I have the day off so I’m sitting in Cadillac, Mi at one of my fave coffee shops: drinking coffee and chilling. I have been here since about 12:30 and am nowhere near ready to leave yet. I love that feeling. The non-rushed feeling. There are a variety of thoughts bouncing around this head of mine. I’ll try to somehow organize them cause well that’s who I am. I am organized girl even on my day off :0)
Let’s start with camp and how I am so incredibly blessed. God has been teaching me how to each day is a new start and how to trust him in EVERYTHING. That the little things he had me give up in the school year has just flowed into the big things I need to trust him with such as relationships (or lack thereof) and finances and basically the future. He has been so good to me. Part of me fears that I will wake up and realize it’s all a dream and that at the end of the summer I have to move back home *that would be a nightmare friends*. I know that is crap and I tell Satan that he is a jerk and that God’s plans are so much bigger and better than my own. HE is so good.
On to God lessons. Last Sunday I was in church and Pastor Jack was speaking on emotional baggage and how we have to let it go. This hit me two fold.
First of all I was holding on to my baggage and using it as an excuse to not date or want to date. I must admit I’ve often thought about dating but the fear of having to open up to another person about my past baggage and my family scares the crap out of me and I don’t want to be that vulnerable to another person, especially a male who in my life seems to be the ones who are the best at hurting me so much deeper than any girl. I know this is crap. It is and that is why I gave up this thinking and realized it’s not my fear but Satan throwing my past crap back into my face and calling it “being cautious or guarding my heart”. He’s an idiot. Enough said.
The second one was that I became heavily burdened for my family. They have so much baggage and they just are so lost and don’t know the freedom that is in Christ. They see it in me but cannot understand or grasp the concept. They are my mission field and I love them more deeply then they’ll ever ever know. They will always be apart of who I am and in my heart. They will always be first after Jesus. If they need food I’ll provide, if they need a place to crash and I have my own place they have ultimate dibbs, if they need someone to talk to it doesn’t matter when they know they can call me. God has put me into this family and it’s sad that it took me so long to see why. I am there to serve them and attend their needs and to show them what authentic Christianity looks like. They know the Bible and they know “Christians” but unfortunately their view hasn’t been very positive. God created me a stubbornness and rough exterior to stick through tough time and I believe that is why I am still a Christian among all the trials we faced as a family. When churches treated us like crap and asked us to leave the church. Oh I could go into a long rant but won’t. If you want that rant talk to me sometime and I’ll go into how badly of a witness my introductory church was!
I am letting go. Two weeks ago it was revealed to me that the guy that I liked and I thought maybe he liked me back wasn't interested. God is teaching me to be content with my single hood and it’s hard but it’s what God wants for me at this time. I finally got the answer I wanted. Maybe not “the answer I wanted” but I wanted an answer. My joy is in the LORD and that is not in circumstances. I’m trying to live out Philippians out. If I could turn off my emotions I would but God is teaching me how having feelings aren’t a sin but what you do with them can lead to sin.
All this to say I am extremely blessed right now and God is teaching me so much.
How's that for an update?
Kris
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