some relief...

So after some praying and careful consideration of my life I quit my part-time job. I was looking at my life realistically. For the last month I have been so drained physically and emotionally. I became more emotional due to exhaustion. Luckily the second job was not needed financially but was only a source of added money. I had to ask myself why I was taking this job and why I was sacrificing sleep and weekends for this job. I really couldn't come up with a good answer so i quit. I told my boss that I was burnt out and just couldn't work there anymore. She took it really well and said she totally understood.

I looked up some verses about money to help with my decision:
*Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

*Mat 6:19-21 "Do not save riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, save riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are."

God provided me a full time job which supplies everything I "need". I believe I made the right choice and now can be in a shut-in during the week and actually do things on the weekends. I was going to wait until i saved up money to get a car. I felt that way until i saw the verse about saving up money. I don't really need the job and have been so physically exhausted lately that I was dragging at both jobs. I decided to quit the side job and felt a weight lifted afterward.

So now i have my weekends back and now get a chance to sleep on the weekends. I have been so exhausted that I just wasn't myself and whenever i had time to do something i would sleep and sleep some more. I became this empty shell and wasn't liking what i saw. No amount of money is worth that.

Odd Place

I'm in a very odd place right now. I really don't know that i even have the words to express what i'm going through right now. No words so they are definitely not eloquent or even something anyone could understand. Especially since I don't have the capacity to understand it. I feel empty and numb. I just feel bleh.

Yesterday was a great day...i truly was. However there are times that even with a huge group of people i feel that i will never fit in. I don't have that group of people in which i belong. I'll always be that new kid who doesn't find the place. I feel like this at work, visiting friends and even at church. I feel misunderstood and disassociated. I'm just in an odd place. I know what most of you are already thinking, "give it time and let God take control". The more i pray about this the more God tells me to wait. He doesn't want met to be involved in things or pursue things he wants me to wait. If there is anything i fail at constantly it's waiting on God. I fail in this over and over again. However I listen to him because i know better! I've done this before with him. I want them to know the one i fall in love with everyday!

I feel burdened for my family. I know the peace that comes from knowing and following Jesus. When i think about them not knowing him it breaks my heart in half. Today in church i was struck by this and it was like lightning. I couldn't move all i could do was pray. I couldn't speak or even think clearly. I wasn't myself because I am just so overwhelmed with this. I want them to know him so badly and just don't know what to do next. I pray and will continue to pray for them. I want nothing more than for them to know HIM. I want them to meet and accept the very person who is responsible for my life bringing me past myself pride and to a better place.

Today the sermon was about invited others in. It hit me that when i was 13 i was invited to GR to go to a drama skit night and that is where i met Jesus. I met him in GR over ten years ago and here I am living here for his unknown purpose. He has taken me so far and yet we have such a long journey ahead of us. I was headed down a path of self destruction and he saved me. He saved my life. All because a young right out of college youth pastor stopped by my house and asked me to go to GR with him for a few hours.

Pray.Love.Pray.Love (my goal in waiting)
:)
Kris

The New Kid...

I am having a pretty hard time right now. I feel like i don't know anyone. I don't have a group of people i hang out with. I know a lot of people in Grand Rapids but don't have that core group of people that I run to or hang out with. I know it's only been a month but it just kinda sucks to be honest. I mean it's not like i have a ton of time to just go and meet people. I work two jobs and when i'm not there i'm a lazy bones in my apartment. I don't want to talk or move after work much less go and meet people. I mean other than my roommates I have Nate. Not to say that those people aren't amazing and mean a lot to me...because OF COURSE THEY DO i just would like to know other people.

My whole life I've always felt like i've never fit in. I've always been that new kid who is obviously different. I feel that way at both of my jobs even though i'm not the only "newbie". I hate feeling left out or even outside of the one who "know what in the world is going on". I'm pretty frustrated with it right now.

In other news, Nate and I visited this church close to his house. It was really awesome. I love the pastor and it has an amazing college/post college group to get connected to. I really like it a lot. This gives me hope that i could potentially get to know someone that i didn't know when i moved to GR. I don't want to be the girl who only hangs around camp people. I love camp people but am over being a camp person. I'm starting down a new path...a full time working path; a living in Grand Rapids path. Camp will always be a part of who i am but it is not WHO i am. It makes sense to me.

these are my thoughts but mostly frustrations.
Kris :)

Working Woman...well soon i will be.

The transition has been difficult for me. It's also difficult to not be doing anything. Starting on Sunday my crazy working schedule begins. As far as classes it'll take like an hour at most each night just to get online and discuss on each class. I have visited a lot of people this week and have thoroughly enjoyed the down time. I have done whatever i can around the apartment to pitch in and help out. I help out a lot in the kitchen, we all do our part. I just feel like if i'm not doing anything I should at least be helping around the apartment.

On Sunday i am serving at the country club for the first time and on Tuesday i start a 40-hour work week at the daycare. I should be hearing from Chuck E Cheese by Monday on when i start training there. I am excited to be working again and with kids. I also am excited to one again have money. It seems everyone wants to continually ask me for money. Yep...good times.

In other news it's awesome to have some of my closest friends in the same town in which i live but feel that once my schedule kicks in i will have to work really hard to even talk to them. Luckily, I have a cell phone to help with that problem. I also am kinda getting tired of people talking about how hard it will be to juggle three jobs. I would love some support or encouragement here.

New chapter in my life!

Welcome to the time i call being crazy and loving it. I am absolutely loving Grand Rapids so far. I love it so far. I have a weekend job and am interviewing next week for two other jobs and yes i fully intend on having three jobs. I also intend on taking classes online while doing these three jobs.

As far as a social life...you know my phone number! Haha. I will talk to people but i feel like my roommates will see me the most.

I love living on my own and not having to feel like i have to talk to anyone on a regular basis. I love it so much. I will talk to my friends and there are those i will make more of an effort to hang out with because they are such close friends.

it'll be crazy but since when am i sane?

Kris

headed to GR

This week has been insane but good...insanely good! My brother got married last weekend and since then it's been non-stop family time. I met up with a few girlfriends and that was a blast. One from highschool who got married in December and unfortunately i wasn't able to be there so she told me all about it and showed me pictured and we had a blast catching up at a Mexican restaurant...yum yum. Speaking of yum yum a former camp worker and I met up for ice cream too this week. It was a great time to see her and meet her daughter. You know your old when you go home and visit your married friends and some of which are moms. Weird.

It truly has been a great time at home for the last week. We took the kids to the Air Zoo in Kalamazoo, watching movies, played family games, practiced throws for football and even went to a football game of my older brothers. It truly was an eventful week but one I'll look back on and think back on and be so grateful for the time i got with them. I miss my niece and nephews so much when i'm gone and it's nice to spend time with them. The older ones are pre teen and soon they will be far too cool and busy to hang out with their "out of town aunt"! It was great to spend time with them while i can. My younger nephew was trying to talk me into letting him move in with me. Tempting offer but not sure i'm ready to take care of a five year old.

So here's goes another chapter in the crazy book called my life. This chapter is called "Single in Grand Rapids" lol. Nice title i think. I'm nervous and excited to see what God will do with me there. It'll be a ride for sure. I'm excited to get out of small town life for a while.

Welp, my next blog will be from my first official on my own apartment! Can i get a woot woot?
Kris

she's back!!!!!

Hello blogging world!

I discovered recently that my last blog was written in May. There are so many things that have happened since then. I read it to see where I last left off and as I read the words, “It pains me to not being going to Honduras”…as I read this I found myself chuckling because God has done so much in my life since I wrote that blog! Okay, enough introductions now it’s time to update you.

‡Ch…ch…changes! ‡
So I really fought with the idea of moving back home. When you’ve “graduated” from college and then move back home it’s a hard concept. I got to the point where I was content with this and let go of my pride and told God to take over and I was done making plans. Shortly after, I received a phone call from Lauren. We have always talked about moving to another country and teaching together. She said she was looking for a roommate after the summer and thought it’d be a good idea to live together here and seeing if we truly want to move outside of the country together. I told her that I’d pray about it and that more than likely it would be after six months of living at home. The more I prayed the better the idea seemed to me. I felt like God was asking to really trust him and move there in August. My only hesitation was my mom being really excited about moving back in with her. She and I are really tight and I finally would be home for the first time since high school. So one night I called her to talk to her about moving to Grand Rapids with Lauren. I asked her if there were any jobs at home and she said not really and it would be difficult to find work that I didn’t have to drive to. Then she said it’d be a good idea to live somewhere that has public transport. I then told her about the moving idea and she was totally supportive. Not that as an adult I needed her permission but it’s nice to be supported by my family whom I love a lot. I am pretty dang excited about what the future holds.

£ Farewell Center Lake £
Before going into how I’m saying farewell to my beloved camp, I’ll tell you about my summer. This summer was beyond amazing and I was blessed. I was pretty concerned about leading the SMT group but had so much support and love. Nate- you were such a blessing to the group-. Nate doesn’t like me bragging about him but I’ll do it anyway…I’m a rebel :o). Nate was never asked to help with the group but he totally stepped up and invested time in the group and he helped out in every way he could. No one ever said he had to or should but he did it cause that is the person he is. I was incredibly blessed by his service to the group. I love serving along side of him. A lot of people that I lead with are afraid to step up and lead when I’m there but we are such close friends that we know when one needs to lead and when to let the other lead. We also took the group on an amazing backpacking trip. Such a grand time. Time for the farewell part: As another chapter of my life is starting another one must end. I just completed my seventh summer at camp. I have very much loved my experiences but feel as though it is time to move on and do something different. Not better, not worse…different. My goal was to leave a completely different person than I came in and God has transformed me from that girl who nervously entered camp seven years ago. I am no longer that shy, reserved girl who was petrified to lead on her own. Now, I’m one of the staff that everyone looks at to see what to do or to see if I will lead. I loved how God has used my unique gifts for his glory and his kingdom. He has brought so many amazing people into my life. People that outside of these crazy camp walls I would have never met and probably wouldn’t have noticed me in a crowd otherwise but are people that I am a better person for simply knowing. Two of which I will be living with in the fall…wooooooooot!!!!!! Although it is a bit sad to close this chapter in my life, I am so beyond pumped to see what God has for me next. I am willing to do whatever and go wherever. I am willing and able and excited to do what he calls me to do. He is so much better at controlling my life than I am. I try and try and fail constantly. I am so excited to serve Him in Grand Rapids…and to live in a bigger community JUST SAYIN’. I’m a bit of a socialite.

¥ School again…are you NUTS? ¥
Yes and absolutely nuts for Jesus. My life doesn’t ever make sense which is fine cause Jesus knows that I get bored I make terrible life decisions. It’s a true story. So I am currently pursuing another passion of mine while my degree at SAU is being with held *rolls eyes and gives an angry fist*. I am looking at getting an online Business Administration degree. This is for many reasons. The first is that my dream has always been to open a homeless shelter. I have always wanted to do this and call it “Entertaining Angels” (which was a name I came up with my close friend, N’STO). Well I want to jump start that idea with business classes and with a Business Administration degree can get a nice job in an office or something to sustain me to start and open my homeless shelter. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but put on the back burner to teach and since God slammed shut that door I felt that it was time to pursue this dream.
µ And now for something completely random µ
Random thought: I have been extremely happy with my last name and have decided that only a man with an epic last name will get me to rid myself of such a great last name.

How’s that for an update?
Kris Locker.

================================================================================
Dear Friends/Loved ones:

If you are reading then it is because I know that you are praying and/or someone I need to keep fully informed. As most of you know I was accepted into an International school in Honduras. Due to some things (mostly financial) that were beyond my control I had to turn down the job after accepting it. This pains me more than I can express. However my love for Christ is much stronger than my wants to teach internationally. Although this is hard I do know that God has a plan. There is a reason that I am being called to stay here. I have no clue what the future holds for me after the summer is over. I know that I am being called to camp for another summer and then after that is a giant question mark. I am moving in with my mom after July. That’s what I know for sure right now.

I appreciate all of your prayer during this really confusing and frustrating time for me. God is teaching me what it truly means to follow him with wild abandonment. It doesn’t have to make sense but it is important to do it anyway. Please continue your prayers for me as I continue to follow God’s will for me.

extra extra read all about it...

FINALLY. I got a job. After months of searching and seeing a lot of closed doors. I finally got a job. My first real post-college job. I recieved a job offer to teach third grade at a bilingual Christian school in Honduras. :0) I will be gone August until June and then back for the summer months. I will be doing this for a two year period and then i could sign another contract or come back home. Who knows what could happen in two years! Did i mention i was excited?

Exciting, nevrous, shock...all these feelings i would claim! I have a lot of details to fill in but have a few months yet. I am so pumped. I had a peace about the job: everthing just fell into place for the job but had my doubts after the interview. But all that waiting and praying was so very much worth it!!!!!

Please pray for my family. They aren't sure how to feel about me being gone so long in another country. It's normal stuff for a family to worry about...just pray for them.

God is oh so good
Kris :)

it's been a while

Hi blog world it's Kris Locker again!

My life lately has been pretty crazy and boring. I know only my life could be described using both those adjectives. Haha! I say boring but i think that it's awesome. I love boredom especially since after boredom comes crazy busyness :) I love boredom. I like sleeping and watching movies. Seriously i do; there is NO sarcasm here!

I have two possible jobs lining up. One is temporary at a local school. One of their teachers is in the hospital and one of the teachers asked if she could drop my name to the school to fill in for a while. I should hear soon. I guess we'll see. The other one is for the fall/next two years. It's a bilingual Christian school in Honduras. I am excited and extremely nervous. I have the interview on Monday on skype.

Otherwise life has been an emotional rollercoaster! Seriously "Mood Rings" by Relient K has been my theme song lately. I am emotionally exhausted. Ready to run away to another country or just to go into hiding for awhile :)

That's my life lately
Kris :)

Tell me where; tell me when!

God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my life lately. All behind the scenes "heart" stuff. In my life it's all about the small things.

Haiti opportunity:
There was an opportunity to go to Haiti and teach. However i received word today that it had been filled. Oddly enough i wasn't disappointed because my prayer through the whole thing was that someone would fill that need. Haiti's need for a teacher is bigger than my want to go. I praise GOD that someone was able to go and help there. I truly believe God put this desire in my heart to show me that i truly do have a calling for international teaching. The contact for Haiti said she was keeping my name on file and would contact me if any other jobs opened up in the upcoming months. Since i returned from Japan I've known that one day I've love to teach internationally. However lately I've been questioning if it's what i want to do or God's will for my life. I was really down and when i thought there was even a chance to teach in Haiti my entire word lit up and my heart lept. I truly believe God wanted to restore that passion in my heart and help me to see that's what he wants for me. I don't know when and i definitely have no idea where but i know that i will one day teach in another country. There are many aspects of my life which show that I'm designed for teaching internationally such as: unsettled in any place i live and never having a place where i feel like i belong and am supposed to be. I could see myself settling down in Cadillac but i really don't think that right now would be a time when i could see that. I also have never had a "potential relationship" work out. There is always a point that God reveals that it's not a good idea usually due to a lack of a very important characteristic i am looking for. God has revealed to me what I'm looking for and maybe he's not in America or maybe he will show up later on in life. I have no idea but am fully dependent of God for his timing...he's better than I am.

For Now:
For now I'm involved at camp, church and will be applying to jobs until summer starts. I am excited for this next part of my life and to see where God will take me next. I have learned so much lately about pride, stubbornness, and running to him in times of loneliness and near depression. I do believe I'm in a "valley" spiritually. This is not a bad thing because in my life it has often been the case that when i am in the valley or the low point God is preparing me for something really big. I have no idea what that is and i think it's much better in the long run not to know. For now I'm going to be faithful in the small things. I've applied to a school in Evart, MI who is looking for a teacher assistant and I'll see what happens with that. I am excited to learn more about God and myself during these next few months.

A boy break...

I'm done being dramatic.
the end.

so, where to now God?

In two weeks time i will be done with college. Completely done and with the degree i've worked incredibly hard for a long and growing 6.5 years. What comes next is a great question. I truly have no idea. I have an account on six different teaching website and there is nada in Michigan. So of course this means i have many decisions to make in a few short months.
-Do i move out of state for a job?
-If I do, how will be able to afford a place to live?
-Is it wise to stick around here when there is no way to use my degree?
-What about working abroad?
-What about the community built here in Cadillac?

I am so grateful I am not in a dating relationship or have any prospects because i am so confused right now about where i want to be.

God continually keeps reassuring me that with time he will reveal to me what he wants me to do. I am so confused, lost and frustrated and i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it. I just feel like everyone is so stuck on their own lives that they don't have the time or take the time to listen to how i'm truly doing. It happens i guess.

Life is confusing but i am loving it. God is so good and HE is who i run to. A few nights back i decided that although exhausted i needed a heart to heart with Jesus. I prayed for like two hours and just poured out myself to him and prayed for friends and family. God is so good.

WAITING

God has been teaching me to wait upon him. To be completely honest i am ready to be in a relationship but God has not placed that man into my life yet and it's something he is teaching me to be patient about. I try to remind him i've already waited for 25 years but that doesn't seem to change anything :0) Last night i was reading in my room and came to a realization. The realization was this: I am waiting for the man God is preparing me for but right now i AM in relationship with someone who loves me deeper and has committed to never let me go and his is PERFECT and my SAVIOR! I decided to start giving him the time i have put into waiting for that mystery man out there somewhere!

Well today at church we sang "Wait upon the Lord" and i just smiled as God gave me another reminder that HE is there while i wait :0) He is soooooooooo good. Well today i was looking up songs on waiting and i came across one from the movie Fireproof. It is a phenomenal movie and this song really spoke to me...or sang to me!

The lyrics are:
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Seriously to a tee my life right now. A overall theme of waiting on the LORD! I get chills listening to it. Here's the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFwZ7Ekg080&fmt=18

I woke up today with a joy that cannot be explained outside of JESUS. I have waves of loneliness but God has given me such a heart to serve until my next stage in my life. He is ALL I NEED :):):)

Strength will rise as we wait upon the LORD,
Kris

Jesus' birthday and LIFE

There are a jumbled mess of things going on in my mind so im gonna just blog about them all.

Jesus' birthday.
Conviction came on Sunday when i realized that i give little to no attention to my Savior on the day of his birth. The world recognizes this day as his birth and here i am his follower and getting lost in the worldly celebration. I came home and took down all the Christmas decoration and started my very own tradition. I decorated my living room like a birthday party and if invited to any holiday parties will bring birthday cake! Jesus will be celebrated the end.

Small group:
i am in a small group for 'singles' in their 20's. I love it. love it. love it. We have been studying what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. Last night we met for December and got into a heavy discussion about the cost of a discipleship. Someone mentioned how it's not hard to sacrifice when you know it's better for you and i argued that if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be a sacrifice. Then Ryan, our leader, asked me to share my story saying that it had a lot of sacrifice. Honestly I've never thought of my faith in Jesus as sacrifice but always looked at it as following Jesus because he fulfilled me in a way nothing else would. It's a new perspective for sure.

Interning professionally:
I love interning. Truly, it is the most humbling experience and i think my relationship with Jesus has never been better. I am ready for a real job with a paycheck that are a lot a lot bigger! For right me i am using each moment to learn more about the character of Jesus. Today i was cleaning yogurt off the ceiling (seriously, humbling) and thought "Jesus was the King of King and washed people's feet...he is so more awesome then I'll ever know"

I'll be home for Christmas...kinda
So plans for Christmas are finalizing. I will go home on Christmas Eve and then either Christmas Day or the 26th i'll drive six hours to my Grandma's new home in Columbus, Ohio and she's ordering pizza and enjoying time with everyone. Apparently she's over spending the day cooking a huge meal we really don't need. Can't blame her...bring on the chance. My dad is playing for a hotel room for us and taking us to this sled park in Columbus. Then i come home on the 27th and will be at camp the next day. We have retreats from the 28th - Jan. 3rd. School starts on Jan. 4th.
I thought they called it Christmas BREAK? Ha!

Pray for opportunities to share Jesus with my family. I want to share him with them but its a fine line between annoying them with my Jesus talks and sharing with them about my life. God is so good.

Friday is Follow the Star at camp. If you dont know it's a journey of Jesus' birth. From the prophesy to his birth. You walk from one end of the camp to the other to see it. I am so excited to finally be able to experience it. Usually I'm at school swamped with work during this time so it'll be nice to enjoy it.

Kris

I'm in love and i don't care you knows it...

So i am in love. Love is a word that is tossed around a lot and the meaning of the word is just as much. I love puppies but hate cats...that kinda stuff. But this is love, true love. Authentic love. It's for real. Before i get into the details that every girl wants to know like who, how we met, etc. Let me show i know i am in love.

Here are something I've been told that you KNOW you're in love:
-You can't stop smiling when you think about him
-You hear his name and have to smile
-You want to spend every waking moment with him
-He is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about when you go to bed.

I think it's safe to say that i am in love. We met when i was 13 but didn't truly understand his love until i gave up drinking and partying when i was 18. I was introduced by a friend. He patiently waited for me to try some other things first and then ran to his open arms. He loves me. The thing about this love is that i want to share his love with others.

Now before you freak out, i am in love with JESUS. Stop shaking your head and think about it. Jesus should be our first love. We should love him more than that cute guy in your class or at work. I cannot stop smiling when i hear his name and when i wake up in the morning i start it with prayer and exclaiming how much i love him. We should love him passionately.

I hope that today you see how much love he has given and his love is a gift that keeps on giving. Show the love of Jesus everyday.

I love him. He is all i need.
Kris

P.S. single hood isn't a disease...just so you know!

i surrender ALL...

SO time for an update on here. I'm not sure anyone even reads this but i like getting it down anyway! I could just forfeit the online journal and stick to my personal journal but i like doing so...I'm a-gonna :)

After many tears and prayers God delivered me from my emotions and feelings and i can honestly say i am finally over that hurdle. I won't say what the hurdle was (that is what the personal journal is actually for) but i will say that i was an emotional wreck for quite some time. I am not regretful of the situation because God taught me so much about myself and more importantly about HIS character through the situation. I can honestly say i have surrendered it to God and the feelings and emotions that were once so closely connected to said hurdle are gone. This is relieving and amazing. I have told a few friends before that i was "over it" and they and i both knew i wasn't but this time i truly, truly am. I know not that what i desired so badly was not what God had in store for me and looking back i am amazed that i ever was like that. A little bit ashamed but stronger for the experience.

I am so blessed right now. I am still broken at the foot of the cross. I am full of a joy that i haven't felt since i first abandoned a life of selfishness and let GOD take over my entire life. It's a joy that is full of brokenness. There is a just a point that you get so broken that you cannot do anything but follow Jesus and there is just immense joy in that. I know it's sound incredibly backward to be so joyful and broken but that's the beauty of grace. You truly don't appreciate grace until you are a place where you need it and see how beautiful it truly is. I am constantly in awe of our creator. It's so hard not to be. He is the creator of the universe and he still cares for a girl who is constantly messing in the same cycle she's done for the last four or five years. Each day is truly a gift and i was taking that for granted, like i always do. I believe in the beauty in the small things. Each day is one to bring the King of king glory and honor for who he is and what he's done. I was praying one day and came to the realization that i used the phrase "I'm giving it to you" but don't actually believe it. I would give it to him and then a few minutes later ask how that situation is going. Let go of it and LET GOD.

Seriously, though i feel so blessed and loved. Living alone is not as hard as i thought it would be. I am getting to know people my own age thanks to my church. I am learning the ropes of education with each passing day. I am learning to take everything one day at a time and to FULLY trust God with everything.

That's my life.
Thanks for reading...

update on me!

I have many things to update on. I have been learning oh so much lately. I don't know why but whenever i am at camp i don't only hear from God but i feel like he's in a loud and booming voice and the minute i go home or away and it's a faint whisper and i need to search him out. I love it here.

God is teaching me to let go. There is something i was sure i was ready for in my life and God told me no for a few months and i constantly was trying to prove how i could handle it. Eventually i gave in to his answer and am seeing how weak without him. Although this thing felt so right i was told no and i have to let it go and move on. As soon as i gave it up i was convicted of the men in my life and how i act around them and set up boundries for my emotions and for appearances of evil. So, if you are a close male friend in my life and it seems like i'm pulling away or acting strange it's because i am. I'm guarding myself and serving my husband. God and i spent a few nights chatting and diving into his words about pure living and being a light of his. My husband deserves all of my heart, whenever/if ever i meet him, i don't want to give him whatever is left of my heart. It's something i feel very strongly about. And so does Jesus.

I am being called to be a SMT Coordinator once again. I remember telling God that i would do anything at camp but i didn't feel comfortable working with high schoolers. Even as a counselor i volunteered for specialty camps senior high week. Well two years ago i volunteered *sign?* to help D Wag with the program and then when he got sick and hospitalized it feel upon my lap and last year Mike and I headed it up together. God is hilarious with my comfort zone. Well he recently told me he wants me to return and i told him that i will go where he calls and that i will trust him to bring the person to help with the program. (having talked to Mike who said he was done with camp) Then this weekend Mike told me during the meeting -where i got caught for talking- that he was going to come back for the summer. God is so good.

Okay so to the teaching thing. On Friday i said goodbye to my second grade class and it was a bit sad but a part of me was ready to move on. Today with great excitement and equally nervousness: I walked into a elementary special edu room. I have to tell you i absolutely loved every minutes of it. If that isn't a sign that it's what i was put on this earth to do...i don't know what is. I light up when working with a struggling student. I love hearing them reading and helping them out. I love it, love it, LOVE IT! Not to say i didn't like my second grade room but this is what i've studied for the last four years and what my passion lies. I seriously loved it. I got to go into a few classrooms to help out during reading times or those who missed their recess to do their missing work. I love that too. Oh and my teacher is amazing. He is laid back and so much fun. He plays with the kids and they respect him so much. We are planning on sledding party for my goodbye party and the kids have to earn it by learning 12-13 spelling lists which is part of their goals for the year. The kids were so psyched about it and it'll be great to have them out at camp experiencing the tubing hill :0)

How's that for an update?

small group

I am in a small group and i'll have to say it's nice to be in a group of people my age. I think only one of the group members is in college...everyone else is a graduate and is working or trying to figure out the next step. Yep, that's right everything isn't figured out just because you walk across that stage and accept that particular finish line. Anyways so i really prayed if this was something i was supposed to do and not something to do because i want to know people my age. There's nothing wrong with knowing people in the same place in life i am but i wanted it to God's direction in my life. I signed up and told D-Wag the minute people start paring off, I'm out! We were assured that isn't one of "those" single groups...but a group of singles wanting to learn how to serve God as a single. So, anyways we were studying discipleship and came to a perplexing verse and discussed it at length..the best we can.

I am for sure no biblical scholar but here is my interpretation of what Jesus is saying here.
Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."

We discussed the harsh language and how confusing it seems knowing that Jesus is a loving God. He IS love and yet tells us to hate our family. It seems crazy, right? well first of all who said Jesus wasn't a little bit crazy? Seriously, look at this guy! Here are my thoughts on the verses and i'm going to continue to dig into it deeper. My inital thought when reading the verse was that Jesus wants the real you. He doens't want someone coming up saying, "Yeah. I love everyone." That's not real: nobody loves everyone...we are sinners. We fight with our family, we get angry. It's who we are. Then after discussing it further i came to another realization. You have to look at the audience that Jesus is talking to. Back then dropping your job and following some crazed Messiah wasn't just giving up a paycheck and stability. Back then your family defined what you did. If you were a fisherman it wasn't because you loved to do it as a boy and decided to pursue it, it was because your dad was a fisherman and your grandfather, your great-grandfather, etc. It was what your family did and you were the one who followed what they did. To give up your job was to say to your family i dont care about genealogy or family importance i'm giving it all up to follow this guy named Jesus basicly because he asked me to follow him.

I still want to look into this verse deeper. These are my thoughts. Also i was talking about how some of my family thinks i've joined a cult and we discussed how the root of cult comes from culture and how Christianity is a counter-culture thing. So i am a proud member or a counter-culture cult :0)

ding dong the car is dead...

So my chapter of my first car has offically ended. We had quite the adventure together. The irony of it was that at church today we were talking about how rich America is compared to the rest of the world and i was amazed at the statistic that there are only 8% of people in the world who own a car. Little did i know that less than an hour later i would join the 92% who didn't. Even though this is sad i am so grateful to not be hurt and when Duane picked me up he says "you got a good story" and it's so true. She was a drama queen my Lilly, my first car.

I got to church and my car was acting funny...driving a little warm but that's nothing new. This week each day something else went wrong.
Monday: left turning signal went out
Tuesday: interior lights and "door ajar" would stay on until a mile down the road
Wednesday: gages would jump while driving
Thursday: going through gas more severely than usual
Friday: radio was going in and out

So it was acting funny and that's how she was...she was temperamental and moody. She was after all my drama queen car! *keep in mind this all happened within a minute but seemed like an hour* So after church i was driving down mackinaw trail and she started shaking violently. She usually shakes if driven above 70 MPH but this was the whole thing and worse then ever before, nothing like i've ever experienced! Then there entire car was a huge cloud of smoke...i couldn't tell where it was coming from. I started to pull over and as i got just off the road she died. I parked it and turned it off and got out of the car. I grabbed my cell phone and threw it in my pocket. Praising God at the last minute i grabbed it before heading out the door. I then popped the hood to get a look to where the smoke was coming. It was everywhere and then i saw a bunch of smoke come from underneath the car. I looked and there was this huge flame just behind the tire. I took a deep breathe and praise God again that i had an "emergency 2 liter of water" in my car. I took it out and put the flame out. I took out my phone and called Duane to come and pick me up.

I texted my mom, "Car is R.I.P. I'll call you when i get back". This car has been a religious experience. I've prayed more in this car than anywhere else. Every time it started was a miracle that i had another day as a driver. Today God spared me...it sucks but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE. Seriously. It was a nice adventure that Lilly and i had. My mom feels terrible that i put so much money into something so not worth it. However how on earth would she have know? It's a good story...

So now i'm back to borrowing cars and being blessed by how amazing the friends God placed in my life. So if you have anyone who wants to get rid of a car :) or a cheap car that i can afford in like five years...:)! Above all i need prayers. God has this situation under control...completely!