unemployment

Unemployment

I have been unemployed since August 5. This is the longest I have gone without a job since I was sixteen years old. I have had one interview so far. To be honest this whole experience has been a thanksgiving meal of humble pie. I knew that moving here would not be easy and that I would learn a huge lesson in depending on someone other than myself.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to get a job. I have applied to so many jobs that I have memorized my references and the important information. I have spent the last month working off my last paycheck. The only expenses have been to pitch in with groceries and gas here and there.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep. Also I am so stressed out about upcoming bills that I have knots in my stomach. I know what the bible says about worrying but since I have no life I tend to just sit around thinking about the thing I shouldn’t be worrying about. Also, not having a car to get away makes it quite difficult.

I found some quotes about unemployment:
**It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. -Harry S Truman **
**A man willing to work, and unable to find work, is perhaps the saddest sight that fortune's inequality exhibits under this sun. -Thomas Carlyle**

There are many who enjoy being unemployed. I am not one of these people. I have always worked in order to contribute. When I lived in GR I was unemployed for a month and I thought I’d lose my mind. I think the most difficult part is not having a community of believers. Yes, I’ve met a few people here and there but no community. Not like when I lived in Michigan and had a community at school, camp, and when I lived in Grand Rapids. It will take time to get a community here and I believe that God has control of my life.

farwell Michigan

It feels like only yesterday I was praying about what God wanted me to do and where he wanted me. Michigan or Ohio? When should I stop working at my current job?

Here I am on the morning of my move. I cannot wait to start my new chapter. The chapter of living with dad and being closer to my family. However right now I'd like to reflect on the amazing things I have learned and gone through this year. This has been a year full of tears, laughter, late nights and long eight hour shift. A year of new relationship, working through some relationships and ending some relationships which needed it. I have learned more in this year alone than many others combined. This year has been phenomenal, dramatic, confusing and above all such a fantastic learning experience. I am so grateful for the last year of my life.

God has taught me so much and I pray everyday that I can use this knowledge to help my future relationships (whether friendship or otherwise). He has taught me about the importance of relationships with women and how to guard my heart with my friendships with men. He has taught me to see the light in every darkened room. He has been there through all of the fantastic days of running around town with friends and has been there when I come home in tears because of something my boss said or because of my class being crazy.

He is so good.
He's so good to me.

Kris

Two Week Notice

My life changes so fast and it's something i've come accustomed to however not everyone is used to this. My life is crazy and that's fine. So my car died and not just wouldn't start but died died. So this means that I have to bum rides to work for awhile. This helped shape my decision and prayers to know when i would be done at work. I will be moving to Ohio on August 5th. Not on the 31st like previously planned. This is a bit earlier but the good news is that I will be back on the third weekend of August to celebrate the marriage of Nick and Laura. (for those who don't know Laura was my freshmen roommate) :D.

So I have two weeks to finish up work, pack everything and spend some time with those I love so much. I am so excited and yet know how much I will miss everyone.

My life is so crazy but I love it.

Tomboy trapped in a girl's body?

I am a tomboy through and through. I eat steak, love comedy and action movies, and enjoy watching tv shows such as "Deadliest Catch". I enjoy the company of guys not because I want to flirt but because they are who I relate to the most. For the most part I usually feel like one of the guys. There are times that something happens that catches me by surprise.

I was called cute but a close guy friend. He didn't go out of his way to say that he thought I was cute but told a friend that he was going to a movie with a girl who was cute. It was in no way a date. Just a movie with a close friend. Still no one has ever called me cute, especially not with me in ear shot. I didn't get girlie and get butterflies in my stomach or start blushing but it was nice to hear and it definitely brought a smile to my face.

I'm a girl in the way that i love compliment. That will never change. Sometimes being a girl isn't as scary as most tomboys think. Am a girl trapped in a tomboy's body OR a tomboy trapped in a girl's body?!?

My life is crazy!

Alright so my life has been so crazy lately. My mom and dad are not only dating after almost 20 years divorced but yesterday my mom moved in with him. This is beyond exciting and mind blowing. God has been so good to our family. Our family was pretty much torn apart healed individually and then put back together. I am so excited to have the chance the live with both parents. This hasn't happened since i was 8 and it will so different being an adult verses being a child. I can appreciate things that I never had the opportunity or knowledge to appreciate before. Almost like catching up for lost time but with wisdom. I haven't lived with a parent since i was in high school. That is gaining on ten years. I am so excited to see what God has in store for our family and to see what he is going to do in the next year.

For now though my goal is to not check out. I still have a few months to be with my friends and the girls at work. My job here is not yet done (not meaning that in a literal sense).

its so true

Today at church we sang a song i have sung a thousand times but this time it meant more to me than ever before.

God is so good, He's so good to me.
He answers prayers, He answers prayers,
God is so good, He's so good to me.

Saying he is so good doesn't do it justice but he is SO GOOD. So many great things are happening in my life and so many prayers are being answered. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Im going home...

Yesterday marked three weeks from my fast on my tv shows. I chose t.v. because it was part of my routine and knew that sacrificing that would give me the chance to really think about the decision before me. If you are wondering the decision was to move in with my dad in Ohio. I moved here when I was 13 and since then my heart has ached to be closer to my family. I has been difficult and challenging to be away from them. God has restored and built my relationship with my father. He offered me a room in his home and told me to truly think about it because it would rent-free and the ability to save money to pay back Spring Arbor. This was very appealing to me. Not to mention open a door to really continue to build on that relationship. I truly prayed about the situation, especially in the three weeks I gave up watching my tv shows. I truly believe that this is the best move for me.

So here I am looking at making a big move...AGAIN. Unlike in the last few years though this means that I will have to leave all of my friends and move back to where my crazy life all started :D. This may be difficult and possibly strain a few friendships but I feel that God is calling me to go home to my family.

I am at a very good place right now. My life is fantastic right now and I am loving every minute of it.

re-birth-day

My birthday is very special to me. Not only because my friends stop what they are doing and wish me a happy birthday and buy me gifts (which i'd be happy with the greeting and quality time). My birthday is special because it was the day that God changed my life.

Flashback:
The year was 2002 and i was turning 18. I had been attending church and was a "christian" since 13. This meant that I did whatever i wanted and then on Sunday put on my best smile and recited verses and talked about how wonderful Jesus was and how much I need him. However things changed when the summer before my birthday a youth pastor who just recently graduated from Pensecola challenged me to pause once a day and read my bible. I did it faithfully since. Which brings you to my birthday. A very drunk Kris laid on her bed and opened the bible out of habit. I stopped and said to myself, "this isn't right" it just isn't right. I heard this voice whisper "You can't have both lives. It's yours or mine". Right then and there i decided to give my life truly to God and live for him no matter the cost. I had no idea what that meant and certainly had never seen it but I made my decision. I wrote down on a peice of paper to write an excuse list and passed out. The next day i sat my mom down and explained that i was no longer going to live the partying lifestyle and that I needed her to lie to my friends. Even as a very young Chistian i knew that telling my friends i could no longer be around them because i was now a Christian was a terrible witness to them. I knew Jesus would want better. If you know me you know I am an honest person, so my mom lied every weekend. Now, if you are wondering why i had to sacrifice my friendships that's a great thing to wonder. My friends and I were not people who would drink because it was a birthday or graudation. We drank every weekend and soon it was nearly every night. We didn't have anything to celebrate other than loving to drink. So saying that I wasn't going to drink was like saying I didn't want anything to do with them.

Through the power of Christ and HIM alone I quit drinking and smoking. I have not since my 18th birthday, Feb. 19th, 2002 touched a cigerette and the first time I picked up a drink was on my 21st birthday or shortly afterward. I picked up a strawberry daquari and said "this tastes funny" and wasn't a fan. THAT IS THE POWER OF JESUS. Only he would make something once so delicious not as desirable.

All this background to say that i love my birthday. It's a day for me to remember that Jesus gave me 18 years and I controlled it and failed EPICLY. Then I gave him control and he is doing a much better job if i may so say myself. So tomorrow is not just the day that Kris Locker came into the world but it's also marks the day that Jesus called me out and pulled me out of my own way to bring HIM glory.

He had done so much in the last nine years. He has brought wonderful people in my life, taken some amazing people from me to be with him for eternity, asked me to walk away from other wonderful friends, and picked me up several times after being hurt and dissapointed. He also healed my heart and reunited me with my father. A relationship i shall never regret.

GOD IS GOOD. HE WILL BE PRAISED.
So if you think of me on my birthday praise God for my birthday. And for kicks wish me a happy re-birth-day. I know it sounds cheesy but hey that is me in a nutshell.
not a literal one cause i'm afraid of enclosed places.

love, Kris!

SURPRISE!

So this week was an awful and long week at work. Then on Saturday i picked up an extra shift for babysitting and that was fine. However on the way home my car pretty close to died. Let me just say i wasn't in the best of moods. I called my mom and Alissa crying about how much my life sucks and they calmed me down. I was supposed to go to Alissa's to check out her new place and part of me didn't even want to do that. Well i got there and something was off. I kept seeing familiar cars and there were a lot of shoes by the front door. I walked in the living room and SURPRISE!!!! It was full of about 20 of my closest friends and my family! I was so overwhelmed I started crying. The first person i saw was Brijette so i hugged her and then didn't know what to do so i hugged her again. I made it to my mom and made her cry, then hugged my brother and excused myself out of the room to find a kleenex. It mean more to me than words could possibly describe. We had pizza, cake/ brownies (and they were Kris Locker friendly too!!!) and played games. Each one took the time to stop and talk to me. They made me laugh and remember that there are people in my life who love me and make me feel appreciated. I have not felt appreciated or loved this past week and it was a great reminder. Throughout the night i was constantly reminded of how blessed I am. I have a family who will travel almost two hours to celebrate my birthday with my crazy friends. Friends who will make plans and drop what they are doing to spend time with me. I also have people in my life who will stop whatever they are doing and make me laugh. There was much laughing and that is a remedy that was needed.

It was a great night. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the people in my life. I am stupid blessed right now. Yep, stupid blessed.

careers

The past month has been a blur. I feel as though all i do is work all week and occasionally on the weekend after much sleep visit friends. I love what i do however who i work for has become draining and overwhelming. The company itself isn't bad but most days i feel as though they are just waiting for me to do something wrong that they can jump on me for. No one around me is happy and i feel stressed all the time. I don't make enough to pay all of my bills, my car is guzzling gas like a college frat boy at a party. All in all I haven't slept well which makes me even more exhausted and grumpy. Don't get me wrong God is amazing and has blessed my life. Don't read this thinking this is a pity party for Kris because i don't do that. I stick through things and look for opportunities. I'm simply venting on my blog, which let's be honest, i'm not all that certain a whole lot of people read! I really don't care to be honest (again) because writing is a destressor of mine.

So last Sunday something amazing happened. For the first time since August i went to church alone. I usually go with my roommate but she was singing in the service and i had no idea where she was sitting so i found a seat in the back and sat there. I became so overwhelmed with life during the worship time that i stopped singing. Partly because i was chocking back the "I know I should trust you tears" and partly because I could feel God wanted a moment with me. Right then and there he told me that he had this situation under control and that I needed to talk to Alissa. I took in a deep breathe and began to sing once again. The sermon talked about guarding your heart and how you need to give your best energy. He said at one point that you need to choose who gets your best energy because if you don't someone will choose for you. This was something I prayed about all week and work got it everyday this week. It's something to work on because my friends and family deserve more of my energy then i have given them lately.

So back to God telling me to call Alissa. I love her with all my heart but my first thought was that she was going to be busy and that i would at least leave her a voicemail. Sunday is a busy day for most of my friends. Well God is in control and not me so i called her on my way home from church and she picked up to my surprise. I told her about worship and my discontented heart and my job. I asked her to be in prayer with me about this. She prayed over me on the phone about looking at my job as a ministry and seeking other opportunities. On Monday i recieved a text that there was an opening someone and i am seeking God's decision for that job.

All that to say: GOD BE PRAISED. He leads and i follow. I don't hesitate or think about it. I just do it. He is far better at running my life than i am. I know i've tried. This week was a long week at work. The kids were awful and there were a lot of staff changes and such. However God got me through it. I prayed a lot, cried a lot, and read his word a lot. I also encouraged co-workers, made them laugh and smile when they needed it the most, and even read my bible during my break which started up some conversations. God is good and if that's what i needed to learn through this experience then it was totally worth it.

Long winded and tired,
Kris :D

Loneliness, The internet, and Fasting!

For the last few weeks the pastor at Frontline has started a series on Temptation. It is on the temptations of Jesus in the desert and what is at the heart of them. We focus on "Pausing" situations on life and sitting back and looking and seeing what needs to be done. The last sermon was about things getting in the way of your relationship with Jesus. The temptation was entitled "an acceptable need fulfilled in an unexceptable way". We were sent out of the church with the challenge of finding something that is getting in the way of your relationship with God and sacrifice it for a something greater later! I was convicted of my internet usage as a of way of dealing with loneliness. When i feel lonely or just bored I have a tendency to get online and try to fulfill the need to be with friends or family. I need to run to Jesus first and that is what I worked on this week.

I never not once missed the internet. I read books, rested, and spent quality time with my Savior. It was a great experience and I think i have the idea of how to use the internet for appropriate usage and still put Jesus first in my life. Jesus has been working on me and my loneliness issues as of late. I am independent and i love being on my own and doing my own thing. There are times that I wonder if one day there will be more. As of right now I love my time with Jesus and allowing him to teach me all the things he is. He has taught me a ton this year and i cannot wait to see what he has in store for me. I have no idea if i'll ever get married or even go on another date but right now I'm focusing on my Jesus.

Miss Kris!

So a short but sweet update!

So a week ago I got offered a job at a local daycare. I heard about the job through a new friend who I met! I started this Monday with orientation. From Monday to Wednesday I floated from room to room and had literally been in every room except for my friend Katie's room (Katie was the one that told me about the job). On Thursday and Friday I was her assistant and i loved it.

Life is so good right now. I really love life right now. I have no money and have to wait a few weeks until I get paid and back on my feet. Pretty excited for that. It will be nice to have money again to do crazy things like pay the rent, buy food and put gas in my car :0).

That's pretty much it!
Love, Kris

insert a clever title here!

So this weekend was absolutely amazing. I saw some old friends who still go to Spring Arbor and even some new friends who currently go there. I also got the opportunity to meet up with some old friends who graduated. It was beyond amazing. It was great to see my closest friends and catch up on life. It was nice to be around people who know me really well and that have an interest in my life. It was also nice to see how far i have come since leaving SAU. Some days it feels like i haven't really moved forward but this weekend was a reminder that I have in fact moved forward.

I'm living in a cynical world...

If you are looking for bubbly go listen to Colbie :) This is not the blog for you. Things are a roller coaster for me. Some days are full of hope and excitement and some days (like today) i wake up after sleeping in and waking to no alarm clock feeling like i lost my purpose and my way. I know what you are thinking "Chin up, Kris, all things will work out" well to be honest i know this already and just feel like being cynical. I go through these cycles every once in awhile. I feel like being cynical. I watch epic movies, make lists of how to improve things and blog...all are coping mechanisms that haven't failed me yet. :D.

So not going to lie (since i'm being honest) the male gender haven't been doing so well. I think of all the guys i talk to Korey may be the only one showing that not all guys are jerks. I know that i'm over reacting and generalizing. Just lately there have a lot of guys who have made me feel like garbage for having an opinion or even breathing lately. This is why I surround myself with people who don't make me feel like crap and who uplift me. I love my girls right now :D.

Things will get better but until they do being cynical is what i'll deal with. On Friday Cait and I are going to SAU and i'm excited. I have some on campus friends i'll visit and have a date with some old alumni friends. woooot. woooot. This will be much needed to see some friends who love me. I know they are in GR but lately don't feel like they are here...probably busy with their own lives which i understand. (i've only been unemployed for three days...i remember being busy).

God is my strength.
Kris

and another one bites the dust

So life is pretty confusing today. I really need guidance and wisdom. I am seeking prayer for direction in my life. Also another lesson in trusting God I feel is in the works.

On Tuesday I was informed that they are closing the daycare in which i work. The last day is October 29th which gave the staff less than a week to find an alternative job. The last few days have been a surreal blur. Each day the parents of the kids in which i care for ask me a myriad of questions, the kids seem a little bit sad and the staff are just not with it.

Basically, what happened was the original owner was going to take over the daycare once again. She decided to turn it down and the owners who have it now see the daycare for what it can be. They are closing the doors and renovating the place. Which means it will be closed for two months and are looking for "new families and a new staff" as they put it. We were encouraged to find employment elsewhere.

There are a variety of ways that i feel down about this. First of all these kids i've spent the last two months with i feel for them. They have to start all over again. I feel for the staff who have been there for ten or more years. I also feel just confused personally. I know God has given me this job in order to show me how much i love it. I have never loved a job this much (not even camp). This is a stepping stone to opening my orphanage some day and i truly believe that now.

For now i am considering a few day cares in the area but am also open to other ideas. I feel like right now in my life day care is where I am supposed to be. Maybe there is one out there that is better for me in the long run.

Like i said i really need some prayer in guidance and wisdom!

Seeking HIS will,
Kris Locker

some relief...

So after some praying and careful consideration of my life I quit my part-time job. I was looking at my life realistically. For the last month I have been so drained physically and emotionally. I became more emotional due to exhaustion. Luckily the second job was not needed financially but was only a source of added money. I had to ask myself why I was taking this job and why I was sacrificing sleep and weekends for this job. I really couldn't come up with a good answer so i quit. I told my boss that I was burnt out and just couldn't work there anymore. She took it really well and said she totally understood.

I looked up some verses about money to help with my decision:
*Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

*Mat 6:19-21 "Do not save riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, save riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are."

God provided me a full time job which supplies everything I "need". I believe I made the right choice and now can be in a shut-in during the week and actually do things on the weekends. I was going to wait until i saved up money to get a car. I felt that way until i saw the verse about saving up money. I don't really need the job and have been so physically exhausted lately that I was dragging at both jobs. I decided to quit the side job and felt a weight lifted afterward.

So now i have my weekends back and now get a chance to sleep on the weekends. I have been so exhausted that I just wasn't myself and whenever i had time to do something i would sleep and sleep some more. I became this empty shell and wasn't liking what i saw. No amount of money is worth that.

Odd Place

I'm in a very odd place right now. I really don't know that i even have the words to express what i'm going through right now. No words so they are definitely not eloquent or even something anyone could understand. Especially since I don't have the capacity to understand it. I feel empty and numb. I just feel bleh.

Yesterday was a great day...i truly was. However there are times that even with a huge group of people i feel that i will never fit in. I don't have that group of people in which i belong. I'll always be that new kid who doesn't find the place. I feel like this at work, visiting friends and even at church. I feel misunderstood and disassociated. I'm just in an odd place. I know what most of you are already thinking, "give it time and let God take control". The more i pray about this the more God tells me to wait. He doesn't want met to be involved in things or pursue things he wants me to wait. If there is anything i fail at constantly it's waiting on God. I fail in this over and over again. However I listen to him because i know better! I've done this before with him. I want them to know the one i fall in love with everyday!

I feel burdened for my family. I know the peace that comes from knowing and following Jesus. When i think about them not knowing him it breaks my heart in half. Today in church i was struck by this and it was like lightning. I couldn't move all i could do was pray. I couldn't speak or even think clearly. I wasn't myself because I am just so overwhelmed with this. I want them to know him so badly and just don't know what to do next. I pray and will continue to pray for them. I want nothing more than for them to know HIM. I want them to meet and accept the very person who is responsible for my life bringing me past myself pride and to a better place.

Today the sermon was about invited others in. It hit me that when i was 13 i was invited to GR to go to a drama skit night and that is where i met Jesus. I met him in GR over ten years ago and here I am living here for his unknown purpose. He has taken me so far and yet we have such a long journey ahead of us. I was headed down a path of self destruction and he saved me. He saved my life. All because a young right out of college youth pastor stopped by my house and asked me to go to GR with him for a few hours.

Pray.Love.Pray.Love (my goal in waiting)
:)
Kris

The New Kid...

I am having a pretty hard time right now. I feel like i don't know anyone. I don't have a group of people i hang out with. I know a lot of people in Grand Rapids but don't have that core group of people that I run to or hang out with. I know it's only been a month but it just kinda sucks to be honest. I mean it's not like i have a ton of time to just go and meet people. I work two jobs and when i'm not there i'm a lazy bones in my apartment. I don't want to talk or move after work much less go and meet people. I mean other than my roommates I have Nate. Not to say that those people aren't amazing and mean a lot to me...because OF COURSE THEY DO i just would like to know other people.

My whole life I've always felt like i've never fit in. I've always been that new kid who is obviously different. I feel that way at both of my jobs even though i'm not the only "newbie". I hate feeling left out or even outside of the one who "know what in the world is going on". I'm pretty frustrated with it right now.

In other news, Nate and I visited this church close to his house. It was really awesome. I love the pastor and it has an amazing college/post college group to get connected to. I really like it a lot. This gives me hope that i could potentially get to know someone that i didn't know when i moved to GR. I don't want to be the girl who only hangs around camp people. I love camp people but am over being a camp person. I'm starting down a new path...a full time working path; a living in Grand Rapids path. Camp will always be a part of who i am but it is not WHO i am. It makes sense to me.

these are my thoughts but mostly frustrations.
Kris :)

Working Woman...well soon i will be.

The transition has been difficult for me. It's also difficult to not be doing anything. Starting on Sunday my crazy working schedule begins. As far as classes it'll take like an hour at most each night just to get online and discuss on each class. I have visited a lot of people this week and have thoroughly enjoyed the down time. I have done whatever i can around the apartment to pitch in and help out. I help out a lot in the kitchen, we all do our part. I just feel like if i'm not doing anything I should at least be helping around the apartment.

On Sunday i am serving at the country club for the first time and on Tuesday i start a 40-hour work week at the daycare. I should be hearing from Chuck E Cheese by Monday on when i start training there. I am excited to be working again and with kids. I also am excited to one again have money. It seems everyone wants to continually ask me for money. Yep...good times.

In other news it's awesome to have some of my closest friends in the same town in which i live but feel that once my schedule kicks in i will have to work really hard to even talk to them. Luckily, I have a cell phone to help with that problem. I also am kinda getting tired of people talking about how hard it will be to juggle three jobs. I would love some support or encouragement here.

New chapter in my life!

Welcome to the time i call being crazy and loving it. I am absolutely loving Grand Rapids so far. I love it so far. I have a weekend job and am interviewing next week for two other jobs and yes i fully intend on having three jobs. I also intend on taking classes online while doing these three jobs.

As far as a social life...you know my phone number! Haha. I will talk to people but i feel like my roommates will see me the most.

I love living on my own and not having to feel like i have to talk to anyone on a regular basis. I love it so much. I will talk to my friends and there are those i will make more of an effort to hang out with because they are such close friends.

it'll be crazy but since when am i sane?

Kris