Kris Locker

new person

2012-01-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

This morning I found myself thinking like a parent. I was in a planning meeting for work and was scheduling around when my brother would get out of school, or his cub scout meetings, etc. When did that happen? It truly feels like yesterday I was working at a job i hated and that stressed me out and was running around with my 20-ish aged friends, driving to Flint and getting back way too late, walking around downtown GR or taking a road trip to Chicago to visit Heidi and then off to see my fave asian girl :) Now here I am cleaning the house, cooking dinner and making sure homework is done before dinner. Who have i become? I'm not saying that I don't love my new life, I actually do and i think that is scarier than not loving it. What i didn't love was my full time job with the pile of bills.

I never thought i would be the girl who dreamed of being a housewife but truly that would be okay with me. I work at a job that I love more than anything. It provides me with a comfortable paycheck. I have two guys who love me very much and are very supportive...my dad and brother and they are so awesome. I have a job that sends me to camp during the summer to be a youth pastor and hang out with the kids. I get to plan, organize, teach and be around children of all ages. Did i mention that i love my job? I haven't loved anything this much since i was student teaching in the special education classroom. I sometimes wonder if i'll ever teach and to be honest even if i don't i know that what i went through during my college years will have prepared me for life now.

I have to say that although it seems like i have gained a lot more responsibility that I have never been more self seeking than this year. It's always been about my family, my friends, my classes, my jobs and my bills before. Did you catch all of the "my's" in there? Yeah, so did this girl. I am not so me focused. I use the money God has given me to contribute as a team in this household. I know that when i came here it was with the intent to save up and pay off my school bill but i have gained so much more in learning to stop thinking about me and thinking more community. God will use that to bless some guy one day.

God is good and he takes my breath away every day just to think about where he has taken me from that confused and scare girls back in August who climbed in a car headed back to Ohio to live with her dad while unemployed, single and leaving all of her friends behind in Michigan...and he shall be praised.

Love you & asking for continued prayers,
Kris

another slice of humble pie (another one bites the dust)

2011-11-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

It has become apparent to me that for whatever reason this is the place God wants me for awhile. Not to say that I don't fully trust God but sometimes i wonder why he had to pluck me out of the only Christian community i've known and fallen in love with. However I know that God is GOD and knows how to run my life a lot better than I.

I went to the DMV to take the written test to get my Ohio license...easy enough, right? WRONG! I failed the test. It has been ten years since I had taken a written driving test. I drive out of experience and not out of a list of rules I memorized. However here's the kicker I did not fail because I didn't know how to merge into on coming traffic or know what a yeilding sign looks like. That would be one thing but i failed because of my lack of knowledge of drugs and alcohol usage while behind the wheel? Seriously? I thought this was a good thing. I don't know how many hours you spend in jail after driving intoxicated because I tend to just avoid that instance altogether. I also don't know how many days in jail you spent if they find a used needle in your car. I never thought i'd ever need to know these things. Life is funny and sad at the same time.

I am re taking said test on Saturday. They gave me a booklet to review until then. I feel like i'm back in Drivers Ed all over again. This is insane really. The best way I can describe it is this: Imagine you walked into your ten year high school anniversary. You walk in and they give you a number two pencil and tell you to have a seat because you have to take an exam to prove you earned your high school diploma. They assure you that your diploma cannot be taken away but they would like to see if you are still capable of having your diploma. So you sit down and take the test and most of the questions are things that you do so naturally that you don't know how or why you do them. This is what it felt like. I know how to drive i've been doing so for ten years and have never been pulled over, or even gotten into an accident.

Since August God has provided me a few moments in which i call "slice of humble pie" moments. These are times that I need a good 'ol humility lesson. To be honest I'm ready to start eating something other than humble pie but since I am not the master chef I will eat what is put out in front of me. He knows how much pie I need and although I think i've had my fill, I will continue to praise him through it all.

He is my everything. My only thing.

Bring on the pie.
Kris :)

transitions and blessings overflowing

2011-10-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

God has done a number in my life. Recently I have been reflecting over where God has taken me and the decisions i have made time and again to drop everything and follow him. In the last two years I have declined a job teaching in Honduras (which was MY dream and not His will), moved to Grand Rapids with friends and work in daycare centers- a room of toddlers is not my ideal job-, and then move away from everyone i know and love and reconnect with my family in Ohio. It has been a crazy road but God is proving how much he truly loves me. Not that i doubt his love but sometimes I wonder if he got distracted and forgot about my needs. It's ridiculous to think that but I am human and I do worry.

Right now I am acting as a housewife but i call it house-daughter. I have a part time job ***more of that later*** and during the day I take care of the house ie. laundry, dishes, cleaning areas of the house, and cooking dinner and take care of the family dog. Twice and week and every other weekend I pick up and drop off my little brother at his mom's home. It scares me how much I actually enjoy doing this. I love my family and love to sit down as a family (even if that is only my dad and me) at dinner and have conversations about the day, beliefs, whatever. I never pictured myself as a "house wife" but could see it happen someday. Never thought i'd ever say that. I also find it hilarious how attached I am getting to the family dog. She is a family member for sure. I have always loved dogs but she is the last dog i would have ever picked given a choice. She is half Pomeranian and half Poodle. She's a girlie dog and it took some time but she has grown on me.

Okay so the job. I am the Director of Christian Education and Youth at a Lutheran church. Its a long title but basically I oversee all teachings and curriculum in the church and am an active leader in the youth. I organize things like youth services, youth outings, membership classes, baptism classes, and the Christmas pageant. This is a part time and primarily I am only at the church on Wednesday nights and Sundays mornings. I have met with the pastor a few times and he has a great sense of humor and is so helpful while I'm transiting into this position. I have met a few of the junior highers on Wednesday night. I look forward to what God has. This job is a blessing. Not only is in Education but it's a ministry that I am getting paid for. It's not much but it is sufficient enough to pay my monthly bills and that is all i need.

I know this is long so if you skipped to the end here are the highlights I got a job and I'm married!

Much love and prayers for you,
Kris

my thoughts on Polygamy!

2011-10-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

For me polygamy has always been a joke. Not the lifestyle but just a blonde joke. When i was in high school there was a blonde sitting next to me in history class reading and she leans over to me and says "Why is there math in here? Why are they talking about poly-gamy? Is that like a octogon?" Yeah, that happened.

I tend to think that I am an open minded person. I've seen shows about the towns of polygamist families who dress like Amish and have teen brides. However lately i've started exploring a show on TLC called "Sister Wives". It's a very intriguing show I must admit. I think that like most 'alternative lifestyles' we should treat them as people and as God's creations. They need to see that their are people to love them even if they do not believe their lifestyle. They don't need people to criticize, or judge. They need love which is ironic since these people are all about love!

This is no way of saying that I am interested in polygamy. I struggle with sharing my food; so there is no way I would ever be able to share a husband. I've never been in a committed relationship but I do know that I wouldn't ever want another woman stealing his attention and especially not having their children. This is not me judging their lifestyle but stating my opinion.

Interesting: There was a point in the show when Meri "the first wife" was dealing with jealous as Kody (the lucky guy with four wives) was planning the wedding for his fourth wife. She told him that he should picture her being around another man and that man getting ready to move in with them. Kody became disgusted with the thought of another man in their world and he even stated that he would not be able to work with that. I found this very interesting.

:) My thoughts/ ramblings!
Kris

unemployment

2011-09-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Unemployment

I have been unemployed since August 5. This is the longest I have gone without a job since I was sixteen years old. I have had one interview so far. To be honest this whole experience has been a thanksgiving meal of humble pie. I knew that moving here would not be easy and that I would learn a huge lesson in depending on someone other than myself.

It’s not as if I haven’t tried to get a job. I have applied to so many jobs that I have memorized my references and the important information. I have spent the last month working off my last paycheck. The only expenses have been to pitch in with groceries and gas here and there.

Lately I haven’t been able to sleep. Also I am so stressed out about upcoming bills that I have knots in my stomach. I know what the bible says about worrying but since I have no life I tend to just sit around thinking about the thing I shouldn’t be worrying about. Also, not having a car to get away makes it quite difficult.

I found some quotes about unemployment:
**It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own. -Harry S Truman **
**A man willing to work, and unable to find work, is perhaps the saddest sight that fortune's inequality exhibits under this sun. -Thomas Carlyle**

There are many who enjoy being unemployed. I am not one of these people. I have always worked in order to contribute. When I lived in GR I was unemployed for a month and I thought I’d lose my mind. I think the most difficult part is not having a community of believers. Yes, I’ve met a few people here and there but no community. Not like when I lived in Michigan and had a community at school, camp, and when I lived in Grand Rapids. It will take time to get a community here and I believe that God has control of my life.

farwell Michigan

2011-08-06T06:01:00.000-07:00

It feels like only yesterday I was praying about what God wanted me to do and where he wanted me. Michigan or Ohio? When should I stop working at my current job?

Here I am on the morning of my move. I cannot wait to start my new chapter. The chapter of living with dad and being closer to my family. However right now I'd like to reflect on the amazing things I have learned and gone through this year. This has been a year full of tears, laughter, late nights and long eight hour shift. A year of new relationship, working through some relationships and ending some relationships which needed it. I have learned more in this year alone than many others combined. This year has been phenomenal, dramatic, confusing and above all such a fantastic learning experience. I am so grateful for the last year of my life.

God has taught me so much and I pray everyday that I can use this knowledge to help my future relationships (whether friendship or otherwise). He has taught me about the importance of relationships with women and how to guard my heart with my friendships with men. He has taught me to see the light in every darkened room. He has been there through all of the fantastic days of running around town with friends and has been there when I come home in tears because of something my boss said or because of my class being crazy.

He is so good.
He's so good to me.

Kris

Two Week Notice

2011-07-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

My life changes so fast and it's something i've come accustomed to however not everyone is used to this. My life is crazy and that's fine. So my car died and not just wouldn't start but died died. So this means that I have to bum rides to work for awhile. This helped shape my decision and prayers to know when i would be done at work. I will be moving to Ohio on August 5th. Not on the 31st like previously planned. This is a bit earlier but the good news is that I will be back on the third weekend of August to celebrate the marriage of Nick and Laura. (for those who don't know Laura was my freshmen roommate) :D.

So I have two weeks to finish up work, pack everything and spend some time with those I love so much. I am so excited and yet know how much I will miss everyone.

My life is so crazy but I love it.

Tomboy trapped in a girl's body?

2011-06-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am a tomboy through and through. I eat steak, love comedy and action movies, and enjoy watching tv shows such as "Deadliest Catch". I enjoy the company of guys not because I want to flirt but because they are who I relate to the most. For the most part I usually feel like one of the guys. There are times that something happens that catches me by surprise.

I was called cute but a close guy friend. He didn't go out of his way to say that he thought I was cute but told a friend that he was going to a movie with a girl who was cute. It was in no way a date. Just a movie with a close friend. Still no one has ever called me cute, especially not with me in ear shot. I didn't get girlie and get butterflies in my stomach or start blushing but it was nice to hear and it definitely brought a smile to my face.

I'm a girl in the way that i love compliment. That will never change. Sometimes being a girl isn't as scary as most tomboys think. Am a girl trapped in a tomboy's body OR a tomboy trapped in a girl's body?!?

My life is crazy!

2011-05-22T07:20:00.001-07:00

Alright so my life has been so crazy lately. My mom and dad are not only dating after almost 20 years divorced but yesterday my mom moved in with him. This is beyond exciting and mind blowing. God has been so good to our family. Our family was pretty much torn apart healed individually and then put back together. I am so excited to have the chance the live with both parents. This hasn't happened since i was 8 and it will so different being an adult verses being a child. I can appreciate things that I never had the opportunity or knowledge to appreciate before. Almost like catching up for lost time but with wisdom. I haven't lived with a parent since i was in high school. That is gaining on ten years. I am so excited to see what God has in store for our family and to see what he is going to do in the next year.

For now though my goal is to not check out. I still have a few months to be with my friends and the girls at work. My job here is not yet done (not meaning that in a literal sense).

its so true

2011-05-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today at church we sang a song i have sung a thousand times but this time it meant more to me than ever before.

God is so good, He's so good to me.
He answers prayers, He answers prayers,
God is so good, He's so good to me.

Saying he is so good doesn't do it justice but he is SO GOOD. So many great things are happening in my life and so many prayers are being answered. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Im going home...

2011-04-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked three weeks from my fast on my tv shows. I chose t.v. because it was part of my routine and knew that sacrificing that would give me the chance to really think about the decision before me. If you are wondering the decision was to move in with my dad in Ohio. I moved here when I was 13 and since then my heart has ached to be closer to my family. I has been difficult and challenging to be away from them. God has restored and built my relationship with my father. He offered me a room in his home and told me to truly think about it because it would rent-free and the ability to save money to pay back Spring Arbor. This was very appealing to me. Not to mention open a door to really continue to build on that relationship. I truly prayed about the situation, especially in the three weeks I gave up watching my tv shows. I truly believe that this is the best move for me.

So here I am looking at making a big move...AGAIN. Unlike in the last few years though this means that I will have to leave all of my friends and move back to where my crazy life all started :D. This may be difficult and possibly strain a few friendships but I feel that God is calling me to go home to my family.

I am at a very good place right now. My life is fantastic right now and I am loving every minute of it.

re-birth-day

2011-02-18T13:52:00.001-08:00

My birthday is very special to me. Not only because my friends stop what they are doing and wish me a happy birthday and buy me gifts (which i'd be happy with the greeting and quality time). My birthday is special because it was the day that God changed my life.

Flashback:
The year was 2002 and i was turning 18. I had been attending church and was a "christian" since 13. This meant that I did whatever i wanted and then on Sunday put on my best smile and recited verses and talked about how wonderful Jesus was and how much I need him. However things changed when the summer before my birthday a youth pastor who just recently graduated from Pensecola challenged me to pause once a day and read my bible. I did it faithfully since. Which brings you to my birthday. A very drunk Kris laid on her bed and opened the bible out of habit. I stopped and said to myself, "this isn't right" it just isn't right. I heard this voice whisper "You can't have both lives. It's yours or mine". Right then and there i decided to give my life truly to God and live for him no matter the cost. I had no idea what that meant and certainly had never seen it but I made my decision. I wrote down on a peice of paper to write an excuse list and passed out. The next day i sat my mom down and explained that i was no longer going to live the partying lifestyle and that I needed her to lie to my friends. Even as a very young Chistian i knew that telling my friends i could no longer be around them because i was now a Christian was a terrible witness to them. I knew Jesus would want better. If you know me you know I am an honest person, so my mom lied every weekend. Now, if you are wondering why i had to sacrifice my friendships that's a great thing to wonder. My friends and I were not people who would drink because it was a birthday or graudation. We drank every weekend and soon it was nearly every night. We didn't have anything to celebrate other than loving to drink. So saying that I wasn't going to drink was like saying I didn't want anything to do with them.

Through the power of Christ and HIM alone I quit drinking and smoking. I have not since my 18th birthday, Feb. 19th, 2002 touched a cigerette and the first time I picked up a drink was on my 21st birthday or shortly afterward. I picked up a strawberry daquari and said "this tastes funny" and wasn't a fan. THAT IS THE POWER OF JESUS. Only he would make something once so delicious not as desirable.

All this background to say that i love my birthday. It's a day for me to remember that Jesus gave me 18 years and I controlled it and failed EPICLY. Then I gave him control and he is doing a much better job if i may so say myself. So tomorrow is not just the day that Kris Locker came into the world but it's also marks the day that Jesus called me out and pulled me out of my own way to bring HIM glory.

He had done so much in the last nine years. He has brought wonderful people in my life, taken some amazing people from me to be with him for eternity, asked me to walk away from other wonderful friends, and picked me up several times after being hurt and dissapointed. He also healed my heart and reunited me with my father. A relationship i shall never regret.

GOD IS GOOD. HE WILL BE PRAISED.
So if you think of me on my birthday praise God for my birthday. And for kicks wish me a happy re-birth-day. I know it sounds cheesy but hey that is me in a nutshell.
not a literal one cause i'm afraid of enclosed places.

love, Kris!

SURPRISE!

2011-02-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

So this week was an awful and long week at work. Then on Saturday i picked up an extra shift for babysitting and that was fine. However on the way home my car pretty close to died. Let me just say i wasn't in the best of moods. I called my mom and Alissa crying about how much my life sucks and they calmed me down. I was supposed to go to Alissa's to check out her new place and part of me didn't even want to do that. Well i got there and something was off. I kept seeing familiar cars and there were a lot of shoes by the front door. I walked in the living room and SURPRISE!!!! It was full of about 20 of my closest friends and my family! I was so overwhelmed I started crying. The first person i saw was Brijette so i hugged her and then didn't know what to do so i hugged her again. I made it to my mom and made her cry, then hugged my brother and excused myself out of the room to find a kleenex. It mean more to me than words could possibly describe. We had pizza, cake/ brownies (and they were Kris Locker friendly too!!!) and played games. Each one took the time to stop and talk to me. They made me laugh and remember that there are people in my life who love me and make me feel appreciated. I have not felt appreciated or loved this past week and it was a great reminder. Throughout the night i was constantly reminded of how blessed I am. I have a family who will travel almost two hours to celebrate my birthday with my crazy friends. Friends who will make plans and drop what they are doing to spend time with me. I also have people in my life who will stop whatever they are doing and make me laugh. There was much laughing and that is a remedy that was needed.

It was a great night. Words cannot express how grateful I am for the people in my life. I am stupid blessed right now. Yep, stupid blessed.

careers

2011-02-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

The past month has been a blur. I feel as though all i do is work all week and occasionally on the weekend after much sleep visit friends. I love what i do however who i work for has become draining and overwhelming. The company itself isn't bad but most days i feel as though they are just waiting for me to do something wrong that they can jump on me for. No one around me is happy and i feel stressed all the time. I don't make enough to pay all of my bills, my car is guzzling gas like a college frat boy at a party. All in all I haven't slept well which makes me even more exhausted and grumpy. Don't get me wrong God is amazing and has blessed my life. Don't read this thinking this is a pity party for Kris because i don't do that. I stick through things and look for opportunities. I'm simply venting on my blog, which let's be honest, i'm not all that certain a whole lot of people read! I really don't care to be honest (again) because writing is a destressor of mine.

So last Sunday something amazing happened. For the first time since August i went to church alone. I usually go with my roommate but she was singing in the service and i had no idea where she was sitting so i found a seat in the back and sat there. I became so overwhelmed with life during the worship time that i stopped singing. Partly because i was chocking back the "I know I should trust you tears" and partly because I could feel God wanted a moment with me. Right then and there he told me that he had this situation under control and that I needed to talk to Alissa. I took in a deep breathe and began to sing once again. The sermon talked about guarding your heart and how you need to give your best energy. He said at one point that you need to choose who gets your best energy because if you don't someone will choose for you. This was something I prayed about all week and work got it everyday this week. It's something to work on because my friends and family deserve more of my energy then i have given them lately.

So back to God telling me to call Alissa. I love her with all my heart but my first thought was that she was going to be busy and that i would at least leave her a voicemail. Sunday is a busy day for most of my friends. Well God is in control and not me so i called her on my way home from church and she picked up to my surprise. I told her about worship and my discontented heart and my job. I asked her to be in prayer with me about this. She prayed over me on the phone about looking at my job as a ministry and seeking other opportunities. On Monday i recieved a text that there was an opening someone and i am seeking God's decision for that job.

All that to say: GOD BE PRAISED. He leads and i follow. I don't hesitate or think about it. I just do it. He is far better at running my life than i am. I know i've tried. This week was a long week at work. The kids were awful and there were a lot of staff changes and such. However God got me through it. I prayed a lot, cried a lot, and read his word a lot. I also encouraged co-workers, made them laugh and smile when they needed it the most, and even read my bible during my break which started up some conversations. God is good and if that's what i needed to learn through this experience then it was totally worth it.

Long winded and tired,
Kris :D

Loneliness, The internet, and Fasting!

2011-01-16T09:27:00.001-08:00

For the last few weeks the pastor at Frontline has started a series on Temptation. It is on the temptations of Jesus in the desert and what is at the heart of them. We focus on "Pausing" situations on life and sitting back and looking and seeing what needs to be done. The last sermon was about things getting in the way of your relationship with Jesus. The temptation was entitled "an acceptable need fulfilled in an unexceptable way". We were sent out of the church with the challenge of finding something that is getting in the way of your relationship with God and sacrifice it for a something greater later! I was convicted of my internet usage as a of way of dealing with loneliness. When i feel lonely or just bored I have a tendency to get online and try to fulfill the need to be with friends or family. I need to run to Jesus first and that is what I worked on this week.

I never not once missed the internet. I read books, rested, and spent quality time with my Savior. It was a great experience and I think i have the idea of how to use the internet for appropriate usage and still put Jesus first in my life. Jesus has been working on me and my loneliness issues as of late. I am independent and i love being on my own and doing my own thing. There are times that I wonder if one day there will be more. As of right now I love my time with Jesus and allowing him to teach me all the things he is. He has taught me a ton this year and i cannot wait to see what he has in store for me. I have no idea if i'll ever get married or even go on another date but right now I'm focusing on my Jesus.

Miss Kris!

2010-12-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

So a short but sweet update!

So a week ago I got offered a job at a local daycare. I heard about the job through a new friend who I met! I started this Monday with orientation. From Monday to Wednesday I floated from room to room and had literally been in every room except for my friend Katie's room (Katie was the one that told me about the job). On Thursday and Friday I was her assistant and i loved it.

Life is so good right now. I really love life right now. I have no money and have to wait a few weeks until I get paid and back on my feet. Pretty excited for that. It will be nice to have money again to do crazy things like pay the rent, buy food and put gas in my car :0).

That's pretty much it!
Love, Kris

insert a clever title here!

2010-11-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was absolutely amazing. I saw some old friends who still go to Spring Arbor and even some new friends who currently go there. I also got the opportunity to meet up with some old friends who graduated. It was beyond amazing. It was great to see my closest friends and catch up on life. It was nice to be around people who know me really well and that have an interest in my life. It was also nice to see how far i have come since leaving SAU. Some days it feels like i haven't really moved forward but this weekend was a reminder that I have in fact moved forward.

I'm living in a cynical world...

2010-11-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for bubbly go listen to Colbie :) This is not the blog for you. Things are a roller coaster for me. Some days are full of hope and excitement and some days (like today) i wake up after sleeping in and waking to no alarm clock feeling like i lost my purpose and my way. I know what you are thinking "Chin up, Kris, all things will work out" well to be honest i know this already and just feel like being cynical. I go through these cycles every once in awhile. I feel like being cynical. I watch epic movies, make lists of how to improve things and blog...all are coping mechanisms that haven't failed me yet. :D.

So not going to lie (since i'm being honest) the male gender haven't been doing so well. I think of all the guys i talk to Korey may be the only one showing that not all guys are jerks. I know that i'm over reacting and generalizing. Just lately there have a lot of guys who have made me feel like garbage for having an opinion or even breathing lately. This is why I surround myself with people who don't make me feel like crap and who uplift me. I love my girls right now :D.

Things will get better but until they do being cynical is what i'll deal with. On Friday Cait and I are going to SAU and i'm excited. I have some on campus friends i'll visit and have a date with some old alumni friends. woooot. woooot. This will be much needed to see some friends who love me. I know they are in GR but lately don't feel like they are here...probably busy with their own lives which i understand. (i've only been unemployed for three days...i remember being busy).

God is my strength.
Kris

and another one bites the dust

2010-10-21T16:32:00.001-07:00

So life is pretty confusing today. I really need guidance and wisdom. I am seeking prayer for direction in my life. Also another lesson in trusting God I feel is in the works.

On Tuesday I was informed that they are closing the daycare in which i work. The last day is October 29th which gave the staff less than a week to find an alternative job. The last few days have been a surreal blur. Each day the parents of the kids in which i care for ask me a myriad of questions, the kids seem a little bit sad and the staff are just not with it.

Basically, what happened was the original owner was going to take over the daycare once again. She decided to turn it down and the owners who have it now see the daycare for what it can be. They are closing the doors and renovating the place. Which means it will be closed for two months and are looking for "new families and a new staff" as they put it. We were encouraged to find employment elsewhere.

There are a variety of ways that i feel down about this. First of all these kids i've spent the last two months with i feel for them. They have to start all over again. I feel for the staff who have been there for ten or more years. I also feel just confused personally. I know God has given me this job in order to show me how much i love it. I have never loved a job this much (not even camp). This is a stepping stone to opening my orphanage some day and i truly believe that now.

For now i am considering a few day cares in the area but am also open to other ideas. I feel like right now in my life day care is where I am supposed to be. Maybe there is one out there that is better for me in the long run.

Like i said i really need some prayer in guidance and wisdom!

Seeking HIS will,
Kris Locker

some relief...

2010-10-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

So after some praying and careful consideration of my life I quit my part-time job. I was looking at my life realistically. For the last month I have been so drained physically and emotionally. I became more emotional due to exhaustion. Luckily the second job was not needed financially but was only a source of added money. I had to ask myself why I was taking this job and why I was sacrificing sleep and weekends for this job. I really couldn't come up with a good answer so i quit. I told my boss that I was burnt out and just couldn't work there anymore. She took it really well and said she totally understood.

I looked up some verses about money to help with my decision:
*Luke 16:13 "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

*Mat 6:19-21 "Do not save riches for yourselves here on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and robbers break in and steal. Instead, save riches for yourselves in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and robbers cannot break in and steal. For your heart will always be where your riches are."

God provided me a full time job which supplies everything I "need". I believe I made the right choice and now can be in a shut-in during the week and actually do things on the weekends. I was going to wait until i saved up money to get a car. I felt that way until i saw the verse about saving up money. I don't really need the job and have been so physically exhausted lately that I was dragging at both jobs. I decided to quit the side job and felt a weight lifted afterward.

So now i have my weekends back and now get a chance to sleep on the weekends. I have been so exhausted that I just wasn't myself and whenever i had time to do something i would sleep and sleep some more. I became this empty shell and wasn't liking what i saw. No amount of money is worth that.

Odd Place

2010-09-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

I'm in a very odd place right now. I really don't know that i even have the words to express what i'm going through right now. No words so they are definitely not eloquent or even something anyone could understand. Especially since I don't have the capacity to understand it. I feel empty and numb. I just feel bleh.

Yesterday was a great day...i truly was. However there are times that even with a huge group of people i feel that i will never fit in. I don't have that group of people in which i belong. I'll always be that new kid who doesn't find the place. I feel like this at work, visiting friends and even at church. I feel misunderstood and disassociated. I'm just in an odd place. I know what most of you are already thinking, "give it time and let God take control". The more i pray about this the more God tells me to wait. He doesn't want met to be involved in things or pursue things he wants me to wait. If there is anything i fail at constantly it's waiting on God. I fail in this over and over again. However I listen to him because i know better! I've done this before with him. I want them to know the one i fall in love with everyday!

I feel burdened for my family. I know the peace that comes from knowing and following Jesus. When i think about them not knowing him it breaks my heart in half. Today in church i was struck by this and it was like lightning. I couldn't move all i could do was pray. I couldn't speak or even think clearly. I wasn't myself because I am just so overwhelmed with this. I want them to know him so badly and just don't know what to do next. I pray and will continue to pray for them. I want nothing more than for them to know HIM. I want them to meet and accept the very person who is responsible for my life bringing me past myself pride and to a better place.

Today the sermon was about invited others in. It hit me that when i was 13 i was invited to GR to go to a drama skit night and that is where i met Jesus. I met him in GR over ten years ago and here I am living here for his unknown purpose. He has taken me so far and yet we have such a long journey ahead of us. I was headed down a path of self destruction and he saved me. He saved my life. All because a young right out of college youth pastor stopped by my house and asked me to go to GR with him for a few hours.

Pray.Love.Pray.Love (my goal in waiting)
:)
Kris

The New Kid...

2010-09-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

I am having a pretty hard time right now. I feel like i don't know anyone. I don't have a group of people i hang out with. I know a lot of people in Grand Rapids but don't have that core group of people that I run to or hang out with. I know it's only been a month but it just kinda sucks to be honest. I mean it's not like i have a ton of time to just go and meet people. I work two jobs and when i'm not there i'm a lazy bones in my apartment. I don't want to talk or move after work much less go and meet people. I mean other than my roommates I have Nate. Not to say that those people aren't amazing and mean a lot to me...because OF COURSE THEY DO i just would like to know other people.

My whole life I've always felt like i've never fit in. I've always been that new kid who is obviously different. I feel that way at both of my jobs even though i'm not the only "newbie". I hate feeling left out or even outside of the one who "know what in the world is going on". I'm pretty frustrated with it right now.

In other news, Nate and I visited this church close to his house. It was really awesome. I love the pastor and it has an amazing college/post college group to get connected to. I really like it a lot. This gives me hope that i could potentially get to know someone that i didn't know when i moved to GR. I don't want to be the girl who only hangs around camp people. I love camp people but am over being a camp person. I'm starting down a new path...a full time working path; a living in Grand Rapids path. Camp will always be a part of who i am but it is not WHO i am. It makes sense to me.

these are my thoughts but mostly frustrations.
Kris :)

Working Woman...well soon i will be.

2010-09-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

The transition has been difficult for me. It's also difficult to not be doing anything. Starting on Sunday my crazy working schedule begins. As far as classes it'll take like an hour at most each night just to get online and discuss on each class. I have visited a lot of people this week and have thoroughly enjoyed the down time. I have done whatever i can around the apartment to pitch in and help out. I help out a lot in the kitchen, we all do our part. I just feel like if i'm not doing anything I should at least be helping around the apartment.

On Sunday i am serving at the country club for the first time and on Tuesday i start a 40-hour work week at the daycare. I should be hearing from Chuck E Cheese by Monday on when i start training there. I am excited to be working again and with kids. I also am excited to one again have money. It seems everyone wants to continually ask me for money. Yep...good times.

In other news it's awesome to have some of my closest friends in the same town in which i live but feel that once my schedule kicks in i will have to work really hard to even talk to them. Luckily, I have a cell phone to help with that problem. I also am kinda getting tired of people talking about how hard it will be to juggle three jobs. I would love some support or encouragement here.

New chapter in my life!

2010-08-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the time i call being crazy and loving it. I am absolutely loving Grand Rapids so far. I love it so far. I have a weekend job and am interviewing next week for two other jobs and yes i fully intend on having three jobs. I also intend on taking classes online while doing these three jobs.

As far as a social life...you know my phone number! Haha. I will talk to people but i feel like my roommates will see me the most.

I love living on my own and not having to feel like i have to talk to anyone on a regular basis. I love it so much. I will talk to my friends and there are those i will make more of an effort to hang out with because they are such close friends.

it'll be crazy but since when am i sane?

Kris

headed to GR

2010-08-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

This week has been insane but good...insanely good! My brother got married last weekend and since then it's been non-stop family time. I met up with a few girlfriends and that was a blast. One from highschool who got married in December and unfortunately i wasn't able to be there so she told me all about it and showed me pictured and we had a blast catching up at a Mexican restaurant...yum yum. Speaking of yum yum a former camp worker and I met up for ice cream too this week. It was a great time to see her and meet her daughter. You know your old when you go home and visit your married friends and some of which are moms. Weird.

It truly has been a great time at home for the last week. We took the kids to the Air Zoo in Kalamazoo, watching movies, played family games, practiced throws for football and even went to a football game of my older brothers. It truly was an eventful week but one I'll look back on and think back on and be so grateful for the time i got with them. I miss my niece and nephews so much when i'm gone and it's nice to spend time with them. The older ones are pre teen and soon they will be far too cool and busy to hang out with their "out of town aunt"! It was great to spend time with them while i can. My younger nephew was trying to talk me into letting him move in with me. Tempting offer but not sure i'm ready to take care of a five year old.

So here's goes another chapter in the crazy book called my life. This chapter is called "Single in Grand Rapids" lol. Nice title i think. I'm nervous and excited to see what God will do with me there. It'll be a ride for sure. I'm excited to get out of small town life for a while.

Welp, my next blog will be from my first official on my own apartment! Can i get a woot woot?
Kris

she's back!!!!!

2010-08-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hello blogging world!

I discovered recently that my last blog was written in May. There are so many things that have happened since then. I read it to see where I last left off and as I read the words, “It pains me to not being going to Honduras”…as I read this I found myself chuckling because God has done so much in my life since I wrote that blog! Okay, enough introductions now it’s time to update you.

‡Ch…ch…changes! ‡
So I really fought with the idea of moving back home. When you’ve “graduated” from college and then move back home it’s a hard concept. I got to the point where I was content with this and let go of my pride and told God to take over and I was done making plans. Shortly after, I received a phone call from Lauren. We have always talked about moving to another country and teaching together. She said she was looking for a roommate after the summer and thought it’d be a good idea to live together here and seeing if we truly want to move outside of the country together. I told her that I’d pray about it and that more than likely it would be after six months of living at home. The more I prayed the better the idea seemed to me. I felt like God was asking to really trust him and move there in August. My only hesitation was my mom being really excited about moving back in with her. She and I are really tight and I finally would be home for the first time since high school. So one night I called her to talk to her about moving to Grand Rapids with Lauren. I asked her if there were any jobs at home and she said not really and it would be difficult to find work that I didn’t have to drive to. Then she said it’d be a good idea to live somewhere that has public transport. I then told her about the moving idea and she was totally supportive. Not that as an adult I needed her permission but it’s nice to be supported by my family whom I love a lot. I am pretty dang excited about what the future holds.

£ Farewell Center Lake £
Before going into how I’m saying farewell to my beloved camp, I’ll tell you about my summer. This summer was beyond amazing and I was blessed. I was pretty concerned about leading the SMT group but had so much support and love. Nate- you were such a blessing to the group-. Nate doesn’t like me bragging about him but I’ll do it anyway…I’m a rebel :o). Nate was never asked to help with the group but he totally stepped up and invested time in the group and he helped out in every way he could. No one ever said he had to or should but he did it cause that is the person he is. I was incredibly blessed by his service to the group. I love serving along side of him. A lot of people that I lead with are afraid to step up and lead when I’m there but we are such close friends that we know when one needs to lead and when to let the other lead. We also took the group on an amazing backpacking trip. Such a grand time. Time for the farewell part: As another chapter of my life is starting another one must end. I just completed my seventh summer at camp. I have very much loved my experiences but feel as though it is time to move on and do something different. Not better, not worse…different. My goal was to leave a completely different person than I came in and God has transformed me from that girl who nervously entered camp seven years ago. I am no longer that shy, reserved girl who was petrified to lead on her own. Now, I’m one of the staff that everyone looks at to see what to do or to see if I will lead. I loved how God has used my unique gifts for his glory and his kingdom. He has brought so many amazing people into my life. People that outside of these crazy camp walls I would have never met and probably wouldn’t have noticed me in a crowd otherwise but are people that I am a better person for simply knowing. Two of which I will be living with in the fall…wooooooooot!!!!!! Although it is a bit sad to close this chapter in my life, I am so beyond pumped to see what God has for me next. I am willing to do whatever and go wherever. I am willing and able and excited to do what he calls me to do. He is so much better at controlling my life than I am. I try and try and fail constantly. I am so excited to serve Him in Grand Rapids…and to live in a bigger community JUST SAYIN’. I’m a bit of a socialite.

¥ School again…are you NUTS? ¥
Yes and absolutely nuts for Jesus. My life doesn’t ever make sense which is fine cause Jesus knows that I get bored I make terrible life decisions. It’s a true story. So I am currently pursuing another passion of mine while my degree at SAU is being with held *rolls eyes and gives an angry fist*. I am looking at getting an online Business Administration degree. This is for many reasons. The first is that my dream has always been to open a homeless shelter. I have always wanted to do this and call it “Entertaining Angels” (which was a name I came up with my close friend, N’STO). Well I want to jump start that idea with business classes and with a Business Administration degree can get a nice job in an office or something to sustain me to start and open my homeless shelter. This is something I’ve always wanted to do but put on the back burner to teach and since God slammed shut that door I felt that it was time to pursue this dream.
µ And now for something completely random µ
Random thought: I have been extremely happy with my last name and have decided that only a man with an epic last name will get me to rid myself of such a great last name.

How’s that for an update?
Kris Locker.

2010-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

================================================================================
Dear Friends/Loved ones:

If you are reading then it is because I know that you are praying and/or someone I need to keep fully informed. As most of you know I was accepted into an International school in Honduras. Due to some things (mostly financial) that were beyond my control I had to turn down the job after accepting it. This pains me more than I can express. However my love for Christ is much stronger than my wants to teach internationally. Although this is hard I do know that God has a plan. There is a reason that I am being called to stay here. I have no clue what the future holds for me after the summer is over. I know that I am being called to camp for another summer and then after that is a giant question mark. I am moving in with my mom after July. That’s what I know for sure right now.

I appreciate all of your prayer during this really confusing and frustrating time for me. God is teaching me what it truly means to follow him with wild abandonment. It doesn’t have to make sense but it is important to do it anyway. Please continue your prayers for me as I continue to follow God’s will for me.

extra extra read all about it...

2010-03-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

FINALLY. I got a job. After months of searching and seeing a lot of closed doors. I finally got a job. My first real post-college job. I recieved a job offer to teach third grade at a bilingual Christian school in Honduras. :0) I will be gone August until June and then back for the summer months. I will be doing this for a two year period and then i could sign another contract or come back home. Who knows what could happen in two years! Did i mention i was excited?

Exciting, nevrous, shock...all these feelings i would claim! I have a lot of details to fill in but have a few months yet. I am so pumped. I had a peace about the job: everthing just fell into place for the job but had my doubts after the interview. But all that waiting and praying was so very much worth it!!!!!

Please pray for my family. They aren't sure how to feel about me being gone so long in another country. It's normal stuff for a family to worry about...just pray for them.

God is oh so good
Kris :)

it's been a while

2010-03-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hi blog world it's Kris Locker again!

My life lately has been pretty crazy and boring. I know only my life could be described using both those adjectives. Haha! I say boring but i think that it's awesome. I love boredom especially since after boredom comes crazy busyness :) I love boredom. I like sleeping and watching movies. Seriously i do; there is NO sarcasm here!

I have two possible jobs lining up. One is temporary at a local school. One of their teachers is in the hospital and one of the teachers asked if she could drop my name to the school to fill in for a while. I should hear soon. I guess we'll see. The other one is for the fall/next two years. It's a bilingual Christian school in Honduras. I am excited and extremely nervous. I have the interview on Monday on skype.

Otherwise life has been an emotional rollercoaster! Seriously "Mood Rings" by Relient K has been my theme song lately. I am emotionally exhausted. Ready to run away to another country or just to go into hiding for awhile :)

That's my life lately
Kris :)

Tell me where; tell me when!

2010-02-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my life lately. All behind the scenes "heart" stuff. In my life it's all about the small things.

Haiti opportunity:
There was an opportunity to go to Haiti and teach. However i received word today that it had been filled. Oddly enough i wasn't disappointed because my prayer through the whole thing was that someone would fill that need. Haiti's need for a teacher is bigger than my want to go. I praise GOD that someone was able to go and help there. I truly believe God put this desire in my heart to show me that i truly do have a calling for international teaching. The contact for Haiti said she was keeping my name on file and would contact me if any other jobs opened up in the upcoming months. Since i returned from Japan I've known that one day I've love to teach internationally. However lately I've been questioning if it's what i want to do or God's will for my life. I was really down and when i thought there was even a chance to teach in Haiti my entire word lit up and my heart lept. I truly believe God wanted to restore that passion in my heart and help me to see that's what he wants for me. I don't know when and i definitely have no idea where but i know that i will one day teach in another country. There are many aspects of my life which show that I'm designed for teaching internationally such as: unsettled in any place i live and never having a place where i feel like i belong and am supposed to be. I could see myself settling down in Cadillac but i really don't think that right now would be a time when i could see that. I also have never had a "potential relationship" work out. There is always a point that God reveals that it's not a good idea usually due to a lack of a very important characteristic i am looking for. God has revealed to me what I'm looking for and maybe he's not in America or maybe he will show up later on in life. I have no idea but am fully dependent of God for his timing...he's better than I am.

For Now:
For now I'm involved at camp, church and will be applying to jobs until summer starts. I am excited for this next part of my life and to see where God will take me next. I have learned so much lately about pride, stubbornness, and running to him in times of loneliness and near depression. I do believe I'm in a "valley" spiritually. This is not a bad thing because in my life it has often been the case that when i am in the valley or the low point God is preparing me for something really big. I have no idea what that is and i think it's much better in the long run not to know. For now I'm going to be faithful in the small things. I've applied to a school in Evart, MI who is looking for a teacher assistant and I'll see what happens with that. I am excited to learn more about God and myself during these next few months.

A boy break...

2010-02-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

I'm done being dramatic.
the end.

so, where to now God?

2010-01-23T12:06:00.000-08:00

In two weeks time i will be done with college. Completely done and with the degree i've worked incredibly hard for a long and growing 6.5 years. What comes next is a great question. I truly have no idea. I have an account on six different teaching website and there is nada in Michigan. So of course this means i have many decisions to make in a few short months.
-Do i move out of state for a job?
-If I do, how will be able to afford a place to live?
-Is it wise to stick around here when there is no way to use my degree?
-What about working abroad?
-What about the community built here in Cadillac?

I am so grateful I am not in a dating relationship or have any prospects because i am so confused right now about where i want to be.

God continually keeps reassuring me that with time he will reveal to me what he wants me to do. I am so confused, lost and frustrated and i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about it. I just feel like everyone is so stuck on their own lives that they don't have the time or take the time to listen to how i'm truly doing. It happens i guess.

Life is confusing but i am loving it. God is so good and HE is who i run to. A few nights back i decided that although exhausted i needed a heart to heart with Jesus. I prayed for like two hours and just poured out myself to him and prayed for friends and family. God is so good.

WAITING

2010-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

God has been teaching me to wait upon him. To be completely honest i am ready to be in a relationship but God has not placed that man into my life yet and it's something he is teaching me to be patient about. I try to remind him i've already waited for 25 years but that doesn't seem to change anything :0) Last night i was reading in my room and came to a realization. The realization was this: I am waiting for the man God is preparing me for but right now i AM in relationship with someone who loves me deeper and has committed to never let me go and his is PERFECT and my SAVIOR! I decided to start giving him the time i have put into waiting for that mystery man out there somewhere!

Well today at church we sang "Wait upon the Lord" and i just smiled as God gave me another reminder that HE is there while i wait :0) He is soooooooooo good. Well today i was looking up songs on waiting and i came across one from the movie Fireproof. It is a phenomenal movie and this song really spoke to me...or sang to me!

The lyrics are:
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Seriously to a tee my life right now. A overall theme of waiting on the LORD! I get chills listening to it. Here's the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFwZ7Ekg080&fmt=18

I woke up today with a joy that cannot be explained outside of JESUS. I have waves of loneliness but God has given me such a heart to serve until my next stage in my life. He is ALL I NEED :):):)

Strength will rise as we wait upon the LORD,
Kris

Jesus' birthday and LIFE

2009-12-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

There are a jumbled mess of things going on in my mind so im gonna just blog about them all.

Jesus' birthday.
Conviction came on Sunday when i realized that i give little to no attention to my Savior on the day of his birth. The world recognizes this day as his birth and here i am his follower and getting lost in the worldly celebration. I came home and took down all the Christmas decoration and started my very own tradition. I decorated my living room like a birthday party and if invited to any holiday parties will bring birthday cake! Jesus will be celebrated the end.

Small group:
i am in a small group for 'singles' in their 20's. I love it. love it. love it. We have been studying what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. Last night we met for December and got into a heavy discussion about the cost of a discipleship. Someone mentioned how it's not hard to sacrifice when you know it's better for you and i argued that if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be a sacrifice. Then Ryan, our leader, asked me to share my story saying that it had a lot of sacrifice. Honestly I've never thought of my faith in Jesus as sacrifice but always looked at it as following Jesus because he fulfilled me in a way nothing else would. It's a new perspective for sure.

Interning professionally:
I love interning. Truly, it is the most humbling experience and i think my relationship with Jesus has never been better. I am ready for a real job with a paycheck that are a lot a lot bigger! For right me i am using each moment to learn more about the character of Jesus. Today i was cleaning yogurt off the ceiling (seriously, humbling) and thought "Jesus was the King of King and washed people's feet...he is so more awesome then I'll ever know"

I'll be home for Christmas...kinda
So plans for Christmas are finalizing. I will go home on Christmas Eve and then either Christmas Day or the 26th i'll drive six hours to my Grandma's new home in Columbus, Ohio and she's ordering pizza and enjoying time with everyone. Apparently she's over spending the day cooking a huge meal we really don't need. Can't blame her...bring on the chance. My dad is playing for a hotel room for us and taking us to this sled park in Columbus. Then i come home on the 27th and will be at camp the next day. We have retreats from the 28th - Jan. 3rd. School starts on Jan. 4th.
I thought they called it Christmas BREAK? Ha!

Pray for opportunities to share Jesus with my family. I want to share him with them but its a fine line between annoying them with my Jesus talks and sharing with them about my life. God is so good.

Friday is Follow the Star at camp. If you dont know it's a journey of Jesus' birth. From the prophesy to his birth. You walk from one end of the camp to the other to see it. I am so excited to finally be able to experience it. Usually I'm at school swamped with work during this time so it'll be nice to enjoy it.

Kris

I'm in love and i don't care you knows it...

2009-11-29T13:46:00.001-08:00

So i am in love. Love is a word that is tossed around a lot and the meaning of the word is just as much. I love puppies but hate cats...that kinda stuff. But this is love, true love. Authentic love. It's for real. Before i get into the details that every girl wants to know like who, how we met, etc. Let me show i know i am in love.

Here are something I've been told that you KNOW you're in love:
-You can't stop smiling when you think about him
-You hear his name and have to smile
-You want to spend every waking moment with him
-He is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about when you go to bed.

I think it's safe to say that i am in love. We met when i was 13 but didn't truly understand his love until i gave up drinking and partying when i was 18. I was introduced by a friend. He patiently waited for me to try some other things first and then ran to his open arms. He loves me. The thing about this love is that i want to share his love with others.

Now before you freak out, i am in love with JESUS. Stop shaking your head and think about it. Jesus should be our first love. We should love him more than that cute guy in your class or at work. I cannot stop smiling when i hear his name and when i wake up in the morning i start it with prayer and exclaiming how much i love him. We should love him passionately.

I hope that today you see how much love he has given and his love is a gift that keeps on giving. Show the love of Jesus everyday.

I love him. He is all i need.
Kris

P.S. single hood isn't a disease...just so you know!

i surrender ALL...

2009-11-27T18:59:00.001-08:00

SO time for an update on here. I'm not sure anyone even reads this but i like getting it down anyway! I could just forfeit the online journal and stick to my personal journal but i like doing so...I'm a-gonna :)

After many tears and prayers God delivered me from my emotions and feelings and i can honestly say i am finally over that hurdle. I won't say what the hurdle was (that is what the personal journal is actually for) but i will say that i was an emotional wreck for quite some time. I am not regretful of the situation because God taught me so much about myself and more importantly about HIS character through the situation. I can honestly say i have surrendered it to God and the feelings and emotions that were once so closely connected to said hurdle are gone. This is relieving and amazing. I have told a few friends before that i was "over it" and they and i both knew i wasn't but this time i truly, truly am. I know not that what i desired so badly was not what God had in store for me and looking back i am amazed that i ever was like that. A little bit ashamed but stronger for the experience.

I am so blessed right now. I am still broken at the foot of the cross. I am full of a joy that i haven't felt since i first abandoned a life of selfishness and let GOD take over my entire life. It's a joy that is full of brokenness. There is a just a point that you get so broken that you cannot do anything but follow Jesus and there is just immense joy in that. I know it's sound incredibly backward to be so joyful and broken but that's the beauty of grace. You truly don't appreciate grace until you are a place where you need it and see how beautiful it truly is. I am constantly in awe of our creator. It's so hard not to be. He is the creator of the universe and he still cares for a girl who is constantly messing in the same cycle she's done for the last four or five years. Each day is truly a gift and i was taking that for granted, like i always do. I believe in the beauty in the small things. Each day is one to bring the King of king glory and honor for who he is and what he's done. I was praying one day and came to the realization that i used the phrase "I'm giving it to you" but don't actually believe it. I would give it to him and then a few minutes later ask how that situation is going. Let go of it and LET GOD.

Seriously, though i feel so blessed and loved. Living alone is not as hard as i thought it would be. I am getting to know people my own age thanks to my church. I am learning the ropes of education with each passing day. I am learning to take everything one day at a time and to FULLY trust God with everything.

That's my life.
Thanks for reading...

update on me!

2009-11-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

I have many things to update on. I have been learning oh so much lately. I don't know why but whenever i am at camp i don't only hear from God but i feel like he's in a loud and booming voice and the minute i go home or away and it's a faint whisper and i need to search him out. I love it here.

God is teaching me to let go. There is something i was sure i was ready for in my life and God told me no for a few months and i constantly was trying to prove how i could handle it. Eventually i gave in to his answer and am seeing how weak without him. Although this thing felt so right i was told no and i have to let it go and move on. As soon as i gave it up i was convicted of the men in my life and how i act around them and set up boundries for my emotions and for appearances of evil. So, if you are a close male friend in my life and it seems like i'm pulling away or acting strange it's because i am. I'm guarding myself and serving my husband. God and i spent a few nights chatting and diving into his words about pure living and being a light of his. My husband deserves all of my heart, whenever/if ever i meet him, i don't want to give him whatever is left of my heart. It's something i feel very strongly about. And so does Jesus.

I am being called to be a SMT Coordinator once again. I remember telling God that i would do anything at camp but i didn't feel comfortable working with high schoolers. Even as a counselor i volunteered for specialty camps senior high week. Well two years ago i volunteered *sign?* to help D Wag with the program and then when he got sick and hospitalized it feel upon my lap and last year Mike and I headed it up together. God is hilarious with my comfort zone. Well he recently told me he wants me to return and i told him that i will go where he calls and that i will trust him to bring the person to help with the program. (having talked to Mike who said he was done with camp) Then this weekend Mike told me during the meeting -where i got caught for talking- that he was going to come back for the summer. God is so good.

Okay so to the teaching thing. On Friday i said goodbye to my second grade class and it was a bit sad but a part of me was ready to move on. Today with great excitement and equally nervousness: I walked into a elementary special edu room. I have to tell you i absolutely loved every minutes of it. If that isn't a sign that it's what i was put on this earth to do...i don't know what is. I light up when working with a struggling student. I love hearing them reading and helping them out. I love it, love it, LOVE IT! Not to say i didn't like my second grade room but this is what i've studied for the last four years and what my passion lies. I seriously loved it. I got to go into a few classrooms to help out during reading times or those who missed their recess to do their missing work. I love that too. Oh and my teacher is amazing. He is laid back and so much fun. He plays with the kids and they respect him so much. We are planning on sledding party for my goodbye party and the kids have to earn it by learning 12-13 spelling lists which is part of their goals for the year. The kids were so psyched about it and it'll be great to have them out at camp experiencing the tubing hill :0)

How's that for an update?

small group

2009-11-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

I am in a small group and i'll have to say it's nice to be in a group of people my age. I think only one of the group members is in college...everyone else is a graduate and is working or trying to figure out the next step. Yep, that's right everything isn't figured out just because you walk across that stage and accept that particular finish line. Anyways so i really prayed if this was something i was supposed to do and not something to do because i want to know people my age. There's nothing wrong with knowing people in the same place in life i am but i wanted it to God's direction in my life. I signed up and told D-Wag the minute people start paring off, I'm out! We were assured that isn't one of "those" single groups...but a group of singles wanting to learn how to serve God as a single. So, anyways we were studying discipleship and came to a perplexing verse and discussed it at length..the best we can.

I am for sure no biblical scholar but here is my interpretation of what Jesus is saying here.
Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple."

We discussed the harsh language and how confusing it seems knowing that Jesus is a loving God. He IS love and yet tells us to hate our family. It seems crazy, right? well first of all who said Jesus wasn't a little bit crazy? Seriously, look at this guy! Here are my thoughts on the verses and i'm going to continue to dig into it deeper. My inital thought when reading the verse was that Jesus wants the real you. He doens't want someone coming up saying, "Yeah. I love everyone." That's not real: nobody loves everyone...we are sinners. We fight with our family, we get angry. It's who we are. Then after discussing it further i came to another realization. You have to look at the audience that Jesus is talking to. Back then dropping your job and following some crazed Messiah wasn't just giving up a paycheck and stability. Back then your family defined what you did. If you were a fisherman it wasn't because you loved to do it as a boy and decided to pursue it, it was because your dad was a fisherman and your grandfather, your great-grandfather, etc. It was what your family did and you were the one who followed what they did. To give up your job was to say to your family i dont care about genealogy or family importance i'm giving it all up to follow this guy named Jesus basicly because he asked me to follow him.

I still want to look into this verse deeper. These are my thoughts. Also i was talking about how some of my family thinks i've joined a cult and we discussed how the root of cult comes from culture and how Christianity is a counter-culture thing. So i am a proud member or a counter-culture cult :0)

ding dong the car is dead...

2009-11-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

So my chapter of my first car has offically ended. We had quite the adventure together. The irony of it was that at church today we were talking about how rich America is compared to the rest of the world and i was amazed at the statistic that there are only 8% of people in the world who own a car. Little did i know that less than an hour later i would join the 92% who didn't. Even though this is sad i am so grateful to not be hurt and when Duane picked me up he says "you got a good story" and it's so true. She was a drama queen my Lilly, my first car.

I got to church and my car was acting funny...driving a little warm but that's nothing new. This week each day something else went wrong.
Monday: left turning signal went out
Tuesday: interior lights and "door ajar" would stay on until a mile down the road
Wednesday: gages would jump while driving
Thursday: going through gas more severely than usual
Friday: radio was going in and out

So it was acting funny and that's how she was...she was temperamental and moody. She was after all my drama queen car! *keep in mind this all happened within a minute but seemed like an hour* So after church i was driving down mackinaw trail and she started shaking violently. She usually shakes if driven above 70 MPH but this was the whole thing and worse then ever before, nothing like i've ever experienced! Then there entire car was a huge cloud of smoke...i couldn't tell where it was coming from. I started to pull over and as i got just off the road she died. I parked it and turned it off and got out of the car. I grabbed my cell phone and threw it in my pocket. Praising God at the last minute i grabbed it before heading out the door. I then popped the hood to get a look to where the smoke was coming. It was everywhere and then i saw a bunch of smoke come from underneath the car. I looked and there was this huge flame just behind the tire. I took a deep breathe and praise God again that i had an "emergency 2 liter of water" in my car. I took it out and put the flame out. I took out my phone and called Duane to come and pick me up.

I texted my mom, "Car is R.I.P. I'll call you when i get back". This car has been a religious experience. I've prayed more in this car than anywhere else. Every time it started was a miracle that i had another day as a driver. Today God spared me...it sucks but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE. Seriously. It was a nice adventure that Lilly and i had. My mom feels terrible that i put so much money into something so not worth it. However how on earth would she have know? It's a good story...

So now i'm back to borrowing cars and being blessed by how amazing the friends God placed in my life. So if you have anyone who wants to get rid of a car :) or a cheap car that i can afford in like five years...:)! Above all i need prayers. God has this situation under control...completely!

high on JESUS and coffee!

2009-10-23T04:07:00.000-07:00

So a real quick update before i have to get to work/school. Don't know which it is...it's school but i teach however i don't get paid. Anyways last night was AMAZING. I was cleaning cabins and was praying and God told me to call home. I kinda blew it off at first but then started to miss home but isn't like me at all...not to say i don't love my family but i am an independent girl who has never been homesick not even while in other countries. So, i called and talked to my mom who wasn't feeling good and got her spirits up and the she said my sister needed to talk. This was strange to even want her to talk because she hates, loathes, talking on the phone. Well she said she needed "Godly" advice and i was the first person she thought of. *touched* She has a christian friend who is alone in her faith and is feel discouraged and wants to know what to say and if i'd talk to her. I told her what i would do is write her a letter so my sister jotted down my email address and i told her to email me the girl's address and to give her my phone number and she could call me any time she needed to talk. Then i proceeded to tell my little sister, who two months ago would roll her eyes when i talked about God, about what God has done in my life in the last few years.

AMAZING!!! She told me that she has been going to church and praying these days. She wants to help her friend but she's in a place right now where she's still searching God out and doesn't completely understand her faith and told her friend she doesn't feel like she can help but came to me. My little sister is following JESUS again. You have no idea how cool this is.

Home is my mission field and i left and one of then went back to Jesus and is asking my advice to help a friend in need. I slept maybe two hours last night between excitement and three cups of coffee at Sarah's and talked to God pretty much all night. It was amazing.

Did i mention this whole thing is amazing?
Welp, gotta go!

I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH.
Kris

dream, dream, dream...

2009-10-17T16:39:00.001-07:00

I have been dreaming and talking about this for well about four years now. I want to so badly teaching english in another country. It was almost my dream to live in a foregin country. At first i had the hurdle of finishing school (not like a school where to learn to be a lady i meant completing college) and that hurdle will be accomplished in February. I told myself "we'll see where i am...you never know" well i'm single, have no home and am young. If not now, when? You know? I don't want to get to a place where i cannot get up and go. I don't want to wait until i'm rooted too deep in life that i can't get up and leave for a year or more. Now is the perfect time. Okay not right now and maybe not even this next fall but soon. I have been talking about it, praying about it and now i am dreaming about it. I believe God has told me that it is time to put dreams into action.

Lauren and I have been talking about going to China to teach since she got back from her experience this summer. I am 100% serious about going. My plan is to sub/ get a year job and save up as much money are possible to support my moving to China (if that's where God wants me). Of course, this process won't begin until i finish everything in February. I mean i do have to priortize finishing up my semester of student teaching. God speaks to me loudest in dreams and i truly believe he is telling me that there is a passion to travel and teach in me for a reason. There is also a reason i have no ties to this country. Never dated and no prospects makes me the perfect person to move. I told my brother this today and it made him sad. I know he's happy for me but i think he fears (what may come true) that i may not come back if i go. It's not going to happen for at least a year and half but i am so excited about it. For real.

This is me just getting my heart down on my blog but this is where i'm at. I love teaching and i do love my friends and family here. But being single (and so single i couldn't imagine starting any relationship due to my heart being saved for the long distance future if ever) and the fact that i'm young and have an intense passion to travel. All signs point to packing up and getting out of here.

My thoughts are everywhere and my heart leaps as i write about me leaving this country behind. My heart is another country...now if i could find that country but all in time. all in time.

update on my life

2009-10-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like each day is a flash of light these days. In a month from now i will half way through my student teaching semester and this is just crazy. I decided to sit down and update you on my life thus far since it's been so long that i've updated the two of you who read this.

Teaching is amazing and oh so exhausting. I have never felt so exhausted before. I have been teaching full time for two weeks now and have three weeks after to look forward to it. It's not that bad i actually really love it and it's what i want to do with my life so it's nice to be FINALLY doing it.

My car is special. Jeff looked at it and said the engine is pretty much shot. It's a local car now and will be driven until it officially dies. So pretty much every time it starts i count it a miracle to be able to use her for another day. I have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do when she dies but haven't really put too much thought into it. Intially i felt like someone punched me when i heard but it's in God's hands and i know somehow someway he will provide and supply all of my needs. If all else fails Tustin isn't that far...a little cold but not far :)

So not too much else is changed but a few things have. I am still the same person but i think God is improving some things. God has been teaching me contentment and i can say with absolutely certainty and honesty that i am happy with life right now. This is amazing cause it's what i wanted and prayed for and now i have it. Not to say that all of my dreams are coming true...not quite the picket fence i imagined as a child having when i was in my mid 20's but i live among people who love and care for me and i wake up every morning and love what i'm doing. pretty close to my dreams.

There are a few other very minor changes in my life. One odd things is that i've discovered a random love of diet coke, which i'm sure is a sign of aging :) Another sign of aging is that by 9 i am nodding off and the latest i stay up on a usual night is about 9:30. Most Thursdays i stay up until 11 or midnight (WOAH i know) It's my one night of adult conversation and company with Sarah, Kevin, Dan and Justin. It's a great night and i look forward to it.

Well before i end this i have to share a conversation with a student today:

Student: Mrs. Locker how many kids do you have?
Me: I don't have any kids.
Student: Oh does your husband not want kids?
Me: I don't have a husband, and should probably get married before i have kids
Student: Oh my gosh i didn't know you weren't married.
Me: That's okay. No, i'm not married.
Student: *looks worried* Well do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No i don't.
Student: *still worried* Well you better get one. How else will you get married and have kids?
Me: *chuckles* (How could you not?) I am focusing on teaching and being with you guys
Student: Oh, well i guess i'm okay with that.

They are hilarious. In her mind any adult should be married and have kids. I'm glad she's okay with me focusing on her and the class.

Such good times.
Kris

In the road of life there are bumps many of them geizer size...

2009-09-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

Let me just start off by saying this "GOD is good. He is so good. He is more than enough for me" I know this is said a lot in songs and what not but he has revealed to me lately how very true this is.

I'm in a very weird transition right now in my life. Not a college student and not quite an "full time employed- rent paying adult." I'm stuck somewhere in the middle. Truthfully as awkward of a transition i'm in...i am so loving every minute of it. I am content where i am and excited to see where i'm headed after this stage i'm in right now. It's a nice place to be because no matter what life throws at me i'm ready for it. Whether God takes me to another state or country for a job (after the three wedding this summer) or if i find a job here and move in with the DelGanceys (could you imagine)!!! I'm ready for whatever God wants for me.

I have been learning a lot. I have been working in one of the toughest and roughest class my cooperating teacher has ever seen and i love it. It's challenging, exhausting and i love it. I think this is God's way of both preparing me and proving to me that this what i was designed to do. When you work so hard to do something you start to wonder "this is all i've been working toward what if it's not for me?" And when you think that and get into a tough spot and love it...you know that is God working. He is working.

HE IS SO GOOD.
The end.

morphing into Ms. Locker

2009-09-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to catch my breath. I have two more days and then a weekend and hopefully an opportunity to sleep somewhere in there. I started to school on Tuesday (yesterday) let me just say that i was in bed by 9pm. I wake up from 6am- 6:15 and from then until around 4 pm i am thinking about curriculum, discipline, lesson plans and what to do about those boys who will not stay on task. I got home around 4:30 yesterday because we had our first staff meeting. So far i haven't felt like the newbie at all which is a good feeling. I am treated like one of the teachers and if anything they often reassure me that things to get better and easier. I eat lunch with the other second grade teachers and feel like a babe as they are talking about grandchildren and when they will retire. I'm not even starting teaching and they are decided whether this year or next would be the time to retire. It has been nice because a lot have said they don't know if they want to retire because they love teaching so much...even the ones who've done it for thirty years...that makes me feel better. Also they all talk about how much their husbands and kids ask of them and that makes me truly appreciate the single life. I don't have someone expecting me home or asking me to get out of my planning book...i come home to a quiet and empty little home and i have to admit it that i enjoy more than i ever thought i would. Seriously, God was right when he told me i wasn't ready for a relationship. He's so good.

So today at school was better. I'm not nearly as exhausted and the students were better behaved. They listened better and are starting to see the routine a little bit better. We have 17 boys and 7 girls. It's a lot of boys but i can tell it'll be a blast. Tomorrow my teacher has to go to the funeral and so i'm in charge of the class for a few hours. I am excited to early get the students to see me as their teacher. They are so fun and a constant surprise.

It'll take awhile to get used to being called "Ms. Locker" but i like it.

Fill a bucket today, k?

BUCKET FILLERS
Have You Filled a Bucket Today? The idea of Bucket Fillers is based on the book "Have You Filled A Bucket Today? (A Guide to Daily Happiness For Kids)" by Carol McCloud. The premise of the book is this...

We all carry an invisible bucket that contains our feelings. When our bucket is full, we feel great. When our bucket is empty, we feel sad. A bucket filler is someone who says or does nice things for other people. By doing this, they are filling other people's buckets and filling their own bucket at the same time.

On the other hand, a bucket dipper says or does things to cause other people to feel bad. A bucket dipper empties their bucket when they say and do mean things.

In our classroom, each student has a bucket on our Bucket Filler bulletin board. Everyone is encouraged to fill the buckets by writing kind words and compliments to each other. At the end of the week, we empty the buckets and read the nice things our friends left for us when they filled our buckets.

the looooooongest weekend!

2009-09-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

So this weekend i had to go to Spring Arbor for a seminar. I stopped by home to visit with my family and it was a great visit. My step dad and i got along and actually held a civil conversation and if you know me...you know how huge that is. I got the car packed and headed out. I got about a half hour away from home and my car overheated and died. After waiting along the side of a road for what seemed like forever but was actually (only) two hours a nice stranger stopped by and let me call home. My step dad came and pulled me back home. We looked at the car to discover that the starter went out and so we got a new one and then the next day i tried once again to head to Spring Arbor only to have history repeat itself. However this time i had a cell phone. Yes you just read that correct: I, Kris Locker, have a cell phone. My mom completely freaked out that i was stranded in the middle of nowhere for two hours without any help went out and bought me a prepaid cell phone and put minutes on it. She is going to put about 100 minutes a month on it for me for the traveling and such. So this time i called home and had them get me...again. At this point i had officially lost it and was crying when they came to get me. My uncle looked at it and said it was the alternator so we changed that and last night at 8pm i turned the key and my stomach dropped as it only made the *click click click* sound.

So after a few hundred dollars and two days of missing important meetings and sessions i talked it over with my mom and she decided to drop me off. By the time we got things around, found babysitters, etc it was nearing after midnight. I told her that i could wait until morning but she insisted she would get me there this morning for my teacher in-services all day. So i finally rolled in at 3:30 gave my mom an official tour of my cabin and unpacked the truck. I went to the office to see if my teacher had emailed me and then went to bed. I finally fell asleep at 4 and woke up to get ready at 7. I woke up pretty exhausted and got ready for the day. I borrowed a camp van and drove to Pine River HS and sat through a day of meetings, lectures and presentations. I met a lot of the teachers in the area and talked to my principal.

I am so glad to be back. I am thankful to God that this all happened only 30 minutes from my mom's house and that my step dad was in a good mood and actually civil toward me. Although this was so frustrating and emotionally exhausting God had his hand on it. He is so good. so good.

My mom just called and said the new started apparently shorted out when it over heated the second time and we have to replace it and the radiator is bad. Hopefully *praying hard* it can be fixed and be dropped off back to me on Monday (my one and only day off for awhile) :)

That it...my long weekend. A weekend of crying, praying, crying and praying. Oh and praying, praying, praying. It was a very spiritual weekend for me.

Kris

student teaching...almost here

2009-08-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

WARNING: a vast majority of my post after this point will be about teaching, cute kid stories, etc. So if you're not "into the education stuff" you'll probably be pretty bored with my journal...you've been pre-warned!

Today i went in to do some pre-planning for the fall. My teacher and i get along so well she is just great. She is organized, likes group work, and loves loves loves English and stuff. It makes me feel a lot better that she's not thrilled with math either: i'm not alone :0)! We were talking and she said i'll be teaching in October and then i looked down and saw the word "Pirate" and i thought there is no way that says that cause that would be AMAZING. Sure enough in October i will be teaching a thematic unit on Pirates. Oh my gosh, so excited. It ends with Halloween where we all dress up like pirates...i am so pumped you have no idea! My first teaching experience and i get a sweet theme like pirates...is God good or what?!?

I truly am so psyched about it. And i found this resale shop in town and got nice dress/ teacher type clothes for 2-3 dollars. Woah! Life is just good. I am so excited for what God has in store for me in the next few months. I was just thinking today about how much I've gone through and how far i've come in a year. It's amazing.
HE is amazing!

I am off on vacation next week and i am so pumped for that as well. I am going to sleeeeeeep, read, sleeeeeeeeep, eat, sleeeeeeeeeep, sit in the hammock, sleeeeeeeeep, hopefully drink some coffee, and above else i will sleeeeeeeep!

That is all and YES I am excited!
Kris

a quick update....

2009-08-06T06:13:00.001-07:00

This week is Woodside rental group at camp. I have enjoyed getting to know some of the staff a little bit better :0). Some i already knew well, while others not so much. I have been a slave to the climbing tower and flying squirrel and i am thrilled to announce that this morning is my last flying squirrel session....*note the huge grin upon my face* :0).

In other news i feel like garbage. Usually when i feel like this it's my body's way and more than often God's way of telling me to slow down and take a breather. So i have been napping and this week is a good week to nap since i have a lot of down time. I am so tired and have man voice each morning.....gewd times! Today is the last program day and then i have two weeks "off." The first week I will be going to the Elementary each day to begin organization for the semesters. Then the next week is a mystery to me. Maybe vacationing maybe sleeping at camp all week. Either way week number two will be a lot of sleeping and doing nothing. NOTHING. :0)

I think you are great, especially you!
Pray for me...it's never a bad idea!
Kris

submissions and servanthood

2009-07-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

Camp is done and it's always hard for me. Hard to see so many people I lived with two months go but this year is harder for than any other one. Usually i would be up here for a few rentals and then off to my life. My life of school work, living with my roommate (who i loved living with cause we worked so great together), and being involved on campus...that is not happening this year. I am staying here. Slowly people are leaving and telling me about what the fall holds for them. Don't get me wrong this is not a "woe is me". I am blessed beyond what i can understand right now.

I have a place to live, a place that i love and a place i can call home. I have to honestly say i don't think i've ever had a place i could call home. I've either lived at school, or with my mom's boyfriend (whichever one it was at the time). I am so pumped to have a place to call home and to feel wanted and loved.

Okay back to the summer. This summer for me was very hard but by the end of the summer i was astounded by how much i had grown in my walk with Christ. It's hard to believe anyone can grow that much. Only few people knew my internal struggle all summer. I cried a lot, prayed a lot and leaned on JESUS to fulfill all my needs. He began to teach me about submission and servant hood. Prior to camp he taught me the beauty of the unknown service and the little things we do to serve others. Whether that would be a little note or picking up trash so the next person wouldn't have to. At camp he taught me what being joyful always really truly means and how to submit to doing something even if it's not how i felt. So every time i made a copy, refilled the clipboards at the waterfront, wrote down a list for the SMTs or even grabbed an extra cookie for someone it was an act of service to Jesus. He taught me a lot about laying aside my wants and desires and following after him. Laying down what i think is right for me and allowing him to take control.

I have no clue wh at this next year hold and for me there is nothing more thrilling. When you have nothing and no clue where you're going you have no choice but to follow him with your whole body, soul, mind and being. NO CHOICE.

So to those of you who worked with me this summer thanks for allowing me to serve you and for letting me see God's character in you. God is so amazing and i love you all so much more than i could ever begin to describe. I am here if you ever need to talk or have something you want me to pray about.

Kris

a day off....time to update!

2009-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have the day off so I’m sitting in Cadillac, Mi at one of my fave coffee shops: drinking coffee and chilling. I have been here since about 12:30 and am nowhere near ready to leave yet. I love that feeling. The non-rushed feeling. There are a variety of thoughts bouncing around this head of mine. I’ll try to somehow organize them cause well that’s who I am. I am organized girl even on my day off :0)

Let’s start with camp and how I am so incredibly blessed. God has been teaching me how to each day is a new start and how to trust him in EVERYTHING. That the little things he had me give up in the school year has just flowed into the big things I need to trust him with such as relationships (or lack thereof) and finances and basically the future. He has been so good to me. Part of me fears that I will wake up and realize it’s all a dream and that at the end of the summer I have to move back home *that would be a nightmare friends*. I know that is crap and I tell Satan that he is a jerk and that God’s plans are so much bigger and better than my own. HE is so good.

On to God lessons. Last Sunday I was in church and Pastor Jack was speaking on emotional baggage and how we have to let it go. This hit me two fold.

First of all I was holding on to my baggage and using it as an excuse to not date or want to date. I must admit I’ve often thought about dating but the fear of having to open up to another person about my past baggage and my family scares the crap out of me and I don’t want to be that vulnerable to another person, especially a male who in my life seems to be the ones who are the best at hurting me so much deeper than any girl. I know this is crap. It is and that is why I gave up this thinking and realized it’s not my fear but Satan throwing my past crap back into my face and calling it “being cautious or guarding my heart”. He’s an idiot. Enough said.

The second one was that I became heavily burdened for my family. They have so much baggage and they just are so lost and don’t know the freedom that is in Christ. They see it in me but cannot understand or grasp the concept. They are my mission field and I love them more deeply then they’ll ever ever know. They will always be apart of who I am and in my heart. They will always be first after Jesus. If they need food I’ll provide, if they need a place to crash and I have my own place they have ultimate dibbs, if they need someone to talk to it doesn’t matter when they know they can call me. God has put me into this family and it’s sad that it took me so long to see why. I am there to serve them and attend their needs and to show them what authentic Christianity looks like. They know the Bible and they know “Christians” but unfortunately their view hasn’t been very positive. God created me a stubbornness and rough exterior to stick through tough time and I believe that is why I am still a Christian among all the trials we faced as a family. When churches treated us like crap and asked us to leave the church. Oh I could go into a long rant but won’t. If you want that rant talk to me sometime and I’ll go into how badly of a witness my introductory church was!

I am letting go. Two weeks ago it was revealed to me that the guy that I liked and I thought maybe he liked me back wasn't interested. God is teaching me to be content with my single hood and it’s hard but it’s what God wants for me at this time. I finally got the answer I wanted. Maybe not “the answer I wanted” but I wanted an answer. My joy is in the LORD and that is not in circumstances. I’m trying to live out Philippians out. If I could turn off my emotions I would but God is teaching me how having feelings aren’t a sin but what you do with them can lead to sin.

All this to say I am extremely blessed right now and God is teaching me so much.

How's that for an update?
Kris

tooth update!

2009-05-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

So i went to the dentist and here's the deal: i had a root canal done on a tooth about five years ago. Apparently on Monday an infections surfaced at the bottom of the tooth and spread. This caused severe pain and swelling of the left side of my face. He told me my options were to pull it or see a specialist. I looked at him in extreme pain and said "i'd rather just pull it". The tooth was so bad it had to be sawed in half and pulled in two parts. Rediculous. He precribed me vicadin, yea :0), and told me that icing the jaw and taking the pain meds will help the swelling. I left feeling pretty good but when the novicane wore off...OUCH. With the help of ice, vicadin and orajel i am feeling oh so much better.

that's my tooth update. It is gone and the sad part is that there will be no tooth fairy giving me a quarter just a pain free mouth. To be honest, the tooth fairy can keep her money and i'll enjoy my pain free mouth and enjoy getting on with my life.

Now it's all camp and i am excited and a little drowsy, just saying.
I am pumped for sleep tonight since in the last 36 hours i've slept a total of 6 hours. Yea sleep.

Night,
Kris

ouch!

2009-05-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

For the last few days i've had a toothache. It started being annoying and i'd take some ibuprofen and ambosol and it relieved it for a while. Then it began to throb in pain and i added icing my jaw to the mix. Then last night the left side of my face began to swell and was throbbing in pain. Oh so much fun. Soon i am heading into Cadillac to see a dentist about said tooth and the infections spreading throughout the left side of my face. I can say that this is probably the worst pain I've felt in a very long time. It may even be worse then when i broke my arm. maybe. I will be excited to have the tooth gone and more excited about pain medication. for real.

In other news i'm at camp and am loving it. I feel like i could have gotten much more accomplished but this tooth issue got in the way. Oh well, what can you do? It's been great to hang out with the group though.

Kris

ONE WEEK!!!!!

2009-05-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today marks one week until i am an offical college graduate! It is hard to describe how that feels. There are a variey of feelings with it. Relief, excitement, apprehension, anxiousness, joy, fear...just to name a few. As much as i am the first to run away from comfort: this is my comfort. Running minstries, taking classes and working part time. Seeing all of my friends in one place and knowing that each night i had a place to run and talk to Bekah about anything going on in my life. College has brought me tears, laughter, confusion, and some of the greatest relationship i'll ever know. I have been so blessed but i know the blessings are far from over.

I'm sure many graduates fight between loving the time we have here but wanting to move on. Honestly, i cannot afford to cling on to this comfort zone any more :0). I am so excited for what the future has for me. Living at camp, student teaching and eventually finding a job. But before all of that i have another week with friends here and then a week with my family and let's not forget....CAMP!!!!!!!!

I am excited yet neverous. One week, it'll fly i just know it.
Good luck on whatever you have to do! :0)

The Graduate (in 7 days)

my thoughts...

2009-05-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

I AM GRADUATING IN TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!!!!!!

things are better...

2009-04-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

It seems to be lately that when i see those closest to me doing well i feel better. Not to say that my happiness comes from other people but it makes me feel better. Like i look past myself, cause it's not all about me, and be joyous for what God is doing in other people's lives. I like this, a lot.

Things for me are looking up. I met with my professor and never actually discussed my assignment but literally talked about the story of my life. Which is funny since one of my most said lines is "story of my life"...she wanted to know me and where i came from, why i choose Special Education, where i was going from SAU, etc. We are meeting again this next week, so we'll see. She was extremely encouraging and that really helped.

I am learning a lot from God lately. I have been reading through Hebrews and he is teaching me so many things, i thought i knew before but now in the tirals i'm going through mean so much more. He is so good.

I'm going to leave you with a song that God always brings to me when i'm going through a hard time....
Kris

----------------------------------------
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
(REPEAT)

Just what the doctor ordered...

2009-04-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

I am so glad i got to go to camp this weekend. It was just the break i wanted and needed. It was a chance to be at one of my favorite places on earth, around a few of my favorite people on earth and just to relax. Now i didn't sleep the whole time, in fact i'm sure this is the shortest amount of sleep i'd gotten all semester but i loved it. I got to be at something i didn't have to plan or run...and that doens't happen at school. Pretty much everything is a meeting i host, a bible study i run or an event i either run or am running with two others. It was nice to help out and not have to do all the work. On Friday i got to do one of my all-time favorite things at camp: star gaze on the soccer field and i saw THREE shooting stars. Which is amazing because usually i can never see them. Wookie and i went and just looked at the stars and talked. As crazy as it sounds it's been a while since we've had one of our chats like that.

This weekend i laughed and laughed. Which i'm learning is extremely good for you :0) Also although i'm not sure how much the boys appreciated it i got a guest cabin to myself. Although it was slightly creepy because it was really quiet, i loved it. I loved just getting some me time in before calling it a day and taking as much time as i needed in the morning was fantastic! This weekend was great, a way to recharge and renew. However it also made me want to be there so badly, i'd give anything to just fast forward and be at camp however i have much to do until then and will focus on that. Yea, for almost being done here! Double yea!

Jesus is good and has a reason and purpose to show me in my last four weeks at SAU, I'm ready to learn and see what HE wants me to.

a new perspective...

2009-04-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend was pretty huge for me. I went home for the first time since Christmas and for the first time in a LONG time i was genuinely excited about going home. This didn't occur over night but over time. It started because i was in Mexico praying about being a missionary down the road and how i wanted a close family and how it broke my heart not to have one. When i got back to school i intentionally called my family just because and i could see how it affected them and they appreciated it. Before i left i prayed about how inadequate i felt being called into missions when i had such a rough upbringing. God called me out and said not only was my family my mission field but they were the stepping stone to those I'd minister to later on in life.

Going home with the mindset that it was where God wanted me to be and that each moment was precious and could eternal rewards was just what i needed. I came with the heart to serve, an ear to listen, and a spirit willing for anything. I left my "woe is me attitude" and it was great. I had meaningful conversations and told my family how much they mean to me. I even got a chance to catch up with an old high school friend who has made some decisions i don't agree with but could share my faith and how that influences things such as choices about sex, education and the future. I never shoved my beliefs on anyone but just gave my point of view.

my "WOAH" moment with God

2009-04-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

So many of you know the story of my home life but if you don't I'll lay it out for you:

I am from a shattered home. It's not broken because it's so far gone and past that. My mom currently lives with her boyfriend who blantly hates me and lets everyone know it. My brother and his girlfriend and their three kids live in a two bedroom trailer with my sister and her 3 year old. We all went to church together when i was in junior high. Unfortunately our family has been through a lot and i was the only stubborn one to see it through. I decided to grab a hold of God and everyone else decided to pack it up and run from God.

So during spring break i was sitting in Mexico people watching to discover that they had something i didn't- a close family unit. I want that so badly. All i wanted to do was to go home and serve my family. To serve them with no questions asked because it's what i love to do. So i decided that for Easter break i was not going to sit in my apartment and catch up on homework or get a head start on final projects but i would go home. My mom was thrilled at the news and supprisingly my brother even offered to pick me up, surprising because usually his response is to ask if i can pitch in for gas which i never mind doing. He's just so excited that i'm coming home i guess. Well for the last few Sundays God has been breaking my heart for my family.

In church i was talking to God before partaking in communion. We had the following conversation, this is the Kris Locker version of course!

He was breaking me for my family and i asked, "God how can you expect me to minister to people in other countries if i cannot even shed light to my family" and God in his strong and loving voice said, "Seriously Kris? Let me ask you this: what is a missions field?" I answered "Somewhere that needs the saving message of Christ. WOAH." God replied "Yep, you finally are getting it" I started to cry and said "You mean my missions field IS home? All this time i've wondered if i wanted to go into missions and there it was right in front of me. I think this is the one time when the missionary actually started going to chruch as the same time as those in their mission field"

So although it's something I've known, it was revealed to me again. My family is my mission field. I have invested in their lives and love them so deeply. They will always be my mission field regardless of where i am or what i'm doing. I have a tie to them and will continue to serve them and be their light until the day they too hear from God and decide to listen.

we serve such an amazing God!

Mexico was muy bueno!

2009-03-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

I went to Mexico and it was so amazing. God showed up in so many unexpected ways. Let me say first off that i cried more during this trip than i have cried ever before. On the way as i was praying for those in Mexico that i would serve and would serve me i became overwhelmed with the idea of the body and Christ and how easily i had lost touch of the body of Christ and God revealed to me that he was going to do some huge things in me. He showed up the minute i was in Mexico. I joked with some of the girls that i am convinced God speaks Japanese/Spanish because i hear him clearer when i am in Mexico or Japan. Here i am unsure of what he wants me to do because i get so wrapped up in myself and technology, etc. We got to the church and the whole church was beaming with joy and clapping as we walked in they all hugged us and welcomed us to Mexico. It was overwhelming and i cried not a lot but enough. They had so much love even before they knew us and they were full of the love of Christ. We went to check out the work site and then they fed us at our "eating house" a block away. After dinner of chicken tacos a few college age guys played guitar and then handed it off to one of our guys and they took turns playing worship songs. It was great.

A few things about Mexican culture. I'm sure you've heard of "Mexican time" i love this concept. Just in case you haven't they work at their own pace. We never ate at the same time except for breakfast. We would work until we got what we wanted to get done accomplished then we'd eat lunch and sit around and enjoy each other's company and rest for 30-45min. then go back to work until we got enough done or the light was gone. Two things i will take back about their culture is that they are relational and appreciative. In church they are grateful for things such as: God providing food that week, their child no longer being sick because they don't have a doctor or even that they had the strength to walk to church. They love to be around each other they spend a lot of their time around one another and talking and investing in lives. They are also so giving, material possessions mean nothing to them. I have two great examples of this: 1) One of the girls on the trip commented on how she liked her host mom's necklace and she took it off her neck and gave it to her. She didn't think twice about it. 2) one of the girls asked for seconds and the pastor took one of the two tacos and handed it to her. When she realized what was going on she said "Oh no, i couldn't take your dinner" and he said "God gave me the gift of food and i want you to have this". She already had plenty but there was no way she was going to talk him out of it.

I am back now. Not really sure where to go from here. My heart is in Mexico and wants to be relational and to have time for people and to give up my love of material possessions. However my body is here trying to catch up on homework, seeing friends and ministries. I hope to bring some of the lessons back from Mexico and apply it here but for now i'm going to seek what God wants me to do here and try to rest it up.

Oh back to God tearing down walls...through this experience God revealed to me that he wants me to do missions. I don't know when or how but after i student teach he wants me to go into educational missions. I am so excited because i love to travel and want to do missions so badly but wanted it to be his calling on my life and not my own.

There are my scattered thoughts. still processing.
Kris

optmism...

2009-03-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been long, hard and stretching. I have stressed out a lot, sick and slept through an alarm clock because my body is just tired and weak. This weekend i had some time to soul search and dropped two things off my plate. Well technically i dropped one and the other will be over once i get back from break. However after break i'll have some more free time that should help relieve some. Anyways the purpose of this was to share some insight into some amazing things happening in my life. I am so excited to serve in Mexico. Whenever life seems to run me down serving others is a great alternative for me. Pushing aside myself and serving another always helps me to get over myself long enough to help someone else and it gives me the feeling as if i'm doing something of value. I got a taste of this last Thursday when my apartment was filled with transfers who i served pancakes to. To serve them through the infamous pancake event got me so pumped for serving and working in Mexico. I am so excited. This is one of my highlights. I was looking through my Mexico journal from last year and got so excited when remembering what was going on a year ago. I have grown so much from that trip and am so excited to see the growth that will occur this time.

I have had two amazing things happen in the last few days and these are God telling me that he hears my crys and is carrying me during these stressful and times i am too weak to walk.

1. I nearly bawled when i heard this. My mom called and we were catching up and i asked how my little brother is. He's 12 and is like a child to me, I babysit him most of his life, coached him through hard times, etc. Well she said he's been going to church twice a week and is really excited about God and reading his bible everyday. I cannot tell you how this made me feel. I'm feeling tears coming as i write this now, just to think that someone else in my family is falling in love with Jesus is something i've been praying for since i became a Christian at 13.

2. I was in a meeting today with School of Education due to concerns for my student teaching semester. I won't go into details but i went in to the meeting fully prepared for my rough classes and that i'll be professional and successful during student teaching. I didn't have to. They told me they wanted me to be aware of their concerns and that if it doesn't work i'd have to come back to SAU. Then the one said, "Kristeen we want you to know that your semester in Japan is one of the main reasons we know you can do this. That semester you took three online classes and were extremely successful. That and your adding a psychology major when you didn't need to speaks volumes and that is why your petitions have been granted." I had a HUGE WEIGHT lifted from my shoulders. I often get frustrated and think Why am i still here, why is it taking so much longer than others. God, why did you call me to Japan and then add a minor and end up here two years longer. I got my answer...it was what i needed for God to take me to the next stage in life.

GOD IS GOOD!
Wish i could say that i am fine and everything is looking up. Things are a bit low right now but i know there is a hill coming soon. Life is a roller coaster but my goal is to get to the end and say, "What a ride!"

2009-03-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

my day started off feeling like this:

If you do not know the story i beg you to listen to it. It is one of my favorite childrens books. So great. Here's the deal with being in a bad mood. As someone who is optimistic and usually happy i feel as though there is something wrong with me when i'm not in a good mood. I feel as though a part of me is missing but remind myself that even saints have their off days. I tend to be rude to people who cannot take a hint and see that I'm not having a good day and i feel like crap being mean but am only like that on my off days.

Things got better. My roommate and Katie cheered me up at lunch but once i got back to my apartment seeing my awaiting pile of homework, the pile of dishes and having an aching ear my mood just stayed for awhile. Later on when the dishes were done and the homework pile was dented a little Nate got online and made me laugh and that was much needed. I am saying "sayonara" to this day and feeling hopeful for tomorrow and so excited for this weekend when i get a pre-break and go to Kalamazoo for the weekend.

Oh and in ONE WEEK i head out to Mexico. I am itching to travel and am so sick of papers and discussions. I want to serve (and teach) and am tired of talking about it, i dont enjoy simply talking about something i enjoy the action after. I am so ready for this semester to be over and to be a college graduate and free from SAU :0)
However until then i'll enjoy going to Mexico and serving my Lord there!

some thoughts

2009-02-28T19:26:00.001-08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the future, this summer, graduation. My heart stirs for something more than Spring Arbor. More than books, papers, iPods and dare i say it *gasp* facebook. I have been praying about opportunities out there to teach internationally. There is something in my soul that loves to serve other in other countries. Many see me as anti-american and maybe i am, not sure. I do laugh when i hear people referring to America as the greatest country in the world and like to ask them if they have visited other countries to base such a large statement on. I've only been in two countries other than America and i sorely disagree with said statement. Anyway back from the bunny trail i am hoping that God will answer some questions when i return to Mexico in thirteen days (woot woot) and i am so excited to serve his people down there. I dont know how explain it but there is something spirtually and fulfilling serving those you cannot speak to because you truly see that love is not spoken in English, it has no language barrier. How cool is that? Seriously everyone should experience that! I was not built to be comfortable and stable and maybe that means i should travel the world teaching children and loving on people, i dont know.

Currently i'm reading Wild At Heart and Captivating By John (& Staci) Eldredge. For one of the small groups i'm in we are reading both and comparing them and discussing them as a group of mature Christian men and women. Tomorrow is the first time we'll be sharing and meeting. I am excited. In reading the books i find it somewhat disturbing that i identify with the guys...not to say i don't dream of my wedding or that that prince will persue me. However i much rather venture into the woods or to some exotic place...maybe that's me being "not your average girl" i don't know.

So Monday morning ends my facebook fast. I was going to fast lunches but the day after got the worst cold i've had in a long time and decided that being sick and depriving myself of nutrition probably wasn't all that wise. I find that 99% of my e-mails are from facebook. I found myself going there in habit of checking e-mails but never signed in. I have prayed a lot and each time i got an email from facebook or thought about facebook. I can't say i have missed facebook, it was almost one less thing to worry about this last week. Today i was in Alltel and the guy was trying to sell a blackberry phone and he said the follow, no joke: "You can go on the internet and check your facebook, you have one don't you?" Seriously, when you say the internet facebook is the first that comes to mind, really?

Lastly i've stumbled upon Barlow Girls, not literally although that would be pretty amazing. Ha! You ever have those bands in your iTunes and it take a long to time to listen to them again, well if not it happens to me. I used to make my jr. high campers listen to a few songs about self image and lately i've found myself loving their lyrics. so great.

the end or as Strongbad says "It's Over"

fasting and praying

2009-02-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

In 17 days i am heading to Mexico for my spring break missions trip. To be honest i haven't put much thought into the trip with my semester starting and me hitting the ground running and all. Last night we paused and discussed preparing our hearts through fasting and praying. In praying i asked not what i could give but what i should give. Not what i want to give but what i need to give. Facebook was the one that came first. Now not to say this will be easy but it can be something i give up and during my usual facebook time i would do homework and that truly isn't the purpose of a fast so to accompany my facebook fast i am also fasting lunches. Each time i think about eating or it is my lunch time i will pray and focus on my trip. It is day one of my lunch fasting and i have prayed a lot. I dont think we as Americans know what real hunger is. I know that is unwise and unhealthy to give up food in general which is why i gave up my lunches. Another reason i choose lunch is that is my social meal. I can sit in my apartment skipping dinner and work on homework and not think about it but lunch is a specific time i sit with friends and talk about life, etc. Not eating then will remind me why i'm fasting and thus give me opportunities to pray. Also when my stomach growls from hunger i can be reminded of those who don't get three meals a day and to pray for them as well.

I am excited to see what God has to show me this week through this and in preparing my heart for being served and serving in Obregon, Mexico.

I love to travel and my heart is full of so much joy, excitement yet preparing to be broken for Jesus once again while there.

Kris.

25 and content

2009-02-20T15:31:00.001-08:00

The last few days have been so amazing. I have been so blessed by so many people. I have been reflecting over the last few days about my life: how far i've come, where i'm going...but before i go into that let me tell you how my birthday and post-birthday was.

Birthday: now if a flooded wall on facebook wasn't enough i had such a great birthday. I woke up to find a candy bar and a birthday banner in my kitchen left by the one and only roommate o mine! I recieved a bday poem on the door from Betsy and got a ton of birthday greetings on campus and during the class I am a T.A. a group of student leaders and faculty sang to me :0) Then Casey Butler got me the best gift ever, DAVID CROWDER BAND :0). I went into town before the concert and got the mP3 player and Wall-e i ordered with the giftcard dad sent me. Yea! The concert was oh so amazing. The first hour or the doors being openend i worked the concession stand for Mexico and had tons of people stop by to say happy birthday. After the sweet awesome concert I headed back to my apartment to find five birthday voicemails on my phone and had ten people over for cake. No joke it was fun and crazy. After stumbling upon Carpenter and other GR "friends" lies that became the joke and conversation peice all night. After a few had left Mel stopped by and handed me a hand made card that had Crowder's signature in it with a birthday message to me. So cool. Everyone went home and i did dishes and crashed. Oh and in between all these great time i got an email that said there's a great possibility that i will be living at camp after i graduate. There a few details to work out but it sounds promosing and i am so excited to see how that pans out.

Post-Birthday: I had a three girls who used to live on Alpha 2 with me yesterday stop by with pizza, cheesy bread, salad and even carrots and we had another birthday celebration. We played scum (they called it jerk) and it was a blast. We laughed, ate, played card...so great.

Reflections: I have come a long way in 25 years. I have come to know the love of Christ and have become his servant instead of thinking that i am here to be served i know i am here to serve. I have authentic and genuine friends. People who love and will be there for me regardless of what life throws my way. I have been given the gift of a college education and the passion and love for teaching children most are annnoyed with. I have also been a part of a christian community. Before SAU the only christians i knew were from church. I know what it looks like to live your faith daily and what to strive to become one day. I have worked at camp where i have such great friends who are in love with Jesus and understand me better than most people in my life.

I am so excited to see where God takes me. Take a look at the subject it's true. I am content and 25. One of my friends was picking on me today and was like "how are you 25 and single?" I laughed and said "By God's grace." It's no mistake that i'm single. God has been doing work in me so that i can bless my future relationship in using all that i've gained in my past and even lately in my life. I am happy with life and cannot wait to see what's around the corner.

Kris

short and sweet

2009-02-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

I am dang tired for Monday is rediculously long this semester so i'm just gonna say something:

I am turning 25 in two days and i have to say that i feel blessed. God has given me so much and taught me so much. I am content and more in love with Christ then ever before. I am truly and authentically happy where i am. Completely content with where God has me right now.

God is good and he has blessed with with fantastic friends like you. I love you.

single, birthday and weekend!

2009-02-13T06:33:00.000-08:00

Single but not diseased
So lately i have been getting so much pressure to date or dish on who i like. Okay so i realize that Wookie's birthday is this weekend which also happens to be national Hallmark buy-someone-you-love-something-because-we-say-so (aka Valentines Day). I get that this is supposed to be a time to talk about your feelings and whatever. I am tired of defending myself for being single. It's not a disease, chronic or otherwise, i don't have the symptoms for loneliness, depression or feeling all alone. For the very first time i am extremely happy with who i am. I say this not to say i am planning on being a singleton forever just to say that i am happy where i am. I'm in a good place. If something were to happen where i would start a relationship/courtship (or whatever you kids are calling it now days) i would be okay with that. I am content and content at the idea of change. Sound confusing but it's true.

Birthdays
So i am turning 25 in six days or something like that. I am excited not only for my birthday but that i get to see David Crowder and hang out with some friends :0). Yea, I'm pretty dang excited about that. I'm not one who is huge into my birthday because I'm not one for the spotlight i like things like back stage, copier room and sound board where you don't get the spotlight yet you serve. That's me. I'm not sit in the middle of the stage and talk you pretty much guarantee that most of the day on my birthday I'll be red in face from embarrassment. When i used to eat in the dc my friends would bring in a cake and the whole place would sing to me and my friends would comment every year on what shade of pink I'd be. true story.

El Weekend
This weekend i am a busy bee which is appropriate with the semester i've been in. I actually am about three days ahead just so i can stay afloat next week. Before i go into my weekend let me just say that i run from Monday at 10am until Tuesday at 8:30pm i have about four hours where i do homework for the next days. It's crazy. Anyways back to this weekend. Tonight I'm going to Kalamazoo with Bekah. We are going to a h.s. basketball game and then tomorrow bridesmaid shopping and then looking at floral shops i am so excited. I love going home with her! Then tommorrow night after our return to SAU (Wookie's birthday...wooot) Michelle, Laura, hopefully Wookie and myself will get together and celebrate our birthdays! We tend to get together and celebrate Wook and my birthday all in one night. It's always a good time. I'm excited to see them :0) I haven't had much time for friends lately unless it's on the computer but it's just not the same!

ok well i need to finish packing so i can leave!
Have a great weekend friends!

update time i suppose...

2009-02-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

The last week has been a blurr a long exhausting blurr. I hope it's not a preview of what my last semester will be like only time will tell! My worst day is Monday so don't be too shocked if i am on long enough to check e-mail on that day! I have four classes but they are the last classes in my major and minors so they are tedious and will be keeping me busy up until Graduation! I'm also a t.a. (for a class which is for the future student leaders), am involved in three small groups and on a spring break mission team. It was nice knowing you...just kidding. Let's just say that being bored is a thing of the past! I feel like i'm constantly running somewhere so when i get back to the apartment and have to open those books all i want to do is crash on my bed. However i have set some goals for myself this semester to keep me disciplined and those are going well so far. I get up earlier than i have to and give God at least the first half hour of my day although most days it ends up being an hour :0) I am enjoying it a lot.

Well this weekend was adventerous and a good time. Friday Bekah and I went into town for some much needed groceries and then later that night we had roommie family feud night. It was a great time :) We download a free trial of family feud and we get pretty into it. it's a great time. Then we chat it up while watching tv online or tv on dvd :):):)

On Saturday we traveled to a wedding and got so lost that we missed the ceremony but made it just in time for the reception. It was a bit of a drag to miss the ceremony but she understood. I saw pictures and they did a foot washing ceremony where they both participated and that's something i think is so incredible. The conversation in the car was interesting and most of the time i was debating with the only boy present about my beliefs with male initiation. He thinks i need to be more obvious to boys and i disagreed openly. It was interesting, to say the least.

i thought this was hilarious. enjoy please.

well i hope life is well and know that although i am busy i do love you.
all of you.
even you.
Kris

my soapbox

2009-02-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am going to go on a soapbox and you can agree, disagree, or discontinue reading or whatever but this is something that truly bothers me beyond unorganized teachers.

Today we had a chapel speaker. I usually cut them a break because it's hard to speak in front of at least 1,000 students: i get nervous in front of a peer group of 20 or so. However today i was just ticked right off. The speaker came up and starting talking about his struggles growing up and being in college. Then he made statements of blindness such as "People at my college struggled with drugs and alcohol but i know that isn't an area of concern on this campus" and "I can see that everyone just loves Jesus here". Okay let's take one statement at a time.

*Stepping onto the soapbox*
People at SAU don't have a problem with drugs or alcohol
Okay let's remind ourselves of Genesis and how we are a fallen world. Christian or not we have sinners at our school. We are not safe from addiction and cycles of way wrong choice. We've had students in abusive relationships, drinking problems, drug addictions, issues in pornography. I do understand that it's a Christian institution but what Christian institution doesn't have sinners who go there. One things that i love about my school is that we recognize there are struggling students. We have things put in place to help people with addictions however to dismiss it and to pretend like our struggles are only time management and to find a spouse is absolutely rediculous.

Everyone loves Jesus here
Okay once again we are a Christian school and yes i get that. First of all there is a difference between loving Jesus and being a Christian. It's sad but true. I was a Christian for five years before i understood what it meant to truly love Jesus and to be in love with him enough to change my life to what he wanted for me. It was difficult, lonely and emotionally wearing but i would do it all over again because i know that in the long run God is faithful and knows what's best for me. Secondly not everyone comes here because they love Jesus and def. most of the people in chapel wouldn't go if they didn't have to.

*stepping off soap box*

I absolutely love chapel but if it were a choice i would probably be sitting in my room typing up papers, reading chapters or heck sleeping! I'm being honest, i love chapel and through it God has taught me the importance of having a mind of your own and really diving into the scriptures the speaker gives out and seeing for yourself. I am blessed by chapel, truly.

Those are my thoughts. Feel free to disagree...
Kris

spring semester

2009-01-29T16:27:00.001-08:00

So today struck an odd feeling in me. I am four classes away from graduation. weird. My morning class was canceled so i got the opportunity to hang out with Don, Nate and D Wag who came to promote the camp. At lunch i had to leave to a class I'm a teacher aide for and was saying goodbye to the guys and Don asked when we'd see each other again. Then D Wag says, "maybe we'll get to come to your graduation." At that moment it hit me that this was my last semester at S.A.U. :0). It's weird to think that after a few months I'll be done here and will be moving onto student teaching! I love this place but am so excited to graduate and start the next part of my life.

J term is over and that is a sad day because it was restful and i miss it already :0).

camp and stuff

2009-01-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

So i am exhausted and about to lay down again but i thought i'd update you on life happenings.

Last Undergraduate Semster:
Spring is starting soon and i am excited to embark on my last semester as an undergrad but at the same time i absolutely love my free time and pleasure reading. I've been reading a lot about purposeful marriage and it's really gotten my heart opened to the idea of somewhere down the road being married. I'm not saying in a few months but years down the road. I'm a complicated being, after all!

The Future *dun dun dun dun*
I had my student teacher interview and we are looking for placements in the Cadillac area. If you are unaware Cadillac is where camp is located. I have been talking to my director about my homelife and how i need to be on my own and going home isn't an option. He said that if i got placed in the area for student teaching that we'd figure out housing. In my interview he said it's be a stretch but we'd see what we can do! woo hoo! If not i'll be in spring arbor living with someone, anyone who will take in a stray ;0). I'm excited to see where God takes me. I'm even more excited to be living somewhere where close by (either camp or school) I have a famiy of believers there.

My name's Kris and I'm addicted to CAMP
This weekend i went to camp to volunteer for a retreat. Initially i wasn't planning on going but Casey mentioned going and i asked if i could get a ride and it worked out. I am so glad i went. It was a mini reunion with around 10 summer staff, not to mention another 10 or so who were campers and another 5 who hung out during the day. Friday night i stayed up until 3 am talking to Lauren about home and then Saturday went to bed at 3:30am cause i was hanging with the guys and talking about what it would be like if Jesus worked at camp. Highly entertaining conversation especially having it so late at night :0). Camp truly has become so much more than a summer hang out or job. It is a family for me. Each time i come back my boss says "Welcome Home" and i get a feeling like it truly is home for me. Even with all my years at SAU it's never felt like home but a place to be productive, i have made many friends and i love to serve here but camp is like home and i love being there.

Well sleep needs to happen, i think i finally got my fever to go down...i really need to work tomorrow as it's my last day for j term :)

Good times.

Kris

I write a lot...happy 50th post!

2009-01-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have had tons of time lately to sit and think. This can be good and bad- good because there are things I need to work on and bad because I don't want to dwell on it too much. God has been working on me and i have come to various conclusions.

1. Life is a mystery and i would have it no other way. I like that my life is in God's hands and that i have no idea what each day holds. Yes i know the classes and meetings i have but i don't know all that happenings each day which work together to fulfill what God wants for my life.

2. God has built me strong but he is still in construction. It seems that once i've learned to be content with life happenings something happens to remind me that i am still a work in progress. God will be working on me all my life but the important thing is that he will never give up and that each time i learn something about Him and myself and become stronger and closer to Him. All in all these are worth it in the end. God is amazing and i am humbled everyday that he would take an interest in my life.

3. I am starting my last semester of college and right now the only emotion tied to that is excitement. I know that once it gets closer I will start to feel sad and know how much I'll miss this place but for now I'm going to work each day to finish my college career as strong as possible. I have worked long and hard for this and am so excited to see where it takes me.

4. I am truly loving life. There are lows and that's a reality. I am surrounded by people who truly care about me and am growing in my relationship with Jesus. I am getting really pumped for my missions trip to Mexico and as the time gets closer my heart is started to break for the people in Mexico i will be working with and meeting while there working.

Seriously, last week was very tough for me however i am just loving life. I am content with how life is going and am excited for the things ahead for me. I am learning to let go of things and to step away from over analyzing and see things at face value.

these are my thoughts.
Kris

my hilarious computer...

2009-01-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

My computer caught a virus and has been freaking out. The guy who works in the computer technology services gave me a website and apparently it won't load on my computer. I was trying to delete some programs and unplugged my computer from the internet. I decided to try to watch a movie on my computer and after about twenty minutes or so my computer fast forwarded to the end of the movie and the movie player closed. If that wasn't weird enough my iTunes opened and then i closed it and as i was walking away to get something from the kitchen i heard something coming from my computer i came in hearing quite loudly that my computer was playing the song "Undignified" and i just starred at my computer with nothing opened and laughed. I had to laugh, it's such an amazing experience. I mean of all the songs to be played it was a christian song. I have needed a laugh and the week has thrown me some curve balls. I laughed pretty hard and heard myself utter, "Thank you JESUS, thank you. Just thank you!"

I am headed up to camp on Friday and i am so excited. I really miss my friends and family!

Kris

it's raining, it's pouring...

2009-01-15T14:24:00.001-08:00

I have been pretty low for the last few days. I have been praying for the truth to be revealed and when it did it wasn't very pretty and was extremely hard to swallow but it was the truth. It had been obvious that i had exchanged the truth for a lie and need to adjust my life accordingly, it's sucks but it is what it is. Today was better i was getting used to this and then home called *sigh* Initially they called because my brother couldn't find a PS2 game and thought i swiped it. I ended up finding out that my mom moved back in with her boyfriend. Let me explain that this is not a happy reunion. In fact my stomach turned when my brother told me and then when shock turned to denial handed off the phone to my sister to confirm. This is the guy who emotionally and verbally abused me for seven years and who drove me to counseling because i was so low on myself, this is who my mother is choosing to live with. If that weren't enough they moved over a week ago. According to my sister it never occurred to call me and tell me what was going on, she just figured i'd find out eventually.

So here i am socked, hurt and angry. I am unsure of how to feel. No wonder i am so freaked out when it comes to relationships, look at the example put before me. I had some time to mull it over and i think i'm okay with it. I am dissapointed that my mom felt that her loneliness was worth living with a man who on several occasions has openly admitted to dispising her daughter. According to my sister everything is going well he's off drugs, not yelling and they are doing well. In my heart i know that this "okay" is not going to last long and they will be right back where they were. My mom knows how i feel about him and knows i cannot subject myself to that abuse any longer.

Sorry for being such a downer. I know God has this all worked out and that he is teaching me through this, maybe the lesson is that i need to find someone who treats me as God has deemed that i deserve: a lesson learned from the past!

God Date...

2009-01-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

So yesterday i was in the crummiest of moods. I talked to Mike Carpenter for awhile and came to the realization i needed some quality time with God. I had the apartment to myself so I took out the time to spend time with the one who holds me heart. So i worshiped, read, journaled, prayed and listening and listened some more. There were tears and many of them. After spending three weeks in a two bedroom trailer with nine others time alone and with my savior was amazing and needed. My heart has been heavy with a few different things which are going on with me. I most definitely needed to let go of something and was probably in the crummy mood because i knew that. Afterward i felt much better and i knew that my decision was wise and am grateful to have such an intense savior to serve. He is so much more than i deserve.

Today Laura picked me up and we braved the storm to Jackson. It was quality time and I appreciated it. I can tell her things I cannot tell many people so we talked about my decision. It was nice to talk to someone who knows me very well. I miss that.

Thursday two great things happened. One was the safe return of Nate, Kait and Rachel and i was thankful. The second was that Mike Carpenter came to Spring Arbor so i took the liberty of rounding up the Arborites to hang out. It started out with Mel, Bethany, Laura, Wook, Casey, Sarah, Eric and myself. Then Mel, Bethany, Eric and Sarah left and the rest of us sat around and talked. We decided that we would go to Wook's and then meet Chuck and Cassies for 1/2 off appetizers. We had such a blast and i don't think i've laughed that hard in a long time. It was a great time.

looking back

2009-01-08T20:40:00.000-08:00

So i just got done with a survey looking back to 2008! In doing this i decided to look back at some livejournal entries i wrote and i truly haven't changed too much. I've learned to trust God more deeply and i have fallen more in love with him. I have learned a lot more about myself. So the two topics i journaled about to start 2008 were why singleness was looked down upon and affording college. Still things i am working on. I could go on a rant about the joy of singlehood but i don't feel that i need to. I am content where i am but in a "I could stay single or be in a relationship". I could go into it but i won't right now. I am happy where i am. I'll leave it at that.

Kris

two things!

2009-01-07T14:45:00.000-08:00

so i am so excited to be back. I got around for work today only to discover that the school was closed due to snow. At first i was bummed but then i got online and STO was online and then i got a phone call and ended babysitting and making immediate money. I love my tutoring job but money on the spot is rather sweeeeet. So all in all it worked out. I have been so tired so i might go to bed earlier tonight. Okay my two things.

1. Today i was babysitting and usually we watch a movie but today we played games. I played Trouble, Scene It (Disney), Racko and Chutes and Ladder. When Bethy woke from her nap her older sister played online games and we played Chutes and Ladder. I kid you not this game lasted nearly a hour. Every time one of us would get up to the top we would run into one of that nasty chutes. I forgot how much board games can be. Good times.

2. Tonight while i was eating my dinner i was flipping through the channels and i landed on the news. Now lately i haven't watch it because it's been depressing but this made me laugh really hard and i had to blog about it. They were reporting about the gas prices and the anchorman says this, "Raising gas prices has gotten a lot of complaints today and another note is that the lottery tickets are still being sold at every gas station" OK, how do you not laugh at that? I mean he might as well as said if you want to afford gas there's always the chance of winning the lotto! I thought it was hilarious. I'm sure it wasn't intentional but it was amazing :)

That's my thoughts. Well not all of them but the ones i feel comfortable telling the world wide web :0)
Kris

a break or a reminder?

2008-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

Everytime i go home i am stuck between a break and a reminder. I love my family and spending time with them is so precious to me. However each time i am home i find myself thinking about how much i want more for myself. I don't want to have to decided between rent and groceries because the hot water went out again or because the furnace motor went out again. I want to have food in the cupboard and a roof over my head and not have to worry about it. I don't know if this will happen for me but i sure hope so. I want more. More than scraping by and more than just barely making it. I want more.

A year ago today i prayed that God would use my life to effect change and that i would be a light. Over this break i have often wondered if i had reached this goal. I know that we can always do better but was i the light i wanted to be and then i went to Ohio. After seeing my Dad's side of the family and answering my many questions of graduation, student teaching and where i'd like to teach some day i went to my Mom's side of the family. It was pretty remarkable because we had family come from South Dakota for the holiday season. It ended up being a great big family reunion and it was great. I went from a room full of college degrees to a room of former drug addicts. I had one cousin ask me how i was related since i wasn't divorced, drunk or doing drugs. I laughed and said i wasn't sure. Then my aunt starting asking me what i did the conversation when something like this:

Aunt: Do you smoke
Me: no
Aunt: Do you drink
Me: no
Aunt: Do you do drugs
Me: no
Aunt: *after picking on a younger cousin* Have you ever had sex?
Me: no
Aunt: *eyes widen* What DO you do?
Me: ummm a lot of homework?

it makes me sad that i am the only one at my age who is still a proud virgin that my family knows. On that side of the family there are 14 yr olds having sex. This breaks my heart, truly! I think though that this proves that i am shining. It may not seem like much but they are seeing that something is different with the girl who doesn't drink, date no good guys, get married too young or get into drugs. I was sitting and talking with two aunts and two cousins (all girls) and they were talking about their past drug addictions and they were using drugs i had never heard of. They would stop and tell me how they wished they were wise like me and that i had a great head on my shoulders and to be wise from here on out. Then one said to make sure i knew a guy before i slept with him, i reassured her that was NOT a problem.

I love my family. They are so diverse and show that there is a need in America. A need for love and compassion. A need of a light. I made a choice that night to do the little things to show my light. SInce then i have refilled glasses of pop, served dinner to family or ran errands for my tired brother. I believe the little things speak loudly.

Back to school on Tuesday and i truly am not sure if i will be back home before i am finished, i guess we'll see. I'll use this time given by God to shine his light. I do believe things are happening. Even if it's just them warming up to me talking about God. Little things are happening.

These are my thoughts,
Kris

break...

2008-12-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

I really want to go somewhere. Somewhere exotic, fun or even third world. Just saying. Break is going well. Yesterday i had to drive to Coldwater to get a new motor for our furnace because for the two days prior the trailer had been at 55 and one of the days it was 5 degrees outside. Brrrr. It's a lot better now. However i think due to the three days sitting in a freezing trailer I'm getting sick. At least I'm on break and don't have anything to do, right?

On other news my family got donated two huge boxes of food from a local church. My brother and i literally had to talk everything out of the cupboards and reoragnize because there was so much food, thank God for that church. Money is tight and it's hard to feed ten people! We were organizing and he says "i give you a lot of s**t for your beliefs but if it weren't for people like you i would be starving and my kids wouldn't have many presents"
Just in case you are wondering that is the highest form of praise! I was so happy! I feel as if i am a lonely missionary on an island of those who don't know and don't care. It's hard but i know God will bless me for it. I have read my bible more than ever and i pray often. I even have an alarm on my phone that goes off everyday at 3pm to pray for Nate, Kait and Rachel. My brother saw it going off one day and yelled into the kitchen "YOU NEED TO PRAY" Then i got to explain how i dont only pray at that time but it's a reminder to keep praying for them. Then i got to talk about them being in Africa. It's the small stuff for this missionary.

Kris

2008-12-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

So apparently this internet provider (at the library) won't let me get on facebook or even look at my blog. I can read other blogs and blog but can't look at my old posts. It's blocked facebook due to it's chatting tendencies. Oh well i'll deal. Well it's day three of break and so far i've

-cut up a deer
-pulled something in my back
-decided it will be a very loooooooong time before i have kids ;)

One of the amish guys in the area shot a deer and said that if my brother wanted to cut it up he could keep the meat. So as a family we cut up a deer. Interesting experience to sit around with your siblings and siblings-to-be's cutting up a deer and chatting it up. It was pretty great though. Not gonna lie: I didn't think i'd be able to stomach it but it was pretty cool. Plus we have deer meat to eat for a long time.

Now this Christmas is very exciting to me. Not because i sleep on a couch which pulls my back in ways it should never be pulled but because it's all about the kids. All the adults in my family decided a month ago that the kids were the ones that the gifts part of Christmas was for and they were to recieve the gifts and not us. We instead will all pitch in for our family Christmas dinner. I wanted to be with my family that's all i want. Also this year the Locker side is getting together the day after so for the first time in a long time i get to wake up on Christmas and go NO WHERE! That's so awesome! I'm excited about that! My gift is already recieved. I get to wake up and go no where and be with my family!

Speaking of family i love them but right now i'm in a two bedroom trailer with a total of ten people and five of which are kids ranging from 3 to 11. I think i'm okay with not having children for awhile. Seriously, i'm alright waiting a long long time :0)!

Oh and P.S. i don't know if i blogged about this but Carp came to SAU to visit me and it was amazing. I went over to Laura's and she seemed way to excited and that she was hiding something at first i thought Nate had lied about his flight but knew that was too good to be true and there Mike Carpenter was! I about flipped then we watched Wall-e and i found another fan of a great movie :)! No offense to Mike but i was really wishing it were Nate. It was great though we watched one of my fave movies, ate homemade cookies, drank Dr. Pepper and celebrated that i had completed my most challenging semester yet! Woot!

CHRISTmas

2008-12-06T22:19:00.001-08:00

During these weeks of final projects and exams it's easy to forget the true meaning of the Christmas season. With each to-do list and shopping trip it becomes so easy to focus on yourself. In reflecting about what Christ means to me: I am overwhelmed by how much he means to me. To know that someone who is so powerful and mighty cares about the details of my life keeps me in awe of him. I am so undeserving and grateful for the love of this huge God. I pray this season you take the time to reflect upon what God means to you. Remember to be grateful for all that he is to you.

I wrote this in the Christmas cards i gave the transfer students. I decided that instead of the standard "have a great break" greeting i would put something a little deeper. I haven't heard any responses, yet.

P.S. David Crowder is coming to SAU on my 25th birthday. Now leave it to Crowder to throw me a birthday bash...JUST KIDDING! But seriously, you should come.

giving up...

2008-12-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

Don't worry friends, i know the title can sound negative but this is a good thing. Earlier this week i was praying and talking to God and i gave up the rest of my year to him to do what he wants. I'm done worrying about everything from relationships, to ministries, to classes. I'm not saying that i'm gonna climb into bed and show up to Graduation in May but that i'm not going to constantly worry about if this friends is feel neglected, if this boy likes me or what will happen if the professor didn't like my paper. I am going to put myself into everything i do as i usually do but my life is in HIS hands and i don't need to mess with it. I am going to wait and see what God does with it. He is much better at handling my life's craziness so i'll let him do it again! :0)

I was watching a t.v. show the other day and it filled me with so much emotion. I'm not one to watch t.v. but i had some downtime (miracle!!!) and found a show about millionaires who for a week live like they are poor. They have to make rent, buy food and they leave with only $150. They meet people just barely making ends meet and decide how to give a lot of money and how much to give to whom. They met a little girl who had cancer and her family had no insurance. I have never gotten so emotional watching a show but i was just crying. I composed myself and then at the end of the show the father and son millionaire pair handed the dad of the little girl a check for "50,000" and he started crying and by this time i was bawling my eyes out. It was sad and happy at the same time. Then at the end of the show they went back to their millionaire ways and raving about how much it changed them. I got angry and thought to myself, "How can you go back to your 10 Mil mansion when you know the needs out there? How can you back to that?" I know i couldn't. But i do. I'm a privileged college student. I'm still processing it.

one last thing: i was talking to a guy friend the other day and like most convos with this guy we started talking about relationships and he said that he surveyed a lot of college-age guys and the top two things they look for in a girl was: humor and modest. I found this interesting.

Kris

my thoughts

2008-12-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

today has been extremely busy yet contemplative. I do a lot of walking whether back and forth from my apartment, to class, to various meetings, or around campus trying to find an open computer: which is increasingly difficult these days with finals so close. Usually on these walks i would listen to my Ipod and jam but my charger is broken so instead i think and think some more. Today here are my four main thoughts.
1. Singleness is no disease
2. Today is a gift
3. Japan was life altering
4. i like boys.
Now simply glancing at my list it seems like one and four contradict one another but let me explain each of then and the novel begins now:

1. Singleness is a gift.
I started to write this blog but got sick of sounding like the tired old cliche of how singleness is truly a gift. Let's just say that i haven't written off the possibilities of being a wife and mother but i am truly joyful in my singleness. Being a single woman of God has been extremely difficult but rewarding. There is someone who if asked i would trade in my single life for a relationship but i am more than willing to wait.

2. Today is a gift.
I have never truly struggled with holding onto the past. If you know my past you would understand why this is. However lately i have much struggled with the want for the future. This is difficult to step away from especially when you are in college where we are often talking about our careers, graduating, marriage, etc. My prayer partner recently bought me the Nooma video titled Today because he knows of my struggle with staying in the moment. The gesture alone of someone buying me an out of the blue gift was huge. I am not a die hard Rob Bell fan but i do like his teachings. I just finished watching it and it was great but i have to think about it and look up some of the scriptures and formulate my own opinions about it!

3. Japan was life altering.
Tonight before my class i was invited to a meeting for students interesting in Japan semester abroad. As a veteran(as they call us) i got to be asked questions and talk about our trip. As stated earlier i don't like to dwell on the past but as i walked in watching the picture slideshow i came to the realization that i have come a long way since that trip. Pre-Japan i had never stepped outside the country and was very close minded about a lot of things. I am nowhere near the same person. I so appreciate all i learned on that trip and was so excited to share that with others and as i shared with others it was as if it were a family reunion even though none of the other veterans went on the same trip.

4. i like boys.
Attention getting? I'd hope so! This one is a praise to guys. I realize that as a single girl praising guys can be dangerous grounds but let me give you some girl perspective! Today i was walking through the student center (i usually walk around but seeing how it's pretty cold i decided to walk through) and this guy i met once about a month ago slid through the door very slickly and i said hey as i was about 10 feet from the door he stopped right in front of me, looked up at me and said "I am so sorry" and turned around and ran to the door opening it for me and waited patiently until i got to the door. I was shocked and so appreciative. Let me just say that a good guy, a guy who is good out of genuineness is a rare find. I know that the guys who read this blog fit in this category. Know that your acts of genuine kindness does not go unnoticed by this girl, i notice and i appreciate it oh so much! Before coming to SAU i never once had a guy open a door (car, house, or store) for me before and i never knew guys did that! :) truly! So these days being a gentlemen or genuinely nice is something i have grown accustomed to but i do in my heart appreciate it so much. Know that i appreciate the small things you great guys do and i am better for knowing you.

my thoughts for you!
Kris

a creative title of some sort...

2008-12-01T08:42:00.001-08:00

Break was good for one reason: it was a break. I was home for the first time all semester and although i did do homework it was such the break. I slept in until 10 each morning, which in my family is a miracle! :0)! I got to see my nephews and neice and even saw an aunt i hadn't seen since in six years! There was a hint of sadness because this was the first holiday without my grandpa and the first holiday is always a little sad.

So as far as conversation it was the same as always. The three questions i hate but get asked every holiday or break:
-When are you graduating?
-What are you going to do after that?
-When will you ever start dating? (afterall i am the ONLY sibling to be single)
that is an upcoming blog because i have to run to a prayer meeting.

Let's just say i'm content where i am and not in a "fake smile" contentness but seriously am joyful with where i am! :)
Kris.

35th blog, really?

2008-11-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

So this is my 35th blog? Apparently i have a lot to say, ha! I already have written it once but somehow lost it and it never saved the draft, lame or epic sadness! Both actually. I'll try to say the same thing...i'll try.

I am excited to get out of the U.S. and serve once again. I have come to realize that my heart is abroad (which is weird to say outloud which is appropriate since i am nowhere near normal). Here is what my heart has been saying lately:
-i want to be in Africa with those who don't have clean water
-i want to be in Asia where they have more than the U.S. but no hope or truth
-i want to look into the widows and hold the orphans
-i want to touch those who are deemed unlovable
-i want to love those who have no one in their life to simply love them

I want to "go" and i am excited for my missions trip to get to do what heart is crying out to do!
Kris

wonderful weekend...

2008-11-23T09:29:00.000-08:00

This weekend was so amazing. Beyond amazing actually.

Friday:
twelve transfer students and three leaders (me included in that) climbed in a van and a car and went to Ann Arbor. We went to Cottage Inn pizza and then went to Borders. We had over an hour so a group of us walked around Ann Arbor taking pictures, stopping by this art gallery place and then ended up talking and hanging out in Starbucks. Go figure, me ending up in a coffee shop :) I purposefully left my money at home cause i told myself i was saving my money for G.R. on Saturday.
It was a great time in Ann Arbor with the cell groups! Such a blast! They make me laugh so hard and i've needed laughter after the the last few weeks!

Saturday:
Bekah and I woke up at 7 am (hello coffee) and went to G.R.! We got there at around 10am and looked at David's Bridal. It was a great time. Then we met up with STO and ate chinese, YUM, and then went back to his apartment. He had to drop off a few highly entertaining 9th graders so Bekah and I sat there talking to Mike. Bekah's brother got off work and she got directions to his campus! Then Nate and I went to see Monika, went to to a coffee shop mmhmmm :) Then we headed back to his apartment to watch some videos! All in all it was a wonderful day! Good times in G.R. i have a few pics.

After lunch:
roommate and I went into town and i was going to buy Wall-e for myself. It's been a long time since i've loved a movie as much as this one. Maybe since Aladdin. For real! Well due to the fact that i am far more poor than i had realized i could not afford said movie and have to wait. Sad day. I did however buy some cold medicine...what an exciting life i lead! :0)

Kris

junior high teaching

2008-11-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

Today i taught my first lesson in a junior high Special Edu. class. I have so much respect for those of my friend who teach junior high or teach youth group/ Sunday school! I have no clue how they do it because i was terribly intimidated. My comfort zone is 1st - 3rd grade: coloring, imagination, and story-telling. I love this age group. However to contradict myself at camp my favorite week at camp is senior high and i relate best to the junior high age campers. Crazy, huh? Yeah that is the story of my life seriously! I taught a lesson today and it may have been that i have been sick for the last two weeks with whatever this is but it was a rough lesson. I mean the student learned the geometrical shapes i wanted them to but there were so many things that i forgot. I know that the point of this class is to get me comfortable in a junior high room as well as getting an idea of how much goes into teaching. Luckily they aren't expecting me to be an all-star teacher by the end of the semester! I am far from there.

I am very excited for the weekend. Tomorrow i will be heading to Ann Arbor with the transfers with Damon Seacott. Damon is the assistant to the university president and he is treating us to pizza and then we are going to Borders (in Ann Arbor is the first one). Then on Saturday Bekah and I will be heading to Grand Rapids. We are spending some time checking out David's Bridal looking at different bridesmaid dresses and such. Then we'll be meeting up with Nates: STO and her brother Nate. I will also be seeing Amy and possibly Monika and Steph. :) Did i mention i am excited?

Kris.

me in a nutshell....

2008-11-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Highlights of me lately:

-I am giving up facebook. It's not necessarily a fast but just need to prioritize. I go through this a lot where i need to put God first and i don't. I suck at that.

-I have a deep thirst and hunger for Christ. I cannot seem to get enough and find myself crying a lot. Not in a bad way but in a God is breaking my heart for others.

-My weekend with was dad was more than expected. It redefined my relationship with my father and it's all good! We are past all the drama and are a father daughter unit and he validated me in a way that meant the world to me. Since i was little all i ever wanted to know that my dad valued me and this weekend he told me he was very proud of me and said that he tells all the guys at work about his daughter whose graduating in May. :0) My heart was doing flips!!!!!

-God is teaching me to give up. That sounds very pessimistic. However there is something i have been thinking and praying about a lot these days and God told me to hand it over fully to him. I did that and i am leaving it with him. Not to say that i don't care in fact i care a lot however i'm done holding onto it and am going to give him all control and i am now moving on and living the way HE wants me to and if this other things happens HALLELUJAH and if not GOD is in control.

-I'm reading Jesus Freaks: the stories of those who stood for Jesus. I read it and want to go do something. I want to live like these people and have come to realize that this weekend i was on the mission field. I had many question me about my faith and i had one of my family friends tell me that she always noticed something different about you. A joy that she couldn't explain and that she always looks forward to seeing my smiling face!

lots of thoughts as usual.
off to a God date!
Kris

American soap box...

2008-11-14T06:18:00.000-08:00

Let's all repeat after me, "America is NOT the only country on earth and it certainly NOT the greatest one either"
Step on any toes yet? Ohh i'm about to! I was stealing a survey from a freshmen i know on campus. He has surveys all the time. Truth be told most of the time i don't read his answers cause he is immature however for the newest one i decided to read his answers before inserting my own. I was shocked and angry at the following answer:

24. The world could do without: Mexico..i mean come do they really contribute to anything???

for real, are you serious? I get so extremely sick of people complaining about Mexico. I have been there to the slums and looked into the face of people who are hurting and I in fact am going back in March to do it again. My first reaction is "What an American answer" let me reprase that: what a stereotypical American answer. In my travels there is one universal truth America does not paint a pretty picture in other countries.

A few examples:
1. When i was in Japan i met a lot of great people. One of them told me that i didn't act like an American when i asked her what she meant she got very nervous and shy and said to forget she said anything. The next weekend my roommates and i went to Tokyo Disney Land and saw exactly what she meant. We ran into a group of six or so American college guys and never ever before have i been so embarrassed of my heritage. They were running around yelling things like "Hey you want to learn English?" and "We have a hotel right down the street you want to come check it out." This is the view of Americans that my Japanese family had. That makes me sad.

2. Last year i went to Mexico. Before i left i actually had someone on campus say to me, "While you're down there ask them to give us our jobs back" for real now? We went there and visited what is called "Invasion City" it looks like this:

This is how many people live. They find any scraps and they build a home. They have families of five or six live here. If living here weren't enough they live in constant fear because any day the government could show up and cart them off to jail for setting up housing when it's not permitted. Jobs are set up in Mexico that they work for five months and take a few months off and then come back. However in the last three years they do not get their jobs back due to the economy lately. The reason they can only work five months is that if they work more than that they have a tax they cannot afford so they work there for five months take a few months off and come back if there is anything to come back to. So cities like these are becoming more and more common as they are moving around to find work to support their families. This is a sad reality, especially when you find yourself thinking that you have nothing. These people have one water source for about ten of these scrap houses and they all share it willingly and lovingly.

So i'm annoyed right now with the small minded American thinking. I know there are Americans out there who are not like this and i thank God for you. Let's love the neighbors in our country and in other countries.

Stepping off soap box now.

songs and chapel

2008-11-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

first things first. I love music. I cannot sing to save my life but there is just something about music that speaks to me no matter where i am in life. I feel like i am a nomad and i can always have my music. Well lately there have been two songs that i just are my "pump up" songs. They are polar opposites but when i hear them i just feel alive and ready to take on the day or whatever event is about to happen.

The first is Linkin Park's "Bleed It Out"

The second is "How Deep The Father's Love"

as stated above these are very different! But both just pump me up!

Alright so to chapel. Our speak was an alumni and he graduated when i was a freshmen, which is weird to think about. He talked about how his heart and passion was for the city. At the end the chaplain asked anyone who feels led to the city to stand and then who isn't sure if the city is for them. I didn't apply to either but stood for the second one. I don't feel called to the city or the country. I feel called any and everywhere. I feel like God wants me to be in the dumps, streets, cities, countries and slums of the world to show with actions the deep love of Christ. I don't know where that means or how that is going to work but God does.

These are my thoughts.

upside down life...

2008-11-10T19:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend was so big for me spiritually. I have been praying about a few things that i haven't told anyone. I mean not even STO, Wookie or my roommate. I just don't know how i feel about these two things and so i've kept it to myself. Many of you may have seen this as i was very distant and slipped away a few times. These times you would find me by the lake praying and listening to the voice of God. Of the two i feel like i can only talk about one of them. God is calling me to live at camp. I hesitate to say that because it has been a dream of mine for the last five years that i've worked at camp. This semester has been the hardest one i've had so far. The entire way up to camp between conversations i was praying about the many things being thrown at me. I have been stretched, stressed and exhausted. I stepped out of the van and instantly felt like a burden was lifted and felt at peace. I cannot explain it but there is nowhere else i feel like that. Camp has this feeling like this is where i am supposed to be. I hope one day to have a country or place that feels as home as camp does. I talked to Duane about the possibility of interning there while student teaching next fall. It looks promising and i got an offer to live at Jennifer's place if that doesn't work out. Let me explain how this turns everything upside down. Since i switched to special education i always wanted to live on campus and student teach in the spring arbor area. I just knew that i loved spring arbor and that i would be in the area, i know the principals and a lot of teachers and this is my comfort zone. Once again God chuckled at my plan and took out his editing pen and went to work! I should know better by now!

I have a meeting on Thursday to discuss my student teaching semester. I have no idea how this will look but i am excited to see how it'll all work out.

camp reunion n stuff!

2008-11-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

Okay no surprise here, CAMP WAS AMAZING. I had such a great time. It would have been nice to get more sleep but there is just too many amazing people to hang out with. I had so many friends there i was so very blessed to be there. I wish i could have had a week to talk and catch up on life with all of them but seeing them briefly was so great. I appreciate them so much. A few highlights included passing out flyers with the gingers :), Casey's surprise birthday party and sitting in the lounge just talking. I found myself a few time just looking around and thinking, "What a great place and what amazing people!" I really love being there, there truly is nowhere else I'd rather be. There are times during the summer i want to go somewhere but it's usually for a few hours and not so much for an extended period of time. I go back home and it takes less than 24 hrs to want to go back! Seriously! I laughed a lot, thought a lot and smiled a lot! A LOT! :) I love my friends and this weekend was so great.

I also got to spend some quality time with my savior and Lord, Jesus! The first night after hanging out in the lounge for awhile i decided to walk around camp! I ended up at my favorite God time place is where i used to have SMT camp fires. There is this picnic table by the lake and i just love it. I sat in silence for awhile and then poured out my heart to God. He told me something that i really needed to hear, an answer if you will, to a prayer I've been praying since June or July. It's not the answer i want but it's not about me! This time was amazing. I also woke up early both Saturday and today and sat in the lounge in my "usual spot" (or the spot i sat every staff meeting this summer) and read James. I love this book of the bible and each chapter is so packed full of things that i need. I am so excited for where God is leading me and the woman he is calling me to be.

Honesty: i like to think I'm an honest person. I am really happy where i am. Seriously, i am happy and content with my life. This hasn't happened, ever! There are things I'm looking forward to when God is ready for those things to happen but i am exceedingly happy right now. I truly am. I have had a rough semester and God is teaching me a lot. Usually when you are being taught and stretched you are not too happy but it's been so good for me. I know that each small thing i go through is equipping me to be the woman God is calling me to be.

Kris

spotlight= yuck

2008-11-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

So today in chapel a group of peer advisors sang for special music. Ron Kopiko called on of the PAs and asked them to get a group together. I was one of the few that went to most practices but i didn't make it all of them. I got to chapel early and KT says "Kris you and Claire have the first mic" okay so for whatever reason i got cast to be one of the six to have a mic. whatever. Then it came start for chapel to start, can you say intimidating. We were sitting in the choir loft behind the chapel band and it was intimidating to look out and see a packed out chapel. I'm not a front stage type of girl. I looked up a lot and when the beaming lots were blinding i decided to close my eyes. When the chapel band was done it was our turn to go up there. We discovered that we needed to be holding the mic and my partner wasn't too thrilled to have the mic so instead of sharing a mic i ended up having a mic and was one of three with one. I reminded myself that i was doing it for the audience of one and not the hundreds of students in the audience. we sang "At the foot of the cross" truly a beautiful song.

I am NOT a spotlight girl. I am a back-stage making sure those who are spotlight guys and girls are good to go. I don't do speaking in front of crowds and i don't like to have attention put upon me. This is why every February my face is beat red when a crowd, no matter the size, sings happy birthday to me. However only when done in a public place because i can always feel a lot of people looking over at me. I don't do spotlight but somehow today i managed. It may have helped that i had one of my lovely transfer down front smiling at me :)

i found out that next weekend my dad is playing a reunion gig and will be playing for his last time in his band. My dad was in a jazz/blues band most of my life, some of my earliest memories was getting my dad's friends and family out on the dance floor, apparently when i was little i was comfortable with that spotlight :). Well two years ago the band broke up and i was very sad because i haven't seen them preform since my freshmen year in h.s. when i lived with him for a year! I am excited to see them once again. Apparently they are doing it for an old friend who is really sick or something. One last show together! I am so excited to go! It will be nice to see my dad when it's not Thanksgiving or Christmas!

I am going to camp today. WOOHOO! I am very excited and cannot hold in the excitement to see everyone.

beautiful, just beautiful

2008-11-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

Have i mentioned how dang excited i am to see my camp family? I miss everyone so very much and i cannot wait to see them.

So i got the following from my boss. I think it is simply beautiful and profound.

Awesome!! We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we cannot.

Whatever your cross,

whatever your pain,

there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;

But God's always ready, to answer your call....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,

a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,

But suddenly vanish, by dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,

to give you His grace, and send you His love.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!

is it over yet?

2008-11-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

I got laughed at today when i celebrated never having to hear about political ads. I didn't mean ever again but i meant at least for another three years. I am excited that i dont have to hear it for a while. My optimistic view point got trampled. ouch.

I am tired of hearing about it. We now have a new president, so let the current president finish his term and let's stop talking about it. Jesus is still my one and only, that will never change. Today the message i felt was very good. It was about the Luke 7 prostitute. Other than picking out the most spiritual crowd at chapel, not ever going there, he was pretty good. I really liked his speaking style, he was very excited about Jesus. i feel as though we need more preachers who are truly excited about Jesus.

that is all.

2008-11-03T20:31:00.001-08:00

I am unbelievable excited for the staff reunion on Friday. So excited! Sooo excited! I miss everyone so much. I LOVE CAMP!

Any advice on how to stop analyzing everything? It is a strength and weakness all in one.

anonymous gifts and trunks

2008-11-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

For Halloween the transfer PAs signed up for a trunk for "Trunk or Treat" we had about five people say they were going to show up. Which is normal for an event. We had three show up and help us pass out candy and then all of the sudden seven of them showed up dressed up like "The Office" it was amazing. I don't know much about the office but have seen a few episodes. One of my guys who was playing Dwight was cracking me up. It was his birthday and he came up to me right in my face and i asked him he had gotten my e-mail and he said something about how he didn't do emailing anymore his Internet was shut off. Then he looked over to "Jim" and said "Where's my stapler, have you seen my stapler?" They all were in character the whole time and were so funny. It was so great. Pictures to come.

After that i went back to my apartment and finally ate dinner at about 8:30. Some good 'ol rice and chicken. Then Wookie called and harassed me for a little bit and said that he and Casey were going to McDonald, i just got paid and the thought of food was extremely exciting, dinner wasn't all that exciting. So i went and Mel was there getting ready to go to GR, so jealous, and so i got food and sat with the boys. Soon after Bethany came (woot woot) and we all sat and talked and laughed. Then Wookie was featuring his growls and decided that since Mike Johnson never ever picks up his phone he'd call him and give him a hilarious voicemail but surprise Mike answered. Apparently he could tell i was there because i was laughing in the background. I love being around my camp family, they crack me up so very much! I needed to laugh after the last few weeks!

So then Bethany and I went to her room. I decided to check my mail real quick and i am so happy i did. I found three envelopes. The first was a return envelope of a letter i sent to Jennifer but no worries I'll see her in six days WOOOOOOOOT for camp! The second was from the financial aid office notifying me that my long awaiting loan had in fact come in. I felt a weight being lifted from me. Then i saw the third letter. It was from someone on campus. Just my names and box number on the envelope. I was thinking, "Oh how nice someone send me an encouragement card" which is so awesome. I open up the envelope and find a $20 inside. No note. Just the money. My eyes had to be checked and i looked at Bethany and i said "someone sent me money. someone i'd like to hug and thank. wow." That is just amazing...yes? Looks like the storm is over. Things are starting to look up and other than my sickness i am back to myself.

Today's objective is resting it up. And sometime this weekend getting some groceries!
Kris

egg shot and blur

2008-10-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

well friends is that subject confusing enough for you? I will be posting about two things. The flu shot (I'll explain the egg reference.) and my blur of a week.

First off i got the flu shot yesterday. Which explains why I'm nauseous, sneezing and feeling like ick! Okay so I've gotten the flu shot for three years now. I get the shot and then i get sick for 3-4 days then I'm good and don't get the flu. The first year was the worst. Well i was waiting for the nurse and i read the pamphlet and found out why i get so sick.

"The flu shot is an inactivated vaccine (containing killed virus) that is given with a needle, usually in the arm. It contains three influenza viruses. The three vaccine strains – one A (H3N2) virus, one A (H1N1) virus, and one B virus – are representative of the influenza vaccine strains recommended for that year. Viruses for the flu shot are grown in eggs." http://www.cdc.gov/FLU/about/qa/flushot.htm

If you know me at all you know i am unable to stomach eggs. I cannot eat them unless they are fully baked in something such as cookies, cakes, brownies. But no omelets, scrambled, deviled eggs *side story about deviled eggs: when i was little i used to love to eat them although i cannot stomach eggs and my mom would get so mad at me for eating then cause i'd get so sick* and no fresh toast (unless it is light in egg and cooked very well). So i was talking to her and she told me that it is grown in eggs and that i would be fine as long as i wasn't going to break out into hives or get blisters everywhere. That is fine with me. So now i know why the flu shot doesn't settle well for the first few days, once again my stomach's dislike of eggs strikes against me again! I don't mind the taste at all it's just that it get to my stomach and it is NOT a happy thing.

Secondly, my blur is over. I have been working non-stop since Monday on my two hugest assignments for the semester. Ironically enough both professors commented on how they found it wise to do the huge assignments in the middle instead of the end when we also have finals. I couldn't agree more. Truly. I am now done with two of the biggest presentation/ work of my tough methods courses :0) Yea! Yesterday was seriously non-stop from 8am until 8:30pm. The only time i took a break was for lunch, about a half hour, and dinner i gulped down in ten minutes before heading out to class. It was a crazy day but it is DONE.

Oh and in one week from today i get to see my beloved camp family. I miss them oh so much! Well I'm gonna go rest. I cannot believe the only answer to not getting the flu comes from the one and only thing i cannot stomach, HA!
Kris

more thoughts of mine...

2008-10-30T04:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had worship chapel. This was way needed in my life. Spiritually i am starving, i feel like i just cannot get enough. I read my bible and pray and just want more. I guess it's not a bad thing, at least I'm not exhausted in this aspect like i am in every other aspect of my life! Well anyway during the second song i prayed that God would take away all of my worries, this is how it came out and i liked it.

"God, take all my worries, homework, relationship and put them on the back burner. No take them off the back burner and put them on the counter. No even better put them in a Tupperware container and put them in the fridge to stay there until i can open it back up and deal with it bowl by bowl."

After i said it i kinda smirked and said to myself, "Ha, you are such a feminist!" Lemme explain i was talking to Mike C the other day about our heart's desires and dreams. I told him I've always wanted to take charge of a children's ministry at a church. Then I started talking about me having a family one day which reminded me of last spring
*flashback music* so there i was...it was last spring semester and i was being a good psychology minor and handing out surveys. The survey was called "The pressure to date while in college" I handed it to one girl and she looked at me and said,
"It'll be very interesting to see this from the POV of a feminist"
I was speechless and i said "What makes you think I'm feminist"
and she answered, "You're driven, single and working toward a career"
I smiled wide and said "I'm all of those things but i would trade them all in to be a stay at home mom if that's what i decided with my future husband. I am not even close to feminist"

I found it pretty hilarious. Since then i have found that there are some who look at my singleness as a sign of feminism. Really? Me? The girls who loves to cook, clean and serve others? Mama Kris? HA, i find it funny! So when i related my problems to kitchen things it made me think of this. I'm not saying that my dream is to spend every waking moment in the kitchen but if i were to be in a marriage where we wanted me to be home with our children, I'd do it. However I'm not in college to find a husband but to have a career in case i don't end up married or if i have to work while married, not a feminist just wise.

Anywhoo, that was great times! I spent the majority of my day from 1:45 - 9:00 pm working on projects for today. They are almost done just need a few more hours to invest. After this week all the big projects of the semester will be completed. Hooray!

conviction and feelings

2008-10-28T20:55:00.000-07:00

Lately God: has convicted me of my lack of showing my true feelings. I am extremely sarcastic, which if you meet my family is quite understandable! Lately though God has been telling me that i need to make sure those i care about know that i do care about them. I would hate for them to ever wonder if i care about them. Without weirding anyone out or making a bunch of my guy friends think i am madly in love with them, it's happened before, i have been taking opportunities to tell my friends how much they mean to me. If i haven't gotten to you, it's coming. It's not something that is natural to me. It may come in small fragments or all at once. I'm a work in progress, after all!

This week: is crazy busy up until Thursday night :0)! Academically that is! I have an event on Friday night for Halloween! Woot for passing out candy and dressing up like a Gilmore Girl! :)

In closing: God has my life in his perfect hands. I used the plural because he has a lot to deal with, but i know he can handle it. I have a lot going on but HE is so good, he is GOD after all and i am allowing him the driver seat on this roller coaster of life. Seriously, so far "what a ride"! I like the analogy of life being a roller coaster because of the way i feel toward roller coasters: i love them so much but hate the first one. Anyone who was there can attest that before the first one i freak out and am sure I'm crazy and will die, much like any faith decision, but once i do it i know I'm safe and in good hands and could conquer every coaster (or the world for JESUS).

Dear Collette: your "high five"/comment totally filled my encouragement bucket! Thanks for that. I really needed some encouragement. You rock girl!

enough feeling and thoughts for today.
this busy girl needs sleep to make it through the next few days.
Kris

2008-10-27T08:34:00.001-07:00

i was talking to a good friend last night and he said this "when you are a smiley person it feels so wrong to not be smiling all the time. Let yourself be yourself. Don't be afraid to let that smile down once and a while. I'd rather you be real then have a fake smile". I needed that, thanks Rol.

A few more meetings down. I have no meal plan on campus now, which lifts the burden for sure! I'm not in the clear yet but am getting a lot closer.

Kris

lots of thoughts going on up there...

2008-10-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of thoughts going around in my mind. Since this is my blog and you have the right to read it or get bored and move on to something a little more stimulating or entertaining i will ramble and share these thoughts going on inside!

Thoughts: It's no lie that i needed a break. I needed a break from crying and worrying. From a pile of homework. Basically i needed a me break. Not a break "all about me" that was fall break. Fall break mindset was: no homework cause i need rest, i need a break, i need to do things, me, me, and ME! This break was all about JESUS and serving others! It was exactly what we needed. (We being Jesus and I- some we time) I have found in the lowest of lows i serve someone and it's a feeling i cannot get enough of. I cooked for others, did dishes for others, and helped build a log cabin for others to use in the future. It was amazing :0). I had some sweet God times before going to bed and it kept coming back to "Kris you need to give it all to me. Not just the little stuff, i want it ALL. All your heart and all your dreams. ALL of it" Yes, when speaking to me Jesus often has to repeat something, especially simple things, over and over. Beginning of this semester i once again submitted Jesus my plan and he just smiled and said "Oh Kris. You are just so cute!" He took out his red pen and switched something around and said "Here's the deal my child. You haven't quite learned patience and the important of fully depending upon me so we're gonna work on that before we even talk about this plan." This is what I've done. I've learned a great deal of patience. I am content where i am. A year ago i wrote in a journal i found "God i wish i could know your plan so i could be patient" Even a year ago i had so much to learn, patience is not knowing and that's the whole point silly Kris Locker from last year! :0)! God is teaching me, especially through this financial and confusing boy stuff that HE is in control and he knows what he's doing. I have no idea what's going to happen next semester but I'll do what i can this semester to stay. This is not a fight I'm done fighting. It is so not over just overtime. "you don't get overtime you just GET OVER IT" :0)

My weekend: if ever i questioned God's timing it was re clarified this weekend. There wasn't a better time to chill in the wilderness building and being with others who appreciate me for who i am :0) I was able to hang out and just be me. I worked from 8am-5pm. With a lunch break of course :0)! I didn't have to worry about homework, finances, food but just looked for new ways to encourage or serve someone. It was amazing. I was star gazing and although it wasn't the same without Storvik being there (yea, Nate it just wasn't the same) i just laid there thinking about how amazing God is and how he loves me so much. I started praying that everything that was weighing on my heart and mind would take a rest for those few days and that I'd just serve and let God hold me in his arms. That moment starring at the stars totally changed the weekend. I was no long a "woe is me" Kris but a Kris that was ready to serve. I love to serve; it's such a great feeling. I got there on Thursday night and it was "Kris and da boys" which is nothing new for me pretty much how it always was. The level of amazingness was added when two ladies joined us on Friday night :0). Added to the fun, for sure! God just constantly in those two and a half days showed me how amazing he is and how much of my heart and life he deserves. Last night before i went to bed at 9:30pm (i know i'm such an elder already :)!!) i was just like, "God i'm done. I give this to you. Whatever happens i'm following you. I'm done trying to control my life again. I know i should know by now but i am a stupid human" I literally felt a burden lift...he is so great.

a few quotes i heard between Wednesday and today:
-"The church is a whore, but she's still my mother" St. Augustine Okay this one may need a bit of an explanation, folks! The church is supposed to be the bride of Jesus but has been gotten away from her love and gone after other things in the world. She has been very promiscuous since Jesus. At the same token the church is my mother because i am from the church and that's where many of my morals and belief were established. She is both a whore and my mother. Beautiful quote. I hope i explained it well, it makes sense in my head which doesn't say much :0)

- "There is no love at first sight because it's not love with insight" -Unknown. I read this is a book i was reading this weekend on some downtime. It talked about how it's impossible to fall in love with someone you just met because it takes so much insight into the person. The love "with insight" has God at the center of the relationship: as it should be.

Woah. long post :0)
Kris