another slice of humble pie (another one bites the dust)

It has become apparent to me that for whatever reason this is the place God wants me for awhile. Not to say that I don't fully trust God but sometimes i wonder why he had to pluck me out of the only Christian community i've known and fallen in love with. However I know that God is GOD and knows how to run my life a lot better than I.

I went to the DMV to take the written test to get my Ohio license...easy enough, right? WRONG! I failed the test. It has been ten years since I had taken a written driving test. I drive out of experience and not out of a list of rules I memorized. However here's the kicker I did not fail because I didn't know how to merge into on coming traffic or know what a yeilding sign looks like. That would be one thing but i failed because of my lack of knowledge of drugs and alcohol usage while behind the wheel? Seriously? I thought this was a good thing. I don't know how many hours you spend in jail after driving intoxicated because I tend to just avoid that instance altogether. I also don't know how many days in jail you spent if they find a used needle in your car. I never thought i'd ever need to know these things. Life is funny and sad at the same time.

I am re taking said test on Saturday. They gave me a booklet to review until then. I feel like i'm back in Drivers Ed all over again. This is insane really. The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine you walked into your ten year high school anniversary. You walk in and they give you a number two pencil and tell you to have a seat because you have to take an exam to prove you earned your high school diploma. They assure you that your diploma cannot be taken away but they would like to see if you are still capable of having your diploma. So you sit down and take the test and most of the questions are things that you do so naturally that you don't know how or why you do them. This is what it felt like. I know how to drive i've been doing so for ten years and have never been pulled over, or even gotten into an accident.

Since August God has provided me a few moments in which i call "slice of humble pie" moments. These are times that I need a good 'ol humility lesson. To be honest I'm ready to start eating something other than humble pie but since I am not the master chef I will eat what is put out in front of me. He knows how much pie I need and although I think i've had my fill, I will continue to praise him through it all.

He is my everything. My only thing.

Bring on the pie.
Kris :)

transitions and blessings overflowing

God has done a number in my life. Recently I have been reflecting over where God has taken me and the decisions i have made time and again to drop everything and follow him. In the last two years I have declined a job teaching in Honduras (which was MY dream and not His will), moved to Grand Rapids with friends and work in daycare centers- a room of toddlers is not my ideal job-, and then move away from everyone i know and love and reconnect with my family in Ohio. It has been a crazy road but God is proving how much he truly loves me. Not that i doubt his love but sometimes I wonder if he got distracted and forgot about my needs. It's ridiculous to think that but I am human and I do worry.

Right now I am acting as a housewife but i call it house-daughter. I have a part time job ***more of that later*** and during the day I take care of the house ie. laundry, dishes, cleaning areas of the house, and cooking dinner and take care of the family dog. Twice and week and every other weekend I pick up and drop off my little brother at his mom's home. It scares me how much I actually enjoy doing this. I love my family and love to sit down as a family (even if that is only my dad and me) at dinner and have conversations about the day, beliefs, whatever. I never pictured myself as a "house wife" but could see it happen someday. Never thought i'd ever say that. I also find it hilarious how attached I am getting to the family dog. She is a family member for sure. I have always loved dogs but she is the last dog i would have ever picked given a choice. She is half Pomeranian and half Poodle. She's a girlie dog and it took some time but she has grown on me.

Okay so the job. I am the Director of Christian Education and Youth at a Lutheran church. Its a long title but basically I oversee all teachings and curriculum in the church and am an active leader in the youth. I organize things like youth services, youth outings, membership classes, baptism classes, and the Christmas pageant. This is a part time and primarily I am only at the church on Wednesday nights and Sundays mornings. I have met with the pastor a few times and he has a great sense of humor and is so helpful while I'm transiting into this position. I have met a few of the junior highers on Wednesday night. I look forward to what God has. This job is a blessing. Not only is in Education but it's a ministry that I am getting paid for. It's not much but it is sufficient enough to pay my monthly bills and that is all i need.

I know this is long so if you skipped to the end here are the highlights I got a job and I'm married!

Much love and prayers for you,
Kris

my thoughts on Polygamy!

For me polygamy has always been a joke. Not the lifestyle but just a blonde joke. When i was in high school there was a blonde sitting next to me in history class reading and she leans over to me and says "Why is there math in here? Why are they talking about poly-gamy? Is that like a octogon?" Yeah, that happened.

I tend to think that I am an open minded person. I've seen shows about the towns of polygamist families who dress like Amish and have teen brides. However lately i've started exploring a show on TLC called "Sister Wives". It's a very intriguing show I must admit. I think that like most 'alternative lifestyles' we should treat them as people and as God's creations. They need to see that their are people to love them even if they do not believe their lifestyle. They don't need people to criticize, or judge. They need love which is ironic since these people are all about love!

This is no way of saying that I am interested in polygamy. I struggle with sharing my food; so there is no way I would ever be able to share a husband. I've never been in a committed relationship but I do know that I wouldn't ever want another woman stealing his attention and especially not having their children. This is not me judging their lifestyle but stating my opinion.

Interesting: There was a point in the show when Meri "the first wife" was dealing with jealous as Kody (the lucky guy with four wives) was planning the wedding for his fourth wife. She told him that he should picture her being around another man and that man getting ready to move in with them. Kody became disgusted with the thought of another man in their world and he even stated that he would not be able to work with that. I found this very interesting.

:) My thoughts/ ramblings!
Kris

unemployment

Unemployment

I have been unemployed since August 5. This is the longest I have gone without a job since I was sixteen years old. I have had one interview so far. To be honest this whole experience has been a thanksgiving meal of humble pie. I knew that moving here would not be easy and that I would learn a huge lesson in depending on someone other than myself.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to get a job. I have applied to so many jobs that I have memorized my references and the important information. I have spent the last month working off my last paycheck. The only expenses have been to pitch in with groceries and gas here and there.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep. Also I am so stressed out about upcoming bills that I have knots in my stomach. I know what the bible says about worrying but since I have no life I tend to just sit around thinking about the thing I shouldn’t be worrying about. Also, not having a car to get away makes it quite difficult.

I found some quotes about unemployment:
**It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. -Harry S Truman **
**A man willing to work, and unable to find work, is perhaps the saddest sight that fortune's inequality exhibits under this sun. -Thomas Carlyle**

There are many who enjoy being unemployed. I am not one of these people. I have always worked in order to contribute. When I lived in GR I was unemployed for a month and I thought I’d lose my mind. I think the most difficult part is not having a community of believers. Yes, I’ve met a few people here and there but no community. Not like when I lived in Michigan and had a community at school, camp, and when I lived in Grand Rapids. It will take time to get a community here and I believe that God has control of my life.

farwell Michigan

It feels like only yesterday I was praying about what God wanted me to do and where he wanted me. Michigan or Ohio? When should I stop working at my current job?

Here I am on the morning of my move. I cannot wait to start my new chapter. The chapter of living with dad and being closer to my family. However right now I'd like to reflect on the amazing things I have learned and gone through this year. This has been a year full of tears, laughter, late nights and long eight hour shift. A year of new relationship, working through some relationships and ending some relationships which needed it. I have learned more in this year alone than many others combined. This year has been phenomenal, dramatic, confusing and above all such a fantastic learning experience. I am so grateful for the last year of my life.

God has taught me so much and I pray everyday that I can use this knowledge to help my future relationships (whether friendship or otherwise). He has taught me about the importance of relationships with women and how to guard my heart with my friendships with men. He has taught me to see the light in every darkened room. He has been there through all of the fantastic days of running around town with friends and has been there when I come home in tears because of something my boss said or because of my class being crazy.

He is so good.
He's so good to me.

Kris

Two Week Notice

My life changes so fast and it's something i've come accustomed to however not everyone is used to this. My life is crazy and that's fine. So my car died and not just wouldn't start but died died. So this means that I have to bum rides to work for awhile. This helped shape my decision and prayers to know when i would be done at work. I will be moving to Ohio on August 5th. Not on the 31st like previously planned. This is a bit earlier but the good news is that I will be back on the third weekend of August to celebrate the marriage of Nick and Laura. (for those who don't know Laura was my freshmen roommate) :D.

So I have two weeks to finish up work, pack everything and spend some time with those I love so much. I am so excited and yet know how much I will miss everyone.

My life is so crazy but I love it.

Tomboy trapped in a girl's body?

I am a tomboy through and through. I eat steak, love comedy and action movies, and enjoy watching tv shows such as "Deadliest Catch". I enjoy the company of guys not because I want to flirt but because they are who I relate to the most. For the most part I usually feel like one of the guys. There are times that something happens that catches me by surprise.

I was called cute but a close guy friend. He didn't go out of his way to say that he thought I was cute but told a friend that he was going to a movie with a girl who was cute. It was in no way a date. Just a movie with a close friend. Still no one has ever called me cute, especially not with me in ear shot. I didn't get girlie and get butterflies in my stomach or start blushing but it was nice to hear and it definitely brought a smile to my face.

I'm a girl in the way that i love compliment. That will never change. Sometimes being a girl isn't as scary as most tomboys think. Am a girl trapped in a tomboy's body OR a tomboy trapped in a girl's body?!?

My life is crazy!

Alright so my life has been so crazy lately. My mom and dad are not only dating after almost 20 years divorced but yesterday my mom moved in with him. This is beyond exciting and mind blowing. God has been so good to our family. Our family was pretty much torn apart healed individually and then put back together. I am so excited to have the chance the live with both parents. This hasn't happened since i was 8 and it will so different being an adult verses being a child. I can appreciate things that I never had the opportunity or knowledge to appreciate before. Almost like catching up for lost time but with wisdom. I haven't lived with a parent since i was in high school. That is gaining on ten years. I am so excited to see what God has in store for our family and to see what he is going to do in the next year.

For now though my goal is to not check out. I still have a few months to be with my friends and the girls at work. My job here is not yet done (not meaning that in a literal sense).

its so true

Today at church we sang a song i have sung a thousand times but this time it meant more to me than ever before.

God is so good, He's so good to me.
He answers prayers, He answers prayers,
God is so good, He's so good to me.

Saying he is so good doesn't do it justice but he is SO GOOD. So many great things are happening in my life and so many prayers are being answered. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Im going home...

Yesterday marked three weeks from my fast on my tv shows. I chose t.v. because it was part of my routine and knew that sacrificing that would give me the chance to really think about the decision before me. If you are wondering the decision was to move in with my dad in Ohio. I moved here when I was 13 and since then my heart has ached to be closer to my family. I has been difficult and challenging to be away from them. God has restored and built my relationship with my father. He offered me a room in his home and told me to truly think about it because it would rent-free and the ability to save money to pay back Spring Arbor. This was very appealing to me. Not to mention open a door to really continue to build on that relationship. I truly prayed about the situation, especially in the three weeks I gave up watching my tv shows. I truly believe that this is the best move for me.

So here I am looking at making a big move...AGAIN. Unlike in the last few years though this means that I will have to leave all of my friends and move back to where my crazy life all started :D. This may be difficult and possibly strain a few friendships but I feel that God is calling me to go home to my family.

I am at a very good place right now. My life is fantastic right now and I am loving every minute of it.

re-birth-day

My birthday is very special to me. Not only because my friends stop what they are doing and wish me a happy birthday and buy me gifts (which i'd be happy with the greeting and quality time). My birthday is special because it was the day that God changed my life.

Flashback:
The year was 2002 and i was turning 18. I had been attending church and was a "christian" since 13. This meant that I did whatever i wanted and then on Sunday put on my best smile and recited verses and talked about how wonderful Jesus was and how much I need him. However things changed when the summer before my birthday a youth pastor who just recently graduated from Pensecola challenged me to pause once a day and read my bible. I did it faithfully since. Which brings you to my birthday. A very drunk Kris laid on her bed and opened the bible out of habit. I stopped and said to myself, "this isn't right" it just isn't right. I heard this voice whisper "You can't have both lives. It's yours or mine". Right then and there i decided to give my life truly to God and live for him no matter the cost. I had no idea what that meant and certainly had never seen it but I made my decision. I wrote down on a peice of paper to write an excuse list and passed out. The next day i sat my mom down and explained that i was no longer going to live the partying lifestyle and that I needed her to lie to my friends. Even as a very young Chistian i knew that telling my friends i could no longer be around them because i was now a Christian was a terrible witness to them. I knew Jesus would want better. If you know me you know I am an honest person, so my mom lied every weekend. Now, if you are wondering why i had to sacrifice my friendships that's a great thing to wonder. My friends and I were not people who would drink because it was a birthday or graudation. We drank every weekend and soon it was nearly every night. We didn't have anything to celebrate other than loving to drink. So saying that I wasn't going to drink was like saying I didn't want anything to do with them.

Through the power of Christ and HIM alone I quit drinking and smoking. I have not since my 18th birthday, Feb. 19th, 2002 touched a cigerette and the first time I picked up a drink was on my 21st birthday or shortly afterward. I picked up a strawberry daquari and said "this tastes funny" and wasn't a fan. THAT IS THE POWER OF JESUS. Only he would make something once so delicious not as desirable.

All this background to say that i love my birthday. It's a day for me to remember that Jesus gave me 18 years and I controlled it and failed EPICLY. Then I gave him control and he is doing a much better job if i may so say myself. So tomorrow is not just the day that Kris Locker came into the world but it's also marks the day that Jesus called me out and pulled me out of my own way to bring HIM glory.

He had done so much in the last nine years. He has brought wonderful people in my life, taken some amazing people from me to be with him for eternity, asked me to walk away from other wonderful friends, and picked me up several times after being hurt and dissapointed. He also healed my heart and reunited me with my father. A relationship i shall never regret.

GOD IS GOOD. HE WILL BE PRAISED.
So if you think of me on my birthday praise God for my birthday. And for kicks wish me a happy re-birth-day. I know it sounds cheesy but hey that is me in a nutshell.
not a literal one cause i'm afraid of enclosed places.

love, Kris!

SURPRISE!

So this week was an awful and long week at work. Then on Saturday i picked up an extra shift for babysitting and that was fine. However on the way home my car pretty close to died. Let me just say i wasn't in the best of moods. I called my mom and Alissa crying about how much my life sucks and they calmed me down. I was supposed to go to Alissa's to check out her new place and part of me didn't even want to do that. Well i got there and something was off. I kept seeing familiar cars and there were a lot of shoes by the front door. I walked in the living room and SURPRISE!!!! It was full of about 20 of my closest friends and my family! I was so overwhelmed I started crying. The first person i saw was Brijette so i hugged her and then didn't know what to do so i hugged her again. I made it to my mom and made her cry, then hugged my brother and excused myself out of the room to find a kleenex. It mean more to me than words could possibly describe. We had pizza, cake/ brownies (and they were Kris Locker friendly too!!!) and played games. Each one took the time to stop and talk to me. They made me laugh and remember that there are people in my life who love me and make me feel appreciated. I have not felt appreciated or loved this past week and it was a great reminder. Throughout the night i was constantly reminded of how blessed I am. I have a family who will travel almost two hours to celebrate my birthday with my crazy friends. Friends who will make plans and drop what they are doing to spend time with me. I also have people in my life who will stop whatever they are doing and make me laugh. There was much laughing and that is a remedy that was needed.

It was a great night. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the people in my life. I am stupid blessed right now. Yep, stupid blessed.

careers

The past month has been a blur. I feel as though all i do is work all week and occasionally on the weekend after much sleep visit friends. I love what i do however who i work for has become draining and overwhelming. The company itself isn't bad but most days i feel as though they are just waiting for me to do something wrong that they can jump on me for. No one around me is happy and i feel stressed all the time. I don't make enough to pay all of my bills, my car is guzzling gas like a college frat boy at a party. All in all I haven't slept well which makes me even more exhausted and grumpy. Don't get me wrong God is amazing and has blessed my life. Don't read this thinking this is a pity party for Kris because i don't do that. I stick through things and look for opportunities. I'm simply venting on my blog, which let's be honest, i'm not all that certain a whole lot of people read! I really don't care to be honest (again) because writing is a destressor of mine.

So last Sunday something amazing happened. For the first time since August i went to church alone. I usually go with my roommate but she was singing in the service and i had no idea where she was sitting so i found a seat in the back and sat there. I became so overwhelmed with life during the worship time that i stopped singing. Partly because i was chocking back the "I know I should trust you tears" and partly because I could feel God wanted a moment with me. Right then and there he told me that he had this situation under control and that I needed to talk to Alissa. I took in a deep breathe and began to sing once again. The sermon talked about guarding your heart and how you need to give your best energy. He said at one point that you need to choose who gets your best energy because if you don't someone will choose for you. This was something I prayed about all week and work got it everyday this week. It's something to work on because my friends and family deserve more of my energy then i have given them lately.

So back to God telling me to call Alissa. I love her with all my heart but my first thought was that she was going to be busy and that i would at least leave her a voicemail. Sunday is a busy day for most of my friends. Well God is in control and not me so i called her on my way home from church and she picked up to my surprise. I told her about worship and my discontented heart and my job. I asked her to be in prayer with me about this. She prayed over me on the phone about looking at my job as a ministry and seeking other opportunities. On Monday i recieved a text that there was an opening someone and i am seeking God's decision for that job.

All that to say: GOD BE PRAISED. He leads and i follow. I don't hesitate or think about it. I just do it. He is far better at running my life than i am. I know i've tried. This week was a long week at work. The kids were awful and there were a lot of staff changes and such. However God got me through it. I prayed a lot, cried a lot, and read his word a lot. I also encouraged co-workers, made them laugh and smile when they needed it the most, and even read my bible during my break which started up some conversations. God is good and if that's what i needed to learn through this experience then it was totally worth it.

Long winded and tired,
Kris :D

Loneliness, The internet, and Fasting!

For the last few weeks the pastor at Frontline has started a series on Temptation. It is on the temptations of Jesus in the desert and what is at the heart of them. We focus on "Pausing" situations on life and sitting back and looking and seeing what needs to be done. The last sermon was about things getting in the way of your relationship with Jesus. The temptation was entitled "an acceptable need fulfilled in an unexceptable way". We were sent out of the church with the challenge of finding something that is getting in the way of your relationship with God and sacrifice it for a something greater later! I was convicted of my internet usage as a of way of dealing with loneliness. When i feel lonely or just bored I have a tendency to get online and try to fulfill the need to be with friends or family. I need to run to Jesus first and that is what I worked on this week.

I never not once missed the internet. I read books, rested, and spent quality time with my Savior. It was a great experience and I think i have the idea of how to use the internet for appropriate usage and still put Jesus first in my life. Jesus has been working on me and my loneliness issues as of late. I am independent and i love being on my own and doing my own thing. There are times that I wonder if one day there will be more. As of right now I love my time with Jesus and allowing him to teach me all the things he is. He has taught me a ton this year and i cannot wait to see what he has in store for me. I have no idea if i'll ever get married or even go on another date but right now I'm focusing on my Jesus.