a break or a reminder?

Everytime i go home i am stuck between a break and a reminder. I love my family and spending time with them is so precious to me. However each time i am home i find myself thinking about how much i want more for myself. I don't want to have to decided between rent and groceries because the hot water went out again or because the furnace motor went out again. I want to have food in the cupboard and a roof over my head and not have to worry about it. I don't know if this will happen for me but i sure hope so. I want more. More than scraping by and more than just barely making it. I want more.

A year ago today i prayed that God would use my life to effect change and that i would be a light. Over this break i have often wondered if i had reached this goal. I know that we can always do better but was i the light i wanted to be and then i went to Ohio. After seeing my Dad's side of the family and answering my many questions of graduation, student teaching and where i'd like to teach some day i went to my Mom's side of the family. It was pretty remarkable because we had family come from South Dakota for the holiday season. It ended up being a great big family reunion and it was great. I went from a room full of college degrees to a room of former drug addicts. I had one cousin ask me how i was related since i wasn't divorced, drunk or doing drugs. I laughed and said i wasn't sure. Then my aunt starting asking me what i did the conversation when something like this:

Aunt: Do you smoke
Me: no
Aunt: Do you drink
Me: no
Aunt: Do you do drugs
Me: no
Aunt: *after picking on a younger cousin* Have you ever had sex?
Me: no
Aunt: *eyes widen* What DO you do?
Me: ummm a lot of homework?

it makes me sad that i am the only one at my age who is still a proud virgin that my family knows. On that side of the family there are 14 yr olds having sex. This breaks my heart, truly! I think though that this proves that i am shining. It may not seem like much but they are seeing that something is different with the girl who doesn't drink, date no good guys, get married too young or get into drugs. I was sitting and talking with two aunts and two cousins (all girls) and they were talking about their past drug addictions and they were using drugs i had never heard of. They would stop and tell me how they wished they were wise like me and that i had a great head on my shoulders and to be wise from here on out. Then one said to make sure i knew a guy before i slept with him, i reassured her that was NOT a problem.

I love my family. They are so diverse and show that there is a need in America. A need for love and compassion. A need of a light. I made a choice that night to do the little things to show my light. SInce then i have refilled glasses of pop, served dinner to family or ran errands for my tired brother. I believe the little things speak loudly.

Back to school on Tuesday and i truly am not sure if i will be back home before i am finished, i guess we'll see. I'll use this time given by God to shine his light. I do believe things are happening. Even if it's just them warming up to me talking about God. Little things are happening.

These are my thoughts,
Kris

break...

I really want to go somewhere. Somewhere exotic, fun or even third world. Just saying. Break is going well. Yesterday i had to drive to Coldwater to get a new motor for our furnace because for the two days prior the trailer had been at 55 and one of the days it was 5 degrees outside. Brrrr. It's a lot better now. However i think due to the three days sitting in a freezing trailer I'm getting sick. At least I'm on break and don't have anything to do, right?

On other news my family got donated two huge boxes of food from a local church. My brother and i literally had to talk everything out of the cupboards and reoragnize because there was so much food, thank God for that church. Money is tight and it's hard to feed ten people! We were organizing and he says "i give you a lot of s**t for your beliefs but if it weren't for people like you i would be starving and my kids wouldn't have many presents"
Just in case you are wondering that is the highest form of praise! I was so happy! I feel as if i am a lonely missionary on an island of those who don't know and don't care. It's hard but i know God will bless me for it. I have read my bible more than ever and i pray often. I even have an alarm on my phone that goes off everyday at 3pm to pray for Nate, Kait and Rachel. My brother saw it going off one day and yelled into the kitchen "YOU NEED TO PRAY" Then i got to explain how i dont only pray at that time but it's a reminder to keep praying for them. Then i got to talk about them being in Africa. It's the small stuff for this missionary.

Kris

So apparently this internet provider (at the library) won't let me get on facebook or even look at my blog. I can read other blogs and blog but can't look at my old posts. It's blocked facebook due to it's chatting tendencies. Oh well i'll deal. Well it's day three of break and so far i've

-cut up a deer
-pulled something in my back
-decided it will be a very loooooooong time before i have kids ;)

One of the amish guys in the area shot a deer and said that if my brother wanted to cut it up he could keep the meat. So as a family we cut up a deer. Interesting experience to sit around with your siblings and siblings-to-be's cutting up a deer and chatting it up. It was pretty great though. Not gonna lie: I didn't think i'd be able to stomach it but it was pretty cool. Plus we have deer meat to eat for a long time.

Now this Christmas is very exciting to me. Not because i sleep on a couch which pulls my back in ways it should never be pulled but because it's all about the kids. All the adults in my family decided a month ago that the kids were the ones that the gifts part of Christmas was for and they were to recieve the gifts and not us. We instead will all pitch in for our family Christmas dinner. I wanted to be with my family that's all i want. Also this year the Locker side is getting together the day after so for the first time in a long time i get to wake up on Christmas and go NO WHERE! That's so awesome! I'm excited about that! My gift is already recieved. I get to wake up and go no where and be with my family!

Speaking of family i love them but right now i'm in a two bedroom trailer with a total of ten people and five of which are kids ranging from 3 to 11. I think i'm okay with not having children for awhile. Seriously, i'm alright waiting a long long time :0)!

Oh and P.S. i don't know if i blogged about this but Carp came to SAU to visit me and it was amazing. I went over to Laura's and she seemed way to excited and that she was hiding something at first i thought Nate had lied about his flight but knew that was too good to be true and there Mike Carpenter was! I about flipped then we watched Wall-e and i found another fan of a great movie :)! No offense to Mike but i was really wishing it were Nate. It was great though we watched one of my fave movies, ate homemade cookies, drank Dr. Pepper and celebrated that i had completed my most challenging semester yet! Woot!

CHRISTmas

During these weeks of final projects and exams it's easy to forget the true meaning of the Christmas season. With each to-do list and shopping trip it becomes so easy to focus on yourself. In reflecting about what Christ means to me: I am overwhelmed by how much he means to me. To know that someone who is so powerful and mighty cares about the details of my life keeps me in awe of him. I am so undeserving and grateful for the love of this huge God. I pray this season you take the time to reflect upon what God means to you. Remember to be grateful for all that he is to you.

I wrote this in the Christmas cards i gave the transfer students. I decided that instead of the standard "have a great break" greeting i would put something a little deeper. I haven't heard any responses, yet.

P.S. David Crowder is coming to SAU on my 25th birthday. Now leave it to Crowder to throw me a birthday bash...JUST KIDDING! But seriously, you should come.

giving up...

Don't worry friends, i know the title can sound negative but this is a good thing. Earlier this week i was praying and talking to God and i gave up the rest of my year to him to do what he wants. I'm done worrying about everything from relationships, to ministries, to classes. I'm not saying that i'm gonna climb into bed and show up to Graduation in May but that i'm not going to constantly worry about if this friends is feel neglected, if this boy likes me or what will happen if the professor didn't like my paper. I am going to put myself into everything i do as i usually do but my life is in HIS hands and i don't need to mess with it. I am going to wait and see what God does with it. He is much better at handling my life's craziness so i'll let him do it again! :0)

I was watching a t.v. show the other day and it filled me with so much emotion. I'm not one to watch t.v. but i had some downtime (miracle!!!) and found a show about millionaires who for a week live like they are poor. They have to make rent, buy food and they leave with only $150. They meet people just barely making ends meet and decide how to give a lot of money and how much to give to whom. They met a little girl who had cancer and her family had no insurance. I have never gotten so emotional watching a show but i was just crying. I composed myself and then at the end of the show the father and son millionaire pair handed the dad of the little girl a check for "50,000" and he started crying and by this time i was bawling my eyes out. It was sad and happy at the same time. Then at the end of the show they went back to their millionaire ways and raving about how much it changed them. I got angry and thought to myself, "How can you go back to your 10 Mil mansion when you know the needs out there? How can you back to that?" I know i couldn't. But i do. I'm a privileged college student. I'm still processing it.

one last thing: i was talking to a guy friend the other day and like most convos with this guy we started talking about relationships and he said that he surveyed a lot of college-age guys and the top two things they look for in a girl was: humor and modest. I found this interesting.

Kris

my thoughts

today has been extremely busy yet contemplative. I do a lot of walking whether back and forth from my apartment, to class, to various meetings, or around campus trying to find an open computer: which is increasingly difficult these days with finals so close. Usually on these walks i would listen to my Ipod and jam but my charger is broken so instead i think and think some more. Today here are my four main thoughts.
1. Singleness is no disease
2. Today is a gift
3. Japan was life altering
4. i like boys.
Now simply glancing at my list it seems like one and four contradict one another but let me explain each of then and the novel begins now:

1. Singleness is a gift.
I started to write this blog but got sick of sounding like the tired old cliche of how singleness is truly a gift. Let's just say that i haven't written off the possibilities of being a wife and mother but i am truly joyful in my singleness. Being a single woman of God has been extremely difficult but rewarding. There is someone who if asked i would trade in my single life for a relationship but i am more than willing to wait.

2. Today is a gift.
I have never truly struggled with holding onto the past. If you know my past you would understand why this is. However lately i have much struggled with the want for the future. This is difficult to step away from especially when you are in college where we are often talking about our careers, graduating, marriage, etc. My prayer partner recently bought me the Nooma video titled Today because he knows of my struggle with staying in the moment. The gesture alone of someone buying me an out of the blue gift was huge. I am not a die hard Rob Bell fan but i do like his teachings. I just finished watching it and it was great but i have to think about it and look up some of the scriptures and formulate my own opinions about it!

3. Japan was life altering.
Tonight before my class i was invited to a meeting for students interesting in Japan semester abroad. As a veteran(as they call us) i got to be asked questions and talk about our trip. As stated earlier i don't like to dwell on the past but as i walked in watching the picture slideshow i came to the realization that i have come a long way since that trip. Pre-Japan i had never stepped outside the country and was very close minded about a lot of things. I am nowhere near the same person. I so appreciate all i learned on that trip and was so excited to share that with others and as i shared with others it was as if it were a family reunion even though none of the other veterans went on the same trip.

4. i like boys.
Attention getting? I'd hope so! This one is a praise to guys. I realize that as a single girl praising guys can be dangerous grounds but let me give you some girl perspective! Today i was walking through the student center (i usually walk around but seeing how it's pretty cold i decided to walk through) and this guy i met once about a month ago slid through the door very slickly and i said hey as i was about 10 feet from the door he stopped right in front of me, looked up at me and said "I am so sorry" and turned around and ran to the door opening it for me and waited patiently until i got to the door. I was shocked and so appreciative. Let me just say that a good guy, a guy who is good out of genuineness is a rare find. I know that the guys who read this blog fit in this category. Know that your acts of genuine kindness does not go unnoticed by this girl, i notice and i appreciate it oh so much! Before coming to SAU i never once had a guy open a door (car, house, or store) for me before and i never knew guys did that! :) truly! So these days being a gentlemen or genuinely nice is something i have grown accustomed to but i do in my heart appreciate it so much. Know that i appreciate the small things you great guys do and i am better for knowing you.

my thoughts for you!
Kris

a creative title of some sort...

Break was good for one reason: it was a break. I was home for the first time all semester and although i did do homework it was such the break. I slept in until 10 each morning, which in my family is a miracle! :0)! I got to see my nephews and neice and even saw an aunt i hadn't seen since in six years! There was a hint of sadness because this was the first holiday without my grandpa and the first holiday is always a little sad.

So as far as conversation it was the same as always. The three questions i hate but get asked every holiday or break:
-When are you graduating?
-What are you going to do after that?
-When will you ever start dating? (afterall i am the ONLY sibling to be single)
that is an upcoming blog because i have to run to a prayer meeting.

Let's just say i'm content where i am and not in a "fake smile" contentness but seriously am joyful with where i am! :)
Kris.