a break or a reminder?

Everytime i go home i am stuck between a break and a reminder. I love my family and spending time with them is so precious to me. However each time i am home i find myself thinking about how much i want more for myself. I don't want to have to decided between rent and groceries because the hot water went out again or because the furnace motor went out again. I want to have food in the cupboard and a roof over my head and not have to worry about it. I don't know if this will happen for me but i sure hope so. I want more. More than scraping by and more than just barely making it. I want more.

A year ago today i prayed that God would use my life to effect change and that i would be a light. Over this break i have often wondered if i had reached this goal. I know that we can always do better but was i the light i wanted to be and then i went to Ohio. After seeing my Dad's side of the family and answering my many questions of graduation, student teaching and where i'd like to teach some day i went to my Mom's side of the family. It was pretty remarkable because we had family come from South Dakota for the holiday season. It ended up being a great big family reunion and it was great. I went from a room full of college degrees to a room of former drug addicts. I had one cousin ask me how i was related since i wasn't divorced, drunk or doing drugs. I laughed and said i wasn't sure. Then my aunt starting asking me what i did the conversation when something like this:

Aunt: Do you smoke
Me: no
Aunt: Do you drink
Me: no
Aunt: Do you do drugs
Me: no
Aunt: *after picking on a younger cousin* Have you ever had sex?
Me: no
Aunt: *eyes widen* What DO you do?
Me: ummm a lot of homework?

it makes me sad that i am the only one at my age who is still a proud virgin that my family knows. On that side of the family there are 14 yr olds having sex. This breaks my heart, truly! I think though that this proves that i am shining. It may not seem like much but they are seeing that something is different with the girl who doesn't drink, date no good guys, get married too young or get into drugs. I was sitting and talking with two aunts and two cousins (all girls) and they were talking about their past drug addictions and they were using drugs i had never heard of. They would stop and tell me how they wished they were wise like me and that i had a great head on my shoulders and to be wise from here on out. Then one said to make sure i knew a guy before i slept with him, i reassured her that was NOT a problem.

I love my family. They are so diverse and show that there is a need in America. A need for love and compassion. A need of a light. I made a choice that night to do the little things to show my light. SInce then i have refilled glasses of pop, served dinner to family or ran errands for my tired brother. I believe the little things speak loudly.

Back to school on Tuesday and i truly am not sure if i will be back home before i am finished, i guess we'll see. I'll use this time given by God to shine his light. I do believe things are happening. Even if it's just them warming up to me talking about God. Little things are happening.

These are my thoughts,
Kris