christmas season. With each to-do list and shopping trip it becomes so easy to focus on yourself. In reflecting about what Christ means to me: I am overwhelmed by how much he means to me. To know that someone who is so powerful and mighty cares about the details of my life keeps me in awe of him. I am so undeserving and grateful for the love of this huge God. I pray this season you take the time to reflect upon what God means to you. Remember to be grateful for all that he is to you.

I wrote this in the Christmas cards i gave the transfer students. I decided that instead of the standard "have a great break" greeting i would put something a little deeper. I haven't heard any responses, yet.

P.S. David Crowder is coming to SAU on my 25th birthday. Now leave it to Crowder to throw me a birthday bash...JUST KIDDING! But seriously, you should come.

giving up...

Don't worry friends, i know the title can sound negative but this is a good thing. Earlier this week i was praying and talking to God and i gave up the rest of my year to him to do what he wants. I'm done worrying about everything from relationships, to ministries, to classes. I'm not saying that i'm gonna climb into bed and show up to Graduation in May but that i'm not going to constantly worry about if this friends is feel neglected, if this boy likes me or what will happen if the professor didn't like my paper. I am going to put myself into everything i do as i usually do but my life is in HIS hands and i don't need to mess with it. I am going to wait and see what God does with it. He is much better at handling my life's craziness so i'll let him do it again! :0)

I was watching a t.v. show the other day and it filled me with so much emotion. I'm not one to watch t.v. but i had some downtime (miracle!!!) and found a show about millionaires who for a week live like they are poor. They have to make rent, buy food and they leave with only $150. They meet people just barely making ends meet and decide how to give a lot of money and how much to give to whom. They met a little girl who had cancer and her family had no insurance. I have never gotten so emotional watching a show but i was just crying. I composed myself and then at the end of the show the father and son millionaire pair handed the dad of the little girl a check for "50,000" and he started crying and by this time i was bawling my eyes out. It was sad and happy at the same time. Then at the end of the show they went back to their millionaire ways and raving about how much it changed them. I got angry and thought to myself, "How can you go back to your 10 Mil mansion when you know the needs out there? How can you back to that?" I know i couldn't. But i do. I'm a privileged college student. I'm still processing it.

one last thing: i was talking to a guy friend the other day and like most convos with this guy we started talking about relationships and he said that he surveyed a lot of college-age guys and the top two things they look for in a girl was: humor and modest. I found this interesting.

Kris

my thoughts

today has been extremely busy yet contemplative. I do a lot of walking whether back and forth from my apartment, to class, to various meetings, or around campus trying to find an open computer: which is increasingly difficult these days with finals so close. Usually on these walks i would listen to my Ipod and jam but my charger is broken so instead i think and think some more. Today here are my four main thoughts.
1. Singleness is no disease
2. Today is a gift
3. Japan was life altering
4. i like boys.
Now simply glancing at my list it seems like one and four contradict one another but let me explain each of then and the novel begins now:

1. Singleness is a gift.
I started to write this blog but got sick of sounding like the tired old cliche of how singleness is truly a gift. Let's just say that i haven't written off the possibilities of being a wife and mother but i am truly joyful in my singleness. Being a single woman of God has been extremely difficult but rewarding. There is someone who if asked i would trade in my single life for a relationship but i am more than willing to wait.

2. Today is a gift.
I have never truly struggled with holding onto the past. If you know my past you would understand why this is. However lately i have much struggled with the want for the future. This is difficult to step away from especially when you are in college where we are often talking about our careers, graduating, marriage, etc. My prayer partner recently bought me the Nooma video titled Today because he knows of my struggle with staying in the moment. The gesture alone of someone buying me an out of the blue gift was huge. I am not a die hard Rob Bell fan but i do like his teachings. I just finished watching it and it was great but i have to think about it and look up some of the scriptures and formulate my own opinions about it!

3. Japan was life altering.
Tonight before my class i was invited to a meeting for students interesting in Japan semester abroad. As a veteran(as they call us) i got to be asked questions and talk about our trip. As stated earlier i don't like to dwell on the past but as i walked in watching the picture slideshow i came to the realization that i have come a long way since that trip. Pre-Japan i had never stepped outside the country and was very close minded about a lot of things. I am nowhere near the same person. I so appreciate all i learned on that trip and was so excited to share that with others and as i shared with others it was as if it were a family reunion even though none of the other veterans went on the same trip.

4. i like boys.
Attention getting? I'd hope so! This one is a praise to guys. I realize that as a single girl praising guys can be dangerous grounds but let me give you some girl perspective! Today i was walking through the student center (i usually walk around but seeing how it's pretty cold i decided to walk through) and this guy i met once about a month ago slid through the door very slickly and i said hey as i was about 10 feet from the door he stopped right in front of me, looked up at me and said "I am so sorry" and turned around and ran to the door opening it for me and waited patiently until i got to the door. I was shocked and so appreciative. Let me just say that a good guy, a guy who is good out of genuineness is a rare find. I know that the guys who read this blog fit in this category. Know that your acts of genuine kindness does not go unnoticed by this girl, i notice and i appreciate it oh so much! Before coming to SAU i never once had a guy open a door (car, house, or store) for me before and i never knew guys did that! :) truly! So these days being a gentlemen or genuinely nice is something i have grown accustomed to but i do in my heart appreciate it so much. Know that i appreciate the small things you great guys do and i am better for knowing you.

my thoughts for you!
Kris

a creative title of some sort...

Break was good for one reason: it was a break. I was home for the first time all semester and although i did do homework it was such the break. I slept in until 10 each morning, which in my family is a miracle! :0)! I got to see my nephews and neice and even saw an aunt i hadn't seen since in six years! There was a hint of sadness because this was the first holiday without my grandpa and the first holiday is always a little sad.

So as far as conversation it was the same as always. The three questions i hate but get asked every holiday or break:
-When are you graduating?
-What are you going to do after that?
-When will you ever start dating? (afterall i am the ONLY sibling to be single)
that is an upcoming blog because i have to run to a prayer meeting.

Let's just say i'm content where i am and not in a "fake smile" contentness but seriously am joyful with where i am! :)
Kris.

35th blog, really?

So this is my 35th blog? Apparently i have a lot to say, ha! I already have written it once but somehow lost it and it never saved the draft, lame or epic sadness! Both actually. I'll try to say the same thing...i'll try.

I am excited to get out of the U.S. and serve once again. I have come to realize that my heart is abroad (which is weird to say outloud which is appropriate since i am nowhere near normal). Here is what my heart has been saying lately:
-i want to be in Africa with those who don't have clean water
-i want to be in Asia where they have more than the U.S. but no hope or truth
-i want to look into the widows and hold the orphans
-i want to touch those who are deemed unlovable
-i want to love those who have no one in their life to simply love them

I want to "go" and i am excited for my missions trip to get to do what heart is crying out to do!
Kris

wonderful weekend...

This weekend was so amazing. Beyond amazing actually.

Friday:
twelve transfer students and three leaders (me included in that) climbed in a van and a car and went to Ann Arbor. We went to Cottage Inn pizza and then went to Borders. We had over an hour so a group of us walked around Ann Arbor taking pictures, stopping by this art gallery place and then ended up talking and hanging out in Starbucks. Go figure, me ending up in a coffee shop :) I purposefully left my money at home cause i told myself i was saving my money for G.R. on Saturday.
It was a great time in Ann Arbor with the cell groups! Such a blast! They make me laugh so hard and i've needed laughter after the the last few weeks!

Saturday:
Bekah and I woke up at 7 am (hello coffee) and went to G.R.! We got there at around 10am and looked at David's Bridal. It was a great time. Then we met up with STO and ate chinese, YUM, and then went back to his apartment. He had to drop off a few highly entertaining 9th graders so Bekah and I sat there talking to Mike. Bekah's brother got off work and she got directions to his campus! Then Nate and I went to see Monika, went to to a coffee shop mmhmmm :) Then we headed back to his apartment to watch some videos! All in all it was a wonderful day! Good times in G.R. i have a few pics.






After lunch:
roommate and I went into town and i was going to buy Wall-e for myself. It's been a long time since i've loved a movie as much as this one. Maybe since Aladdin. For real! Well due to the fact that i am far more poor than i had realized i could not afford said movie and have to wait. Sad day. I did however buy some cold medicine...what an exciting life i lead! :0)

Kris

junior high teaching

Today i taught my first lesson in a junior high Special Edu. class. I have so much respect for those of my friend who teach junior high or teach youth group/ Sunday school! I have no clue how they do it because i was terribly intimidated. My comfort zone is 1st - 3rd grade: coloring, imagination, and story-telling. I love this age group. However to contradict myself at camp my favorite week at camp is senior high and i relate best to the junior high age campers. Crazy, huh? Yeah that is the story of my life seriously! I taught a lesson today and it may have been that i have been sick for the last two weeks with whatever this is but it was a rough lesson. I mean the student learned the geometrical shapes i wanted them to but there were so many things that i forgot. I know that the point of this class is to get me comfortable in a junior high room as well as getting an idea of how much goes into teaching. Luckily they aren't expecting me to be an all-star teacher by the end of the semester! I am far from there.

I am very excited for the weekend. Tomorrow i will be heading to Ann Arbor with the transfers with Damon Seacott. Damon is the assistant to the university president and he is treating us to pizza and then we are going to Borders (in Ann Arbor is the first one). Then on Saturday Bekah and I will be heading to Grand Rapids. We are spending some time checking out David's Bridal looking at different bridesmaid dresses and such. Then we'll be meeting up with Nates: STO and her brother Nate. I will also be seeing Amy and possibly Monika and Steph. :) Did i mention i am excited?


Kris.

me in a nutshell....

Highlights of me lately:

-I am giving up facebook. It's not necessarily a fast but just need to prioritize. I go through this a lot where i need to put God first and i don't. I suck at that.

-I have a deep thirst and hunger for Christ. I cannot seem to get enough and find myself crying a lot. Not in a bad way but in a God is breaking my heart for others.

-My weekend with was dad was more than expected. It redefined my relationship with my father and it's all good! We are past all the drama and are a father daughter unit and he validated me in a way that meant the world to me. Since i was little all i ever wanted to know that my dad valued me and this weekend he told me he was very proud of me and said that he tells all the guys at work about his daughter whose graduating in May. :0) My heart was doing flips!!!!!

-God is teaching me to give up. That sounds very pessimistic. However there is something i have been thinking and praying about a lot these days and God told me to hand it over fully to him. I did that and i am leaving it with him. Not to say that i don't care in fact i care a lot however i'm done holding onto it and am going to give him all control and i am now moving on and living the way HE wants me to and if this other things happens HALLELUJAH and if not GOD is in control.

-I'm reading Jesus Freaks: the stories of those who stood for Jesus. I read it and want to go do something. I want to live like these people and have come to realize that this weekend i was on the mission field. I had many question me about my faith and i had one of my family friends tell me that she always noticed something different about you. A joy that she couldn't explain and that she always looks forward to seeing my smiling face!

lots of thoughts as usual.
off to a God date!
Kris

American soap box...

Let's all repeat after me, "America is NOT the only country on earth and it certainly NOT the greatest one either"
Step on any toes yet? Ohh i'm about to! I was stealing a survey from a freshmen i know on campus. He has surveys all the time. Truth be told most of the time i don't read his answers cause he is immature however for the newest one i decided to read his answers before inserting my own. I was shocked and angry at the following answer:

24. The world could do without: Mexico..i mean come do they really contribute to anything???

for real, are you serious? I get so extremely sick of people complaining about Mexico. I have been there to the slums and looked into the face of people who are hurting and I in fact am going back in March to do it again. My first reaction is "What an American answer" let me reprase that: what a stereotypical American answer. In my travels there is one universal truth America does not paint a pretty picture in other countries.

A few examples:
1. When i was in Japan i met a lot of great people. One of them told me that i didn't act like an American when i asked her what she meant she got very nervous and shy and said to forget she said anything. The next weekend my roommates and i went to Tokyo Disney Land and saw exactly what she meant. We ran into a group of six or so American college guys and never ever before have i been so embarrassed of my heritage. They were running around yelling things like "Hey you want to learn English?" and "We have a hotel right down the street you want to come check it out." This is the view of Americans that my Japanese family had. That makes me sad.

2. Last year i went to Mexico. Before i left i actually had someone on campus say to me, "While you're down there ask them to give us our jobs back" for real now? We went there and visited what is called "Invasion City" it looks like this:

This is how many people live. They find any scraps and they build a home. They have families of five or six live here. If living here weren't enough they live in constant fear because any day the government could show up and cart them off to jail for setting up housing when it's not permitted. Jobs are set up in Mexico that they work for five months and take a few months off and then come back. However in the last three years they do not get their jobs back due to the economy lately. The reason they can only work five months is that if they work more than that they have a tax they cannot afford so they work there for five months take a few months off and come back if there is anything to come back to. So cities like these are becoming more and more common as they are moving around to find work to support their families. This is a sad reality, especially when you find yourself thinking that you have nothing. These people have one water source for about ten of these scrap houses and they all share it willingly and lovingly.

So i'm annoyed right now with the small minded American thinking. I know there are Americans out there who are not like this and i thank God for you. Let's love the neighbors in our country and in other countries.

Stepping off soap box now.

songs and chapel

first things first. I love music. I cannot sing to save my life but there is just something about music that speaks to me no matter where i am in life. I feel like i am a nomad and i can always have my music. Well lately there have been two songs that i just are my "pump up" songs. They are polar opposites but when i hear them i just feel alive and ready to take on the day or whatever event is about to happen.

The first is Linkin Park's "Bleed It Out"


The second is "How Deep The Father's Love"


as stated above these are very different! But both just pump me up!

Alright so to chapel. Our speak was an alumni and he graduated when i was a freshmen, which is weird to think about. He talked about how his heart and passion was for the city. At the end the chaplain asked anyone who feels led to the city to stand and then who isn't sure if the city is for them. I didn't apply to either but stood for the second one. I don't feel called to the city or the country. I feel called any and everywhere. I feel like God wants me to be in the dumps, streets, cities, countries and slums of the world to show with actions the deep love of Christ. I don't know where that means or how that is going to work but God does.

These are my thoughts.

upside down life...

This weekend was so big for me spiritually. I have been praying about a few things that i haven't told anyone. I mean not even STO, Wookie or my roommate. I just don't know how i feel about these two things and so i've kept it to myself. Many of you may have seen this as i was very distant and slipped away a few times. These times you would find me by the lake praying and listening to the voice of God. Of the two i feel like i can only talk about one of them. God is calling me to live at camp. I hesitate to say that because it has been a dream of mine for the last five years that i've worked at camp. This semester has been the hardest one i've had so far. The entire way up to camp between conversations i was praying about the many things being thrown at me. I have been stretched, stressed and exhausted. I stepped out of the van and instantly felt like a burden was lifted and felt at peace. I cannot explain it but there is nowhere else i feel like that. Camp has this feeling like this is where i am supposed to be. I hope one day to have a country or place that feels as home as camp does. I talked to Duane about the possibility of interning there while student teaching next fall. It looks promising and i got an offer to live at Jennifer's place if that doesn't work out. Let me explain how this turns everything upside down. Since i switched to special education i always wanted to live on campus and student teach in the spring arbor area. I just knew that i loved spring arbor and that i would be in the area, i know the principals and a lot of teachers and this is my comfort zone. Once again God chuckled at my plan and took out his editing pen and went to work! I should know better by now!

I have a meeting on Thursday to discuss my student teaching semester. I have no idea how this will look but i am excited to see how it'll all work out.

camp reunion n stuff!

Okay no surprise here, CAMP WAS AMAZING. I had such a great time. It would have been nice to get more sleep but there is just too many amazing people to hang out with. I had so many friends there i was so very blessed to be there. I wish i could have had a week to talk and catch up on life with all of them but seeing them briefly was so great. I appreciate them so much. A few highlights included passing out flyers with the gingers :), Casey's surprise birthday party and sitting in the lounge just talking. I found myself a few time just looking around and thinking, "What a great place and what amazing people!" I really love being there, there truly is nowhere else I'd rather be. There are times during the summer i want to go somewhere but it's usually for a few hours and not so much for an extended period of time. I go back home and it takes less than 24 hrs to want to go back! Seriously! I laughed a lot, thought a lot and smiled a lot! A LOT! :) I love my friends and this weekend was so great.

I also got to spend some quality time with my savior and Lord, Jesus! The first night after hanging out in the lounge for awhile i decided to walk around camp! I ended up at my favorite God time place is where i used to have SMT camp fires. There is this picnic table by the lake and i just love it. I sat in silence for awhile and then poured out my heart to God. He told me something that i really needed to hear, an answer if you will, to a prayer I've been praying since June or July. It's not the answer i want but it's not about me! This time was amazing. I also woke up early both Saturday and today and sat in the lounge in my "usual spot" (or the spot i sat every staff meeting this summer) and read James. I love this book of the bible and each chapter is so packed full of things that i need. I am so excited for where God is leading me and the woman he is calling me to be.

Honesty: i like to think I'm an honest person. I am really happy where i am. Seriously, i am happy and content with my life. This hasn't happened, ever! There are things I'm looking forward to when God is ready for those things to happen but i am exceedingly happy right now. I truly am. I have had a rough semester and God is teaching me a lot. Usually when you are being taught and stretched you are not too happy but it's been so good for me. I know that each small thing i go through is equipping me to be the woman God is calling me to be.

Kris

spotlight= yuck

So today in chapel a group of peer advisors sang for special music. Ron Kopiko called on of the PAs and asked them to get a group together. I was one of the few that went to most practices but i didn't make it all of them. I got to chapel early and KT says "Kris you and Claire have the first mic" okay so for whatever reason i got cast to be one of the six to have a mic. whatever. Then it came start for chapel to start, can you say intimidating. We were sitting in the choir loft behind the chapel band and it was intimidating to look out and see a packed out chapel. I'm not a front stage type of girl. I looked up a lot and when the beaming lots were blinding i decided to close my eyes. When the chapel band was done it was our turn to go up there. We discovered that we needed to be holding the mic and my partner wasn't too thrilled to have the mic so instead of sharing a mic i ended up having a mic and was one of three with one. I reminded myself that i was doing it for the audience of one and not the hundreds of students in the audience. we sang "At the foot of the cross" truly a beautiful song.

I am NOT a spotlight girl. I am a back-stage making sure those who are spotlight guys and girls are good to go. I don't do speaking in front of crowds and i don't like to have attention put upon me. This is why every February my face is beat red when a crowd, no matter the size, sings happy birthday to me. However only when done in a public place because i can always feel a lot of people looking over at me. I don't do spotlight but somehow today i managed. It may have helped that i had one of my lovely transfer down front smiling at me :)

i found out that next weekend my dad is playing a reunion gig and will be playing for his last time in his band. My dad was in a jazz/blues band most of my life, some of my earliest memories was getting my dad's friends and family out on the dance floor, apparently when i was little i was comfortable with that spotlight :). Well two years ago the band broke up and i was very sad because i haven't seen them preform since my freshmen year in h.s. when i lived with him for a year! I am excited to see them once again. Apparently they are doing it for an old friend who is really sick or something. One last show together! I am so excited to go! It will be nice to see my dad when it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas!

I am going to camp today. WOOHOO! I am very excited and cannot hold in the excitement to see everyone.

beautiful, just beautiful

Have i mentioned how dang excited i am to see my camp family? I miss everyone so very much and i cannot wait to see them.

So i got the following from my boss. I think it is simply beautiful and profound.

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.


Whatever your cross,

whatever your pain,

there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;

But God's always ready, to answer your call....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,

a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,

But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,

to give you His grace, and send you His love.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

is it over yet?

I got laughed at today when i celebrated never having to hear about political ads. I didn't mean ever again but i meant at least for another three years. I am excited that i dont have to hear it for a while. My optimistic view point got trampled. ouch.

I am tired of hearing about it. We now have a new president, so let the current president finish his term and let's stop talking about it. Jesus is still my one and only, that will never change. Today the message i felt was very good. It was about the Luke 7 prostitute. Other than picking out the most spiritual crowd at chapel, not ever going there, he was pretty good. I really liked his speaking style, he was very excited about Jesus. i feel as though we need more preachers who are truly excited about Jesus.

that is all.

I am unbelievable excited for the staff reunion on Friday. So excited! Sooo excited! I miss everyone so much. I LOVE CAMP!

Any advice on how to stop analyzing everything? It is a strength and weakness all in one.

anonymous gifts and trunks

For Halloween the transfer PAs signed up for a trunk for "Trunk or Treat" we had about five people say they were going to show up. Which is normal for an event. We had three show up and help us pass out candy and then all of the sudden seven of them showed up dressed up like "The Office" it was amazing. I don't know much about the office but have seen a few episodes. One of my guys who was playing Dwight was cracking me up. It was his birthday and he came up to me right in my face and i asked him he had gotten my e-mail and he said something about how he didn't do emailing anymore his Internet was shut off. Then he looked over to "Jim" and said "Where's my stapler, have you seen my stapler?" They all were in character the whole time and were so funny. It was so great. Pictures to come.

After that i went back to my apartment and finally ate dinner at about 8:30. Some good 'ol rice and chicken. Then Wookie called and harassed me for a little bit and said that he and Casey were going to McDonald, i just got paid and the thought of food was extremely exciting, dinner wasn't all that exciting. So i went and Mel was there getting ready to go to GR, so jealous, and so i got food and sat with the boys. Soon after Bethany came (woot woot) and we all sat and talked and laughed. Then Wookie was featuring his growls and decided that since Mike Johnson never ever picks up his phone he'd call him and give him a hilarious voicemail but surprise Mike answered. Apparently he could tell i was there because i was laughing in the background. I love being around my camp family, they crack me up so very much! I needed to laugh after the last few weeks!

So then Bethany and I went to her room. I decided to check my mail real quick and i am so happy i did. I found three envelopes. The first was a return envelope of a letter i sent to Jennifer but no worries I'll see her in six days WOOOOOOOOT for camp! The second was from the financial aid office notifying me that my long awaiting loan had in fact come in. I felt a weight being lifted from me. Then i saw the third letter. It was from someone on campus. Just my names and box number on the envelope. I was thinking, "Oh how nice someone send me an encouragement card" which is so awesome. I open up the envelope and find a $20 inside. No note. Just the money. My eyes had to be checked and i looked at Bethany and i said "someone sent me money. someone i'd like to hug and thank. wow." That is just amazing...yes? Looks like the storm is over. Things are starting to look up and other than my sickness i am back to myself.

Today's objective is resting it up. And sometime this weekend getting some groceries!
Kris

egg shot and blur

well friends is that subject confusing enough for you? I will be posting about two things. The flu shot (I'll explain the egg reference.) and my blur of a week.

First off i got the flu shot yesterday. Which explains why I'm nauseous, sneezing and feeling like ick! Okay so I've gotten the flu shot for three years now. I get the shot and then i get sick for 3-4 days then I'm good and don't get the flu. The first year was the worst. Well i was waiting for the nurse and i read the pamphlet and found out why i get so sick.

"The flu shot is an inactivated vaccine (containing killed virus) that is given with a needle, usually in the arm. It contains three influenza viruses. The three vaccine strains – one A (H3N2) virus, one A (H1N1) virus, and one B virus – are representative of the influenza vaccine strains recommended for that year. Viruses for the flu shot are grown in eggs." http://www.cdc.gov/FLU/about/qa/flushot.htm

If you know me at all you know i am unable to stomach eggs. I cannot eat them unless they are fully baked in something such as cookies, cakes, brownies. But no omelets, scrambled, deviled eggs *side story about deviled eggs: when i was little i used to love to eat them although i cannot stomach eggs and my mom would get so mad at me for eating then cause i'd get so sick* and no fresh toast (unless it is light in egg and cooked very well). So i was talking to her and she told me that it is grown in eggs and that i would be fine as long as i wasn't going to break out into hives or get blisters everywhere. That is fine with me. So now i know why the flu shot doesn't settle well for the first few days, once again my stomach's dislike of eggs strikes against me again! I don't mind the taste at all it's just that it get to my stomach and it is NOT a happy thing.

Secondly, my blur is over. I have been working non-stop since Monday on my two hugest assignments for the semester. Ironically enough both professors commented on how they found it wise to do the huge assignments in the middle instead of the end when we also have finals. I couldn't agree more. Truly. I am now done with two of the biggest presentation/ work of my tough methods courses :0) Yea! Yesterday was seriously non-stop from 8am until 8:30pm. The only time i took a break was for lunch, about a half hour, and dinner i gulped down in ten minutes before heading out to class. It was a crazy day but it is DONE.

Oh and in one week from today i get to see my beloved camp family. I miss them oh so much! Well I'm gonna go rest. I cannot believe the only answer to not getting the flu comes from the one and only thing i cannot stomach, HA!
Kris

more thoughts of mine...

Yesterday we had worship chapel. This was way needed in my life. Spiritually i am starving, i feel like i just cannot get enough. I read my bible and pray and just want more. I guess it's not a bad thing, at least I'm not exhausted in this aspect like i am in every other aspect of my life! Well anyway during the second song i prayed that God would take away all of my worries, this is how it came out and i liked it.

"God, take all my worries, homework, relationship and put them on the back burner. No take them off the back burner and put them on the counter. No even better put them in a Tupperware container and put them in the fridge to stay there until i can open it back up and deal with it bowl by bowl."

After i said it i kinda smirked and said to myself, "Ha, you are such a feminist!" Lemme explain i was talking to Mike C the other day about our heart's desires and dreams. I told him I've always wanted to take charge of a children's ministry at a church. Then I started talking about me having a family one day which reminded me of last spring
*flashback music* so there i was...it was last spring semester and i was being a good psychology minor and handing out surveys. The survey was called "The pressure to date while in college" I handed it to one girl and she looked at me and said,
"It'll be very interesting to see this from the POV of a feminist"
I was speechless and i said "What makes you think I'm feminist"
and she answered, "You're driven, single and working toward a career"
I smiled wide and said "I'm all of those things but i would trade them all in to be a stay at home mom if that's what i decided with my future husband. I am not even close to feminist"

I found it pretty hilarious. Since then i have found that there are some who look at my singleness as a sign of feminism. Really? Me? The girls who loves to cook, clean and serve others? Mama Kris? HA, i find it funny! So when i related my problems to kitchen things it made me think of this. I'm not saying that my dream is to spend every waking moment in the kitchen but if i were to be in a marriage where we wanted me to be home with our children, I'd do it. However I'm not in college to find a husband but to have a career in case i don't end up married or if i have to work while married, not a feminist just wise.

Anywhoo, that was great times! I spent the majority of my day from 1:45 - 9:00 pm working on projects for today. They are almost done just need a few more hours to invest. After this week all the big projects of the semester will be completed. Hooray!

conviction and feelings

Lately God: has convicted me of my lack of showing my true feelings. I am extremely sarcastic, which if you meet my family is quite understandable! Lately though God has been telling me that i need to make sure those i care about know that i do care about them. I would hate for them to ever wonder if i care about them. Without weirding anyone out or making a bunch of my guy friends think i am madly in love with them, it's happened before, i have been taking opportunities to tell my friends how much they mean to me. If i haven't gotten to you, it's coming. It's not something that is natural to me. It may come in small fragments or all at once. I'm a work in progress, after all!

This week: is crazy busy up until Thursday night :0)! Academically that is! I have an event on Friday night for Halloween! Woot for passing out candy and dressing up like a Gilmore Girl! :)

In closing: God has my life in his perfect hands. I used the plural because he has a lot to deal with, but i know he can handle it. I have a lot going on but HE is so good, he is GOD after all and i am allowing him the driver seat on this roller coaster of life. Seriously, so far "what a ride"! I like the analogy of life being a roller coaster because of the way i feel toward roller coasters: i love them so much but hate the first one. Anyone who was there can attest that before the first one i freak out and am sure I'm crazy and will die, much like any faith decision, but once i do it i know I'm safe and in good hands and could conquer every coaster (or the world for JESUS).

Dear Collette: your "high five"/comment totally filled my encouragement bucket! Thanks for that. I really needed some encouragement. You rock girl!

enough feeling and thoughts for today.
this busy girl needs sleep to make it through the next few days.
Kris

i was talking to a good friend last night and he said this "when you are a smiley person it feels so wrong to not be smiling all the time. Let yourself be yourself. Don't be afraid to let that smile down once and a while. I'd rather you be real then have a fake smile". I needed that, thanks Rol.

A few more meetings down. I have no meal plan on campus now, which lifts the burden for sure! I'm not in the clear yet but am getting a lot closer.

Kris

lots of thoughts going on up there...

I have a lot of thoughts going around in my mind. Since this is my blog and you have the right to read it or get bored and move on to something a little more stimulating or entertaining i will ramble and share these thoughts going on inside!

Thoughts: It's no lie that i needed a break. I needed a break from crying and worrying. From a pile of homework. Basically i needed a me break. Not a break "all about me" that was fall break. Fall break mindset was: no homework cause i need rest, i need a break, i need to do things, me, me, and ME! This break was all about JESUS and serving others! It was exactly what we needed. (We being Jesus and I- some we time) I have found in the lowest of lows i serve someone and it's a feeling i cannot get enough of. I cooked for others, did dishes for others, and helped build a log cabin for others to use in the future. It was amazing :0). I had some sweet God times before going to bed and it kept coming back to "Kris you need to give it all to me. Not just the little stuff, i want it ALL. All your heart and all your dreams. ALL of it" Yes, when speaking to me Jesus often has to repeat something, especially simple things, over and over. Beginning of this semester i once again submitted Jesus my plan and he just smiled and said "Oh Kris. You are just so cute!" He took out his red pen and switched something around and said "Here's the deal my child. You haven't quite learned patience and the important of fully depending upon me so we're gonna work on that before we even talk about this plan." This is what I've done. I've learned a great deal of patience. I am content where i am. A year ago i wrote in a journal i found "God i wish i could know your plan so i could be patient" Even a year ago i had so much to learn, patience is not knowing and that's the whole point silly Kris Locker from last year! :0)! God is teaching me, especially through this financial and confusing boy stuff that HE is in control and he knows what he's doing. I have no idea what's going to happen next semester but I'll do what i can this semester to stay. This is not a fight I'm done fighting. It is so not over just overtime. "you don't get overtime you just GET OVER IT" :0)

My weekend: if ever i questioned God's timing it was re clarified this weekend. There wasn't a better time to chill in the wilderness building and being with others who appreciate me for who i am :0) I was able to hang out and just be me. I worked from 8am-5pm. With a lunch break of course :0)! I didn't have to worry about homework, finances, food but just looked for new ways to encourage or serve someone. It was amazing. I was star gazing and although it wasn't the same without Storvik being there (yea, Nate it just wasn't the same) i just laid there thinking about how amazing God is and how he loves me so much. I started praying that everything that was weighing on my heart and mind would take a rest for those few days and that I'd just serve and let God hold me in his arms. That moment starring at the stars totally changed the weekend. I was no long a "woe is me" Kris but a Kris that was ready to serve. I love to serve; it's such a great feeling. I got there on Thursday night and it was "Kris and da boys" which is nothing new for me pretty much how it always was. The level of amazingness was added when two ladies joined us on Friday night :0). Added to the fun, for sure! God just constantly in those two and a half days showed me how amazing he is and how much of my heart and life he deserves. Last night before i went to bed at 9:30pm (i know i'm such an elder already :)!!) i was just like, "God i'm done. I give this to you. Whatever happens i'm following you. I'm done trying to control my life again. I know i should know by now but i am a stupid human" I literally felt a burden lift...he is so great.

a few quotes i heard between Wednesday and today:
-"The church is a whore, but she's still my mother" St. Augustine Okay this one may need a bit of an explanation, folks! The church is supposed to be the bride of Jesus but has been gotten away from her love and gone after other things in the world. She has been very promiscuous since Jesus. At the same token the church is my mother because i am from the church and that's where many of my morals and belief were established. She is both a whore and my mother. Beautiful quote. I hope i explained it well, it makes sense in my head which doesn't say much :0)

- "There is no love at first sight because it's not love with insight" -Unknown. I read this is a book i was reading this weekend on some downtime. It talked about how it's impossible to fall in love with someone you just met because it takes so much insight into the person. The love "with insight" has God at the center of the relationship: as it should be.

Woah. long post :0)
Kris

gone up north...

i am leaving in like five minutes and will be back on Sunday. I won't be online or at school. I am going up north to work on a building project with some student leaders. There is nothing i want or need more right now than to get away and be in the no-internet and no offices where money rules all :). I will be in the God's creation with his servants! I am excited.

I will be back Sunday afternoon. Hopefully refreshed, refocused and a little less freaked out about not being able to come to school next semester.

Hope your weekend rocks :)
Kris

i found the storm no surprise here: it's about money

So growing up in a barely making it poverty line family money is always an issue, a fight topic and a big pain in the bum! I came to this problem today. I was told to come into the financial aid office to clear up something and i found out that because i've been in school so long my financial aid is running up. I don't even have enough to cover me this year. I am about 1600.00 in the hole right now. They can split it up among the semesters but if half of that isn't paid off by the end of the semester i cannot come back.

well good. that's awesome. it's not like next semester is my last semester before i graduate, no big! But i do have options they tell me: I could commute, give up my meals and/or ask a family member to co-sign a loan. After i told her twice that there is no one that i can get a co-sign from she still wants me to call home and ask. You mean call home and ask a question that i already know the answer to a big fat NO. So here i am once again in tears over money. Just like growing up and not having enough food to eat so you opt out of dinner. Just like hearing my mom yell at her boyfriend in jr. high because the grocery money was being smoked AGAIN. Just like in high school when my family was trying to convince me to work at a factory because that's truly where the money is and people like us don't make it through the college circuit.

So when i was faced with this storm i rolled my eyes. It boils down to money and not just money it truly boils down to food money. If i can get rid of my meals on campus and cook in the apartment i would be that much closer to freedom but not quite free yet. She asked me how possible it was for me to commute and i told her how i have no car. I didn't think to mention how i don't technically have a "home" to commute from. I didn't mention how my "home" is a two bedroom trailer with approx. 7 people living in it minus myself. So no commuting is not an option. I went back and forth between two offices and i got that look i despise more than any other in the world. I got the poor girl look this is an economical poor and not the woe is my type poor. The look that says they have no idea how i live like this: no health insurance, no car, no help financially. They don't have even a fraction of an idea of what my family goes through on a daily basis just to eat.

Through these meetings, one of which i started crying while she was "brainstorming on how to help me" with a colleague i could feel the hopeless tears coming and i told myself to hold it in and pull myself together, tough girl poverty talk there! I did pull it together and the entire time i can hear in my mind "I don't want to survive i want to LIVE". I know this is a Wall-e quote and you should too. This is how i feel. I don' t want to make it through another semester financially i want to be able to live without having to constantly worry about not having enough money and not being able to do what God has called me to do. I have worked so hard to get where i am today and the only thing standing in my way is money. FIGURES. money, so trivial yet so important in our world.

I'm ready for something more. Something deeper. I'm ready to be the influence upon children who have nothing. I'm ready to be done with loans and denials. I hate money, i truly do.

there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard to see but it's there. God knows what he's doing and something good will come of all this. If nothing more than a reminder that i do come from a poverty home and that will always be a part of who i am.

a few happy moments

In between meetings i decided to come back to the apartment and i am so happy that i did. Two things occurred which amazing. One was great news and the second had me in tears of laughter!

1. I got back and found out my roommate is also "graduating" this May with me :0) wooot!
2. I had my roommate play the iTunes game. She's not much for facebook quotes so i asked her the questions and she answered them outload the question "what will they play at your funeral came up" she hit the next button and i looked over and her face was red and she was laughing and i heard this, "ding. dong. the witch is dead" I don't remember the last time i've laughed that hard.

that was needed.

bright spot

I woke up and was frustratedly crying by 7:30am. Not just for being up but that in the fifteen minutes i was up i was already frustrated and having a terrible day. I prayed all the way to class that i would be able to see God working in my life today if only once. I got to a meeting i had and i found my bright spot, in fact, i had more than one here are some to name a few:

• today i worshiped with fellow student leaders for an hour and it was the most heartfelt singing, esp when we sang "Heart of Worship" which is my ultimate fave worship song
• I had an event with my transfers and they were so excited to see me
• I got randomly hugged by two people today, i'm not huge into physical touch but when people go out of their way to hug you it's really nice

I know God is with me in this. That helps A LOT.
I wish i could say things are looking up but i can say that things are looking like God is going to do mighty works in this storm!

Joy in the storm,
Kris

i will praise him in the storm...

If i were a pessimist this blog would detail the numerous things that are falling apart in my life. As an optimist, however, i will do no such thing and i will talk about how Jesus is amazing and is holding me through this whole thing.

Lately Mondays have been a day when everything comes at me at once and i begin to see truly how much i have to do. There were at least three times today that i was in tears. As i write this i am holding them back. Honestly, I'll probably fall asleep crying out to God. He's great to cry to, either literally or metaphorically. I wish there was just one area in particular that i felt like my life was falling apart but it feels like everything is falling apart. I feel like i just cannot do anymore and it feels as if i am stretched so thin and am being pulled in every direction. It has been a very long and emotional day. I feel as though God is equipping me for something huge. Really huge. I don't know what but i am embracing this storm about to come. I can always tell when it's coming and at the end is something amazingly unexpected whether it's a character trait developed or a scar healed. Whatever it is i am ready for it. Ready and willing to see him through it. I feel like everything is moving and i am standing still looking around wondering why i'm stuck where i am? Why is my favorite question, which is equivlent to a preschoolers, am i still a preschool Christian? I hope NOT!

Academics are kicking my butt, boys are confusing, i dont ever have enough time to give to my friends like i'd like, and i have so many people with so many expectations i am so afraid that i am going to dissapoint them. I am mostly afraid of breaking God's heart more, i am failing all around.

This may sound pessimistic but it's not. It's honesty, brutally honest, but honest. I know that i will make it through this. I'll make it; i just wanted to express how i'm feeling. One day at a time with God holding me and the end result will be something big. I have considered fasting for whatever it is that is coming! A 48 hr fast is what i think i'll do.

Storm is a'comin
Kris

lots to blog about...

Okay so i was gone for two days but i feel like i have so much to blog about.

I'll start with my break: It was amazing, needed and much appreciated. We went out to eat three different times and treated each time which was nice. We went to CiCis, Wendys and Olive Garden. We got two home cooked meals which was needed :0)! On Saturday we went shopping from noon to five. With an hour break for lunch at Olive Garden! We met up with my family at David's Bridal and i tried this dress on:
It that exact dress and same color and everything. We didn't grab the camera when we were in there but that's it! We met up with most of my family (minus the kids and my brother...didn't feel like being in a bridal shop) I don't truly blame them.

On Saturday we discovered how old we were: i sewed buttons on my sweater, finished laundry, watched a documentary and was in bed by 11pm. I could have totally went to bed at 10 but we decided to watch the documentary. I am so exciting, yes?

So sad news: our fish died this weekend while we were gone. I know that it's just a fish but we had that fish for three years. She was a dear friend, i know how ridiculous that sounds but she was. I would talk to her while i was doing dishes and when i came into the apartment. I haven't been so sad by a loss of a pet in a long time. I know it seems silly but it won't be the same.

Other sad news: When i was packing the car to head out i ran into a close friend also packing his car. He told me with sadness in his eyes that he was taking the rest of the semester off and wasn't sure if he would be coming back. I told him to email me and he said he's going to stay off the net for awhile and he gave me his address to write him. It was so sad, i told him that i knew that God was going to use this time for something amazing and he had to just believe that and take it one day at a time. We have been in the Special Education program together since the intro class and were making plans for graduation just a week before this. sadness.

bothers me: i forgot to grab my bible today and looked around and nearly no one brings a bible anymore. I heard someone say to their kid behind me, "Don't waste your time looking for it, it'll be on the screen". WOAH.

made me laugh: in front of me at church this morning was a mentally handicapped gentlemen and when greeting he held up a stick of deodorant looked me in the eye and said "no worries ma'am i used this today". I smiled and said thank you and shook his hand :0).

thought of today: i cannot wait to see my dad play in his band for the last time, that is if i can go! :) I hope i can.

Dear N'STO: since i know you read this and that i haven't seen you online...i had Beaners/ whatever today and i thought of you. It was good. :) Not quite Shay, but good!

Kris.

speaking of waiting....

I just got out of a meeting and they approved my petition to participate in May 2009 Commencement although i have my student teaching next Fall.

woooooooooooot! I have a cap and gown coming my way! I'm actually going to graduate after six long years of working my tail off, seriously it's gone! :0)

Cloud nine is nice but i have to do some midterm papers, have to keep up the work. Can't get spring fever quite yet!

:) Kris

waiting/ patience

so God has been teaching me a lot about patience in a lot of areas of my life.

I am reading this book called "Dangerous Wonder" by Mike Yaconelli

This chapter is about listening to God's voice and how it's not ever a screaming loud voice but we must break through the noise and get into the silence to hear him. These two quotes gave me chills and the first one made me cry. I tend to cry reading books these days.

This one made cry; it's a conversation between a 17 yr old girl and Jesus (the girl wrote it at a retreat) :

girl: i feel awkward because it's been so long since i've been near you
Jesus: I've missed you too; i think about you everyday
girl: but i've messed up. I've done a lot of things that i regret.
Jesus: It's okay child. i forgive you.
girl: i don't understand. i turn away. i ignore you...
Jesus: I'm still here, right beside you
girl: i try to live without you even though i know deep inside that you're still a part of me
Jesus: you don't have to make yourself lovable. I love you how you are.
girl: even after everything i've done and everything that has happened? Would you be offended if i called you bizarre?
Jesus: i am bizarre; more so than you'll ever know
girl: this may seem strange but could i ask you to hold me, for a little while?
Jesus: my child, i have been waiting for you with outstretched arms.

This next one gave me chills and i read it again and after the second time i said "YEA": (it's a quote from a monk who commented on someone's resistance to wait)

"When you are waiting you are not doing nothing. You're doing something. You're allowing your soul to grow up. If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be."

Amen.
Girl in waiting.

P.S. when looking at the time of this blog ignore that. for some reason i cannot get it to set the right time. it is not in the middle of the night it's 7:30am!

sex is taboo, really?

did the title make you uncomfortable?I think it's something we can talk about. This morning at chapel we had special music and she sang a song about how sex is something Christians won't talk about unless we are saying not to have sex. We never say why necessarily and after telling you not it's this taboo thing that shouldn't be discussed anymore.

I've read this book by Joshua Harris entitled Sex isn't the problem lust is and although it was uncomfortable because he talked about taboo items i loved the book. I have grown up in a family who are extremely comfortable talking about sex. Unfortunately it's not in the way of Godly love and sex as it was designed. I never really understand why Christians swept it under the rug and labeled it as taboo. I mean in jr high and high school i heard about how you shouldn't have sex but it was in a list of things not to do. No one ever really explained why they just said that it's wrong. I agree and know it's wrong. I just think it's beneficial to know why we should wait, not just that we should wait. I am an adult and it's not like i'm asking why i'm waiting i am well aware of why. I'm just not sure why it's so taboo. God created it for marriage and it was designed to be beautiful. Unforunately now it's to sell perfumes and beer and way too early in relationships.

Okay so while reading this book there was something that bugged me. If you have at any point been uncomfortable you could discontinue reading because this isn't taboo for me. Joshua Harris says that Jesus was fully human while on earth. Then he went into saying that Jesus saw woman and found them beautiful and claimed that Jesus had sexual urges. He says that these aren't wrongs it's when lust and thoughts come into play that it becomes wrong. I know that Jesus was on earth but i wrestle with thinking my savior and lover and best friend as a sexual being. A man who did miraculous things and saw woman as beautiful in his sight.
i dont know what to think about this. Maybe Joshua Harris has lost it or my view of Jesus is too cookie cutter to see him as such.

I love you guys!
:0)
Kris

meetings times two

I think i write here so i dont have to write in my journal, i am lazy these days!

Tonight i had two meetings. Both proved to be very interesting. The first one all of the SLA (Spiritual Life Advisors) went to the University President's house and chilled, ate pizza and ended with a devotional. Never in the same meeting have i seen bible reading and rock band but i loved it! Then i left there for an "after dark" dessert with our neighbors and our Resident Director. We went around answering questions. Then of course the subject of liking someone came up. I basically shared that i have liked someone but i have no idea if it's headed anywhere and that right now it's a one way thing. I got pumped full of questions. I was one of two not in a serious relationship in the room and the other one doesn't even like anyone. So i got attacked with questions upon questions.

Oh man. it was funny! :0)!

I am so looking forward to fall break on Thursday night! It'll be nice to get off campus and go to Kalamazoo with my roommate and just chill, shop and get fitted for my bridesmaid dress!

Kris

church...

So my last post was a bit angry/upset and as an optimist i cannot lay down for my much need nap without the list of things i love that God reminded me at church

I love (and am blessed by):

• Coffee, generously donated by the church :)
• Preschool children and their genuine and hilarious comments
• My friends. They are such a blessing to my life.
• Laughter and joy that comes from God
• Hymns, i just love singing hymns.

:) This is not me taking back what i said in the post i wrote this morning. I just think we can get caught up in the negatives. I heard someone this weekend say "I'm a heathen cause i dont go to church but i figure i go to chapel twice a week". This bothered me, you shouldn't ever have to go to church. It was designed for mini-Christ to come and fellowship and worship God. Today at church God reminded me of that :)

He is so very good :0)
"Riches i heed not nor men's empty praise" Be Thou My Vision
Amen.

debating with boys...

Lately I'm not sure why but I have been debating with my guy friends. This usually never happens, it's usually my guy friends who are laid back and everything is, 'cool man' but lately i am talking to them and then they say something and I'm like "you cannot be serious right now" there are times when you can let things slide but there are other times i cannot. Yesterday was a time i could not.

My friend was over and he was trying to set up my close friend with is brother. I asked him why and he said "well he's not a christian and she would be a great example for him, a self esteem boost" WHHAAAATTTTT? So then i bluntly said that Christians aren't to date non Christians. He flipped out when i said this. Then he went on and on saying how i am out of touch with non Christians and that we shouldn't put ourselves on a pedestal. Okay back up one sec, I'm out of touch with non Christians, let's not forget i have a whole family of non Christians at home...let's NOT forget that. I reminded him of this and he says, yea well wouldn't you want them to date someone who could lead them to Christ? Okay so by this time i was fuming. Not too many people can get me this upset but when you first of all claim something that is undeniable biblical inaccurate and then when you bring in my family...wow. I just looked at him and said, "before it gets ugly let's step away from my family and talk about this dating thing" then he goes to say that he sees no problem in dating someone to win them to Christ. I reminded him of that book all Christians read, ya know the one: THE BIBLE!!! Especially where it says you are to be equally yoked. The conversation didn't get any better and we got a point where we talked about the view of Christianity and instead of complaining about it we should, as Christians, live authentically and lovingly and change the view.

Okay so there are few things i get fired up about and even as i write this blog my heart is racing! It's not a struggle in my life. I know my boyfriend and eventually husband will be a man of God. That is no question. However it scares me that people see no problem with "missionary dating"...my little sister used to do it when she went to church. She would start hanging out with a guy and say things like "I cannot date you unless you are a Christian *wink*" Ugh, it bothered me so much. Now, unfortunately she went the opposite way and just started dating non Christians and fell from the church, there's a whole new blog, my families disappointments with the church, another blog!

Anyways, this is the most annoying of debates with my guy friends lately. I'm not usually one to sit and debate with my guy friends but i will if they are dead wrong.

Kris

it's over...

So i just got back from Homecome! 32 bobby pins and one exhausted Kris Locker later...i have once again completed a Homecoming! It was fun to go with the girls and afterward we went to Steak N Shake. The restaurant was way packed but it was fun.

I am tired but it was so much fun! I love putting on a pretty dress and dancing! 

One of my friends said this and it was the nicest thing i've ever heard:

"You stand there because i need a picture of you. You look amazing and i saw you come in and hoped i knew you. Quick i need a picture." I asked him to get a picture of both of us instead of just me and he said he'd need one of just me and then us together :0)

For sure the nicest thing i've ever heard. My words of affirmation is off the scale :)

Random thought: Patience is important. God is teaching me the beauty in waiting. It's beautiful and important but i hate it. 

What i learned today: we were talking about how God is the potter and we are the clay that he is molding. I learned today that a critical part of molding a clay pot is breaking it down and the end result is the image of the potter. This brought me to tears and was a total *a ha* moment. For years i've been saying that my brokeness would be for something: it is! God is molding me into the person he wants me to be.

God is so AMAZING. Sleep is needed!

Kris

observing, crazy dream and getting ready for homecoming...

quite the title huh? I'm pretty awful at coming up with titles! As i've commented before on someone's blog :0)!

So first things first. Yesterday i observed in a jr. high Special Edu class. It was pretty crazy. During November i will be working and teaching a lesson in the class. So the teacher was gone and there was a substute and a student teacher. I talked mainly with the student teacher and she is gone after next week. The sub was this really old guy who went by "Mr. W" on three separate occasions mistook me for a student. I was writing reflection notes on the classroom, etc. and the first time i was starring out the window at the h.s. band, former band geek here, and he came up patted me on the shoulder and said, "I know the band's distracting but try to finish your work." I smiled and politely told him i was from a local University and was here to observe! He says, "Oh i heard you were coming and i didn't think you looked like the other students!" You mean i dont look like a 13 year-old. I only have ten or so years on them :0) What a nut!

Okay crazy dream: i often have weird dreams but this one went far beyond weird. So you get to hear about it (or you guys depending on who got the new blog memo!):
In the dream i was shopping with a girlfriend (no clue who she is but we were pretty comfortable with each other) and i had a long shopping list. Just as i was to grab the things on my list she would take the very last item of what i needed. JERK! So then we get the checkout her with a cart full and me with nothing. I look up and the cashier is my boss and the bagger is one of my professors. My boss looks at me and is like, "where is all your stuff?" and i was like "I wasn't able to get it" and then she was like "I gave you one task to complete. Why couldn't you complete it?" Then i looked over and my professor says "If you can't do this in college how do you expect to do it when you are a professional teacher?" So i said i'd get them this time. I headed back to the groceries and there was this door and i walked in and the next thing i know i'm walking down the aisle. I walk down and right up to the pastor and he is shaking his head left to right (or right to left...didnt pay that much attention to detail) and he says "Kris, what are you doing? I gave you one task: the dress. Why aren't you in your dress? If you can't seem to do this at your wedding? How are you going to manage a healthy marriage?" So i turn around looking at all my friends and family and i sigh and say "I didn't get the hamburger" and i run out the door and back into the grocery aisle. I am to the hamburger and i pick it up and an alarm sounds- which is my alarm clock.
wow, right?!? I have my own interpretation but you are welcome to go ahead and throw out your idea(s)

So i'm currently getting ready for homecoming. I took a quick break to blog and lunch! :0)! I love getting ready and there is nothing like putting on a pretty dress and getting all gussied up for a night!!!! The best thing is that i'm going on a stress-and-drama-free-all-girls-thing!!!!!!

Pics of getting my hair done: it's always an adventure.

Above: The back of my hair. Crazy cool, huh?

All done!

Me being crazy...would you have me any other way?

Me and the hairdresser aka Roomie!

debate, dreams and slang

So apparently my last blog won't publish or let me write on it due to me violating my terms of use. Since like everybody else i never actually read that before i agreed to it. I have no idea what i did. So after toying with it i decided to make a new blog.

so here it is! I put this on the other blog but wasn't sure if you (Nate) got to read it :0) Not to exclude the rest of my followers but he is the only i know reads it.

I've never been one for politics but i got back from my night class (horrible class but that's another blog) and was waiting for Mel to come over to work on something so i turned on the debate. I am so very sick of the way they don't answer questions but verbally beat the crap out of each other. Really, seriously? I don't care what the other one is saying. The entire time i was like "ohhh jerk move" and "i thought this was a presidential debate, it's looking more like an elementary debate". It was pretty stinkin' ridiculous.

So dreams. Nate, since i know you are the only one who reads this consistently, i do believe that dreams are a way of getting out my worst fears and God talks to me in them a lot. I'm not sure what God was saying in this one...i'll leave that up in the air: I dreamt that McCain and Palin got office and a month after they won they announced that they had restructured the government and we were going back to a monarchy, the way it should be. He stated that since his v.p. was female it worked to have her be queen so that she could take over his reign if/when he couldn't fulfill his duties. yet. i woke up like "whhhhhhhhhhhhhat?"

Maybe i'm sick of election talk. Maybe i dont like McCain. I haven't decided on a candidate either. Both talk non sense and i'd like to simply hear what they believe not bashing the other one. Oh how i cannot wait until this is over.

Side note having nothing to do with election: last night my proff. shared an article with 50 slang words and there is nothing funnier than a white middle aged woman saying and i quote "I'm not sure how to say this but does anyone know what fo sizzle means" I almost fell out of my chair. It was hilarious!

Yep dreams, slang and the debate. Is that random enough for you?
Kris