things are better...

It seems to be lately that when i see those closest to me doing well i feel better. Not to say that my happiness comes from other people but it makes me feel better. Like i look past myself, cause it's not all about me, and be joyous for what God is doing in other people's lives. I like this, a lot.

Things for me are looking up. I met with my professor and never actually discussed my assignment but literally talked about the story of my life. Which is funny since one of my most said lines is "story of my life"...she wanted to know me and where i came from, why i choose Special Education, where i was going from SAU, etc. We are meeting again this next week, so we'll see. She was extremely encouraging and that really helped.

I am learning a lot from God lately. I have been reading through Hebrews and he is teaching me so many things, i thought i knew before but now in the tirals i'm going through mean so much more. He is so good.

I'm going to leave you with a song that God always brings to me when i'm going through a hard time....
Kris

----------------------------------------
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
(REPEAT)

Just what the doctor ordered...

I am so glad i got to go to camp this weekend. It was just the break i wanted and needed. It was a chance to be at one of my favorite places on earth, around a few of my favorite people on earth and just to relax. Now i didn't sleep the whole time, in fact i'm sure this is the shortest amount of sleep i'd gotten all semester but i loved it. I got to be at something i didn't have to plan or run...and that doens't happen at school. Pretty much everything is a meeting i host, a bible study i run or an event i either run or am running with two others. It was nice to help out and not have to do all the work. On Friday i got to do one of my all-time favorite things at camp: star gaze on the soccer field and i saw THREE shooting stars. Which is amazing because usually i can never see them. Wookie and i went and just looked at the stars and talked. As crazy as it sounds it's been a while since we've had one of our chats like that.

This weekend i laughed and laughed. Which i'm learning is extremely good for you :0) Also although i'm not sure how much the boys appreciated it i got a guest cabin to myself. Although it was slightly creepy because it was really quiet, i loved it. I loved just getting some me time in before calling it a day and taking as much time as i needed in the morning was fantastic! This weekend was great, a way to recharge and renew. However it also made me want to be there so badly, i'd give anything to just fast forward and be at camp however i have much to do until then and will focus on that. Yea, for almost being done here! Double yea!

Jesus is good and has a reason and purpose to show me in my last four weeks at SAU, I'm ready to learn and see what HE wants me to.

a new perspective...

This weekend was pretty huge for me. I went home for the first time since Christmas and for the first time in a LONG time i was genuinely excited about going home. This didn't occur over night but over time. It started because i was in Mexico praying about being a missionary down the road and how i wanted a close family and how it broke my heart not to have one. When i got back to school i intentionally called my family just because and i could see how it affected them and they appreciated it. Before i left i prayed about how inadequate i felt being called into missions when i had such a rough upbringing. God called me out and said not only was my family my mission field but they were the stepping stone to those I'd minister to later on in life.

Going home with the mindset that it was where God wanted me to be and that each moment was precious and could eternal rewards was just what i needed. I came with the heart to serve, an ear to listen, and a spirit willing for anything. I left my "woe is me attitude" and it was great. I had meaningful conversations and told my family how much they mean to me. I even got a chance to catch up with an old high school friend who has made some decisions i don't agree with but could share my faith and how that influences things such as choices about sex, education and the future. I never shoved my beliefs on anyone but just gave my point of view.

my "WOAH" moment with God

So many of you know the story of my home life but if you don't I'll lay it out for you:

I am from a shattered home. It's not broken because it's so far gone and past that. My mom currently lives with her boyfriend who blantly hates me and lets everyone know it. My brother and his girlfriend and their three kids live in a two bedroom trailer with my sister and her 3 year old. We all went to church together when i was in junior high. Unfortunately our family has been through a lot and i was the only stubborn one to see it through. I decided to grab a hold of God and everyone else decided to pack it up and run from God.

So during spring break i was sitting in Mexico people watching to discover that they had something i didn't- a close family unit. I want that so badly. All i wanted to do was to go home and serve my family. To serve them with no questions asked because it's what i love to do. So i decided that for Easter break i was not going to sit in my apartment and catch up on homework or get a head start on final projects but i would go home. My mom was thrilled at the news and supprisingly my brother even offered to pick me up, surprising because usually his response is to ask if i can pitch in for gas which i never mind doing. He's just so excited that i'm coming home i guess. Well for the last few Sundays God has been breaking my heart for my family.

In church i was talking to God before partaking in communion. We had the following conversation, this is the Kris Locker version of course!

He was breaking me for my family and i asked, "God how can you expect me to minister to people in other countries if i cannot even shed light to my family" and God in his strong and loving voice said, "Seriously Kris? Let me ask you this: what is a missions field?" I answered "Somewhere that needs the saving message of Christ. WOAH." God replied "Yep, you finally are getting it" I started to cry and said "You mean my missions field IS home? All this time i've wondered if i wanted to go into missions and there it was right in front of me. I think this is the one time when the missionary actually started going to chruch as the same time as those in their mission field"

So although it's something I've known, it was revealed to me again. My family is my mission field. I have invested in their lives and love them so deeply. They will always be my mission field regardless of where i am or what i'm doing. I have a tie to them and will continue to serve them and be their light until the day they too hear from God and decide to listen.

we serve such an amazing God!